If we could hear a recording of ourselves talking to our children and our family members would it change us? Would we cringe at every harsh word or tone? Would we laugh at the conversations we’d had the day before?
The funny this is, that if we want to know how we talk to our children and what they hear…we just need to listen to them talk to their siblings. What do they say? How do they sound?
I struggle with being overly critical. I grew up with a lot of critique and very high expectations and I knew when I didn’t meet them. I grew up desperately wanting to please those around me and it took me the first few years of our marriage to get out of that habit. I also grew up setting high expectations for myself and for those around me, including my children. I have, at times, struggled with being critical of them in the same way I swore I would never be.
I had a convicting moment this last week. I heard one of my children critiquing his brother about how he had done something. Older brother to younger. Older brother used the same words and the same tone that I have used…and I cringed. I was humbled and convicted. In that moment I prayed for forgiveness for not showing patience and kind words to my children. I prayed for God to stop those words before they come out of my mouth and to change my thoughts before they become words. I prayed it wasn’t too late to soften the harsh edge that has already begun to develop in my son.
Proverbs 15:1
A gentle answer turns away wrath,
But a harsh word stirs up anger.
It is so easy for the harsh words to just come flying out if we’re not guarding ourselves against frustration, anxiety and busyness. I have learned that when I am trying to “multi-task” too much, when I am trying to do 3 things at once that my patience and tolerance decrease significantly. I have had to be more disciplined with my time and what I allow to pull me away from where I am with my children. When my “work” duties interrupt my “mom” duties or visa versa, I get frustrated and short. I have slowly learned to put up boundaries and to be willing to put some things on the back burner for later. It means I have to be a better manager of my time, but it keeps me from getting so overwhelmed I say things I regret.
I encourage you this week to think about how you’re talking to your children, your family and your spouse. If we can engage our “filter” when we’re at work or church and avoid saying hurtful things there…we should be able to engage it at home too. Ask yourself would I talk to a co-worker or friend the way I’m about to talk to my child or spouse? Would I use this tone with them? Ask God how He would have you communicate with your family and children? What heart issues are there that keep you from using your words to build up your family?
If you really want some insight…ask your spouse how you communicate with your children or them. And remember words can cause deep, long lasting wounds. You’re teaching your children how to be as parents…you’re teaching them how to treat your grandchildren.
Proverbs 14:29-30
He who is slow to anger has great understanding,
But he who is quick-tempered exalts folly.
30 A tranquil heart is life to the body,
But passion is rottenness to the bones.
Author: Erin
New Recipe Monday — Crazy Chicken
I was a little skeptical that my kids would eat this, especially my oldest, but he really likes it! In fact, he was really excited when I made it again this last week (and he’s my pickiest eater).
Here it is with my side notes…
Ingredients
- 4 limes, juiced (I have used lemon juice from a bottle, 4 limes might be a little heavy for some, but we liked it)
- 2 tablespoons olive oil
- 2 tablespoons chili powder (I thought this would be too much at first, but it isn’t.)
- 1 teaspoon dried sage (I don’t have this on hand usually so I just leave it out)
- 1 teaspoon dried oregano (ditto with the sage)
- 1 teaspoon ground cumin
- 4 skinless, boneless chicken breast halves (I really just use any chicken I have on hand. The chicken breasts are nice because the chicken can be sliced and put on top of a salad or in a taco, but this last week I made it with chicken legs and the boys gobbled it up)
Directions
- Whisk the lime juice, olive oil, chili powder, sage, oregano, and cumin together in a small bowl.**I take the easy way out and mix the marinade in a gallon plastic bag, then put my chicken in and shift it around*** Arrange the chicken breasts in a shallow glass container; pour the lime juice marinade over the chicken. Cover the container with plastic wrap; refrigerate 1 1/2 hours (I’ve marinated it longer), turning the chicken every 30 minutes (I don’t know who does this but it sounds good)
- Preheat an outdoor grill for medium heat and lightly oil the grate. Remove the chicken to a platter and allow to come to room temperature (I didn’t do this).
- Grill the chicken breasts until no longer pink in the center and the juices run clear, 8 to 10 minutes per side. An instant-read thermometer inserted into the center should read at least 165 degrees F (74 degrees C).
Five Minute Friday — Expectation
Fridays are for writing for five minutes.
Only five minutes.
Stream-of-consciousness style. Like you did when you were in 9th grade.
Write and see what comes out. There’s no right or wrong.
Got 5 minutes? Come and spend them writing <—click to tweet this!
1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. And then absolutely, no ifs, ands or buts about it, you need to visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments. Seriously. That is, like, the rule. And the fun. And the heart of this community..
OK, are you ready? Please give me your best five minutes on:
Expectation…
Prince charming, happily ever after, no arguments, no trouble…wonderful wedded bliss.
Eleven years ago today (June 9) I married my dear husband. We were young (19), in love and full of expectations. I thought we’d settle down, plant some roots and grow our family. Instead, we’ve moved 10 times in the last 11 years (2 of those to the same house). Our current place of residence is the longest we’ve ever stayed in any house…4 whole years! We’ve grown our family, both here on earth and in Heaven.
Instead of planting roots, I’ve come think of us more as a potted plant…easily movable…at home where we are for the moment.
We always joke that we’ve been married for 11 years, 7 of them have been really wonderful. The first few years were filled with unmet, uncommunicated and unrealistic expectations. As we’ve grown we’ve learned to be flexible a bit. Life has a way of making you change your expectations, your focus, your goals and you as a couple.
When I was first married I expected Kerry to be able to “make it all better”, to make up for my inadequacies and failures, to fill holes left behind. I expected him to carry me away and we would live the end of the fairytale. Boy was I stupid!
We are living a fairy tale though. A true to life fairy tale. Filled with twists and turns. Joys, grief, surprises and lessons that we are learning together. Our fairy tale is what has made us the couple we are. Our expectations have changed.
We were told when we were married, by someone who wasn’t crazy about it, that the person you marry when you’re 19 isn’t the same person you’d marry when you’re 26. Well I hope not! I would hope somewhere between 19 and 26 or 36 that you’d grow, you’d change. For us, though, we’ve had the benefit of growing and changing together. Without a doubt, the person I married at 19 isn’t the same man he is today, but it doesn’t matter because we’ve changed together, neither of us is the same we are so very different from who we were 11 years ago, but we are together, we are happy and we are in love.
My expectations for the rest of my married life are to live out our fairy tale together, until death parts us.
A copy of our marriage vows (and we still mean them):
I, Kerry, take you, Erin, to be my wedded wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to understand, till death do us part, according to the design of God in creation and thereto pledge thee my faith.
I, Erin, take you, Kerry, to be my wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to understand, till death do us part, according to the design of God in creation and thereto pledge thee my faith.
Kansas Trip Pictures
Not totally wordless, but we’ve had a great trip back to Kansas visiting friends and family. We’ve met new friends and made new connections. It’s been a great trip! And while it wasn’t a “no work” vacation (I finished up teaching 2 classes and started teaching 2 while we were here), it’s been relaxing just the same.
Here are some pictures from our visit…
New Recipe Monday — Campfire banana splits
I came across this recipe and thought I’d give it a try as soon as it’s dry enough to have a camp fire.
Ingredients
- 6 large bananas, unpeeled, stems removed
- 2 cups semisweet chocolate chips
- 1 (10.5 ounce) package miniature marshmallows
Directions
- Preheat the grill for high heat.
- Spray 4 sheets of aluminum foil, large enough to wrap bananas, with cooking spray.
- Slice the peel of the banana from stem to bottom, while slicing the banana inside lengthwise. The bananas can be cut into slices instead if you like, (while still in the peel) for easier handling later.
- Carefully open the banana just wide enough to place the chocolate chips and marshmallows inside the peel with the banana. Stuff with as much of the chocolate chips and marshmallows as desired.
- Wrap the bananas with the aluminum foil and place on the grill or directly in the coals of a fire. Leave in long enough to melt the chips and the marshmallows, about 5 minutes. Unwrap bananas, open the peels wide, and eat with a spoon.
What the heck is wrong with me anyway?
So after losing 2 babies in the second trimester in 6 months, my doctor and I decided maybe we should run some blood tests “just in case” there is something up with me that we don’t know about. We got a few answers this past week and there are still more tests that have to be done and referrals and unknowns to deal with. My fantastic doctor, I really mean that and I’m a hard girl to please, called me Tuesday night at 8:30pm to discuss my labs with me because he was going out of town. I can’t say enough about how happy I am with my doc (and this coming from a L&D nurse who had a homebirth…I really am tough to please).
Here is what we know, what we don’t and where we go from here…
I have 2 genetic mutations that affect my ability to clot blood. One is called Factor 2 mutation. We each get 2 copies, one from our mom and one from our dad. I have one normal copy and one abnormal copy, which means I am called heterozygous. In a nutshell it increases my risk of developing blood clots, especially during pregnancy. Here’s a link that goes over it pretty simply…http://circ.ahajournals.org/content/110/3/e15.full
Factor 2 makes fibrin to make clots along with platelets. My factor 2 works kind of in overdrive.
There are some other tests that need to be done to determine how we’re going to treat this for future pregnancies. There are some liver proteins (called Protein S and Protein C) that need to be evaluated at the end of June (when the pregnancy hormones are out of my body). The most likely treatment for this issue will involve blood thinners during pregnancy to decrease the likelihood of clot formation in the placenta and umbilical cord.
The other genetic mutation is called MTHFR. We all have 2 genes that code for this and we get two copies of each gene, one from our mom and one from our dad. I have an abnormal copy and a normal copy of each set of genes, which makes me compound heterozygous for this condition. We have another blood test to determine if I have another complication associated with this condition and complicates the long term outcome for me. We will be looking specifically at my homocysteine levels. The higher the level, the higher my risk for cardiovascular disease, stroke, hypertension and neural tube defects in babies (none of my kids have had these). It is treatable with extra folic acid and another medication.
So basically it’s this…I have 2 heterozygous genetic issues that both can cause complications during pregnancy but can be treated if we know how severe they are. It also means that I could be prescribed a baby aspirin every day for the rest of my life and then get injections of blood thinners while I’m pregnant. I would also require closer monitoring during pregnancy. There are some hurdles to cross if we get to full term at the time of birth. Some physicians insist on an induction at 39 weeks (this can’t happen for me because I have had 3 c-sections), but a surgical birth isn’t the ideal option either.
There are more labs that need to be done to have a full picture of what we might be dealing with and how it will affect future pregnancy management. I have to wait until my body knows it isn’t pregnant before we can draw those labs. I am going to have those labs drawn at the end of June and then I will be referred back to maternal fetal medicine and also to a reproductive endocrinologist for evaluation.
It isn’t uncommon to have uncomplicated pregnancies and then be diagnosed with these issues afterwards when other complications arise. It does mean that I need to 1. lose weight (being over weight increases my risk of blood clots). 2. Not take hormones (birth control pills, hormone replacement) ever. 3. Decrease any cardiovascular risk I have (eat right, exercise etc).
The doctor also mentioned that I need to have my platelets (the other pieces in my blood that clot with the factor 2) checked to determine if I have an autoimmune disease called ITP (Idiopathic thrombocytopenic purpura). My platelets were normal in early pregnancy but abnormal when I was admitted to the hospital. It is possible that the ITP is only active during pregnancy OR that my platelets were used up making clots as part of the factor 2 issue prior to the losses (which is the most likely scenario).
So that’s what we know and what we don’t. The blessing is that it can be treated, although it complicates things a bit. The additional lab tests in a few weeks will give us more information and I’m praying that God will give my doctors wisdom and willingness to help me have as “normal” of a pregnancy and birth (Lord willing) as possible in the future. I had such and awesome homebirth the thought of not being able to do it again, makes me a little sad. I’m hoping that there will be some way to help it happen again.
Five Minute Friday — See
A Five Minute Writing Challenge <—click to tweet this!
1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. And then absolutely, no ifs, ands or buts about it, you need to visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments. Seriously. That is, like, the rule. And the fun. And the heart of this community..
OK, are you ready? Please give me your best five minutes on:
See…
Life experience gives you the opportunity to see things from another perspective. In the last 6 months I have lost two children in my second trimester. I have been given the opportunity to see life from the perspective of patient (instead of nurse), grieving parent (instead of blissfully ignorant), offended mother, hurt and wounded. But I have also seen compassion, caring and consideration in each of these situations.
I can see the love of Christ in each kind word spoken, each act of service that has been extended to me and my family. God is showing me that even when I feel alone, I am not alone. He has a purpose for bringing me on this journey. I don’t understand why, but I am beginning to see.
Sometimes when we are on a road like this it’s like hiking a trail in the mountains. We can only see a little ways ahead. We can’t see around the next bend. If we could, we wouldn’t keep walking because we wouldn’t like the rocks, trials or the steepness of the trail. But there is something about the unknown up ahead that beckons us to keep walking…to keep going and see what is in store. Sometimes it is more of the same, sometimes it is a soft shady place to rest, sometimes it is just another bend. But we can never see more than what we are meant to see. Life is much the same.
We see what we are meant to see. Never more, never less. Only what God wants in our focus, only what He reveals, urging us on to the next bend, to keep moving. To see.
Communication in marriage
Communication. It’s so vital to the health of a marriage. But it’s often overlooked and taken for granted. Now women by nature are typically talkers. We like to talk out all the options of a scenario and possible outcomes. We like to know what our husband is thinking. We ask questions like “what do you think about…” or “so tell me…” We are whole story people, we want the whole story, little details and all the stuff from beginning to end.
Men on the other hand, typically are short answer kind of folk. Quick to the point. Short story, strictly need to know kind of information.
This can cause some (okay, a lot) of conflict in a marriage. First I have to say this to the ladies…life is not a romantic comedy. Our husbands can’t read our minds and really things rarely play out like they did in “how to lose a guy in 10 days”. Most of the time if you tell them that you’re okay, he believe you. Unless you use that tone that says…”buddy you should know what’s wrong” that strikes fear into his heart. He’ll spend the rest of the day trying to figure out why he’s in the dog house. So don’t expect him to read your mind. Tell him. You love to talk…don’t clam up and expect him to suddenly become telepathic about the stuff that is really important to you.
Guys…your wife wants you to talk to her. She wants you to tell her what you’re thinking and then she wants to verbally process it with you. It’s unnatural for you. I know. But try to give her more than just “it’s okay” or “fine” when she asks you a question. Communicate…it’s one of the ways she knows that you’re paying attention to her, that you care and that you love her.
Here are some general guidelines for communicating with your spouse…
1. Shut your phone off. Don’t facebook, tweet, check your email or otherwise send the message that you’re not really paying attention. (I have been known to try to do all of these while carrying on a conversation with Kerry…it did not go well.)
2. Don’t roll your eyes, sigh, cross your arms etc. Again this says “I don’t really want to be here”.
3. Say something back. Seriously. If you’re listening to someone…say something back to them to let them know that you at least kind of understand what they’re talking about. Even if you say “I have to think about it for a minute”
4. Don’t interrupt. If your spouse can’t read minds…you can’t either. Let them finish their sentence.
5. Be willing to postpone the conversation if you need to. In our house full of 4 boys, we will sometimes have to put our discussion on hold so that we can attend to whatever emergency (diaper change, tantrum, fight or whatever) is at hand. One of our favorite authors has a policy in his house… when mom and dad need time together they tell the kids they’re taking a break. They shut their bedroom door and have time alone to talk, nap or do whatever married couples do when they’re alone. 🙂 The kids know that only in dire emergencies are they allowed to interrupt. Now, this wouldn’t work on our house Our kids are still too young yet, but it’s certainly a great idea.
6. Sometimes silence (gasp!) is okay…for a bit. Other times it means that your spouse has fallen asleep. Silence is helpful to collect your thoughts and formulate a response. But I’m telling you…I only give Kerry about 30 seconds before I start nudging his leg to make sure he’s still awake. Which brings me to my next point…
7. Don’t save big topics (or in some cases any topic) for right before bed. Your husband is tired. Once the lights go out I have about 2 minutes max to say good night to my husband. Now is not the time for me to bring up discipline issues, job conflicts, having another baby (no that’s not an announcement) or whether we should move again. I’ll get irritated that he falls asleep and the poor guy has no idea what hit him when the pillow comes flying across the bed.
8. Keep your personalities in mind. One of the most helpful things we did in our marriage counseling was take a little questionnaire. To be honest the biggest take away I have from this survey was that our personalities are very different. I typically answer questions with either strongly agree/strongly disagree, while Kerry answers them with agree/disagree or neutral (I’m rarely neutral on anything). Eventhough we answered questions similarly, I almost always picked the strongly option. Early in our marriage this proved to be huge. I tend to get excited and worked up about things quickly. I wanted Kerry to do the same. When he would respond calmly or would take time to think about stuff (this is a great quality as I tend to make pretty snap decisions) I would get irritated and interpret it as lack of caring or that he wasn’t paying attention. Sometimes your spouse might need to take time to let it sink in.
9. Be respectful but be honest. This goes without saying I think, but sometimes it’s helpful to have a reminder. Be nice and tell the truth. 🙂
I would encourage you this week to think about how you speak with and to your spouse. Communication isn’t just about conveying ideas. It’s about connecting. It’s about meeting the needs of your marriage and building your relationship.
When I was in nursing school…
In going through and packing up some books, I found a journal that I kept for a whole week when I was in nursing school. It was the first week of the spring semester my first year. Here is what I wrote the night before my first clinical day of med/surg and the day after.
January 10
We had orientation for clinicals today at VCSF (“back then” our orientation was a whole day). I’m going to be doing good if I don’t get lost! That hospital is so crazy. Maybe it just seems that way because Verda took us up every back stairwell she could think of because it was a “short cut”. I’m sure I’m going to end up on the wrong floor looking like an idiot. It was a long day and I’m sure tomorrow will be longer.
I tried to get caught up on some laundry today, it’s so hard to keep things going when I’m so busy with school. We actually have some clean bath towels! I think Kerry was surprised. I should’ve been working on my presentation for post conference tomorrow. I have to present it to the whole class and I don’t want to look stupid.
I’m a little nervous about tomorrow. I get the strong feeling we’re going to be thrown to the wolves. Verda doesn’t seem as “over bearing” as G was, so I don’t think she’ll hover as much. I think that might be scary. I just hope the nurses on the floor are receptive to us being there. The nurses at RS weren’t happy to see us and we felt like we were in the way a lot. I hope it’s different at VCSF. Blech. I should go to bed…I feel sick.
January 11
We had clinicals this morning. I got up at 4:45am to get ready to be at the hospital by 6:30. I am sooo not a morning person. Thank goodness I remembered to switch my scrubs to the dryer or I would have had a lousy start to the day. I think our whole class was a little nervous to start with. I know I was! We were spread out on 3 different floors. Verda gave us our room numbers and the kind of surgery our patient had. That was it. I had a colostomy patient. I thought I would be doing wound and stoma care all day…I felt sick to my stomach this is totally not something I wanted to mess up and I was afraid I was going to feel like a ding dong all day. My nurse told me they had a stoma team for stuff like that and I think I could have hugged her I was so relieved.
My patient threw up all morning and I spent my morning, instead, worrying about him losing staples or trying really hard not to puke myself. Barf is NOT my thing. And then the best part of the whole morning, was right after my patient got his breakfast and he barfed and then coded. Seriously! My first day of clinical and my patient codes, when I was in the room with him…by myself. My first thought wasn’t “ABC” like it should have been…it was “oh my goodness I’m going to fail”. After the code team got in the room I came out to stand in the hallway. Verda wasn’t on the floor so she didn’t know. I walk out and my classmates are all standing there like “are you okay?”. I asked one of them to call Verda. She came down, put her hand and my shoulder and told me to get my butt in the room, that was my patient. I think I could have melted into the floor. Then she announced to the whole room full of nurses and doctors that I was the nursing student and I needed experience. Like the red sea they all parted and the doc running the code told me to keep doing chest compressions. Never ever have I wanted so badly to not be in a situation. I felt like everyone was watching me and all I could think was “if this guy doesn’t make it…I’m so going to fail…” He didn’t make it. I fully expect a call from the department chair tomorrow to discuss my “progress” in the program. I have no idea what happened the rest of today, it’s pretty much a blur, other than I had to be with the chaplain when we talked to his daughter and that I did post mortem care (I’ll bet I’m the only one who gets that one checked off on the first day of clinicals). If Verda wanted to make sure I got the “full” experience…I did. Sheesh.
I was really sorry I carpooled today. All I wanted to do was get in and bawl my eyes out, but I didn’t want my classmates to think I was a wuss so I didn’t. But the minute I got to my car I cried like a baby. Kerry was very nice about the whole thing and is sure I didn’t kill him and that I’m not done with nursing school. I know I didn’t kill him (he aspirated and had a heart attack), but I’m pretty sure I’m done. I guess I can always fall back on being a waitress. I think I’m going to be sick.
January 12
Didn’t get kicked out today. Holding my breath for tomorrow. I guess I should work on my care plan.
Why?
That’s really the big question in all of this isn’t it? Why did it happen? Twice? To us? Why would a loving God let something so horrible happen?
Here is what I’ve come up with as I’ve tried to answer this question for myself.
First of all, it isn’t His fault. It is easy to blame Him for the bad things that happen, but truthfully when we blame God we are blaming a perfect and holy God who created a perfect and holy world for the unholy and sinful things we have done. When God created the world, it was perfect, it was sinless and it was beautiful. In fact, God says it was “very good” (Genesis 1:31). But it didn’t stay that way. Adam and Eve chose to disobey God and follow the advice of Satan. Because we are all part of Adam’s race, we have been living with the consequences of his disobedience.The moment that sin happened, perfection became imperfection and “good” was replaced with “not so good”. Adam moved away from God’s perfection and took all of us with him.
But praise God that we have a way to be redeemed! The cool thing about it is that when we trust that Jesus Christ died on the cross for our sins, paying that penalty we’re brought into a relationship with God better than the one Adam had! My husband preached a sermon on this very topic several weeks ago in Romans. You can listen to it here.
The truth is Satan is a thief (John 10:10 “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly). That’s his strategy, to steal the good and joy that God created, replacing it instead with false promises and destruction. Jesus rescued us from all of that by paying the penalty for our sins (Romans 5:6-8 For while we were still helpless, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. 7 For one will hardly die for a righteous man; though perhaps for the good man someone would dare even to die. 8 But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.) We still have hurt and pain because we’re still living in a fallen and sinful world. We know that God will win the war, but there is still a battle going on here on earth, we still live on an earth where the enemy has freedom.
So really, this whole thing happened because we live in a sinful and fallen world. That’s the big picture answer, but to be honest as a grieving mother that didn’t bring me much comfort. It seems too easy, not personal enough. I want to know why this happened to me.
I have decided and am still learning about why I have lost 2 children within 6 months, why I have been dealt this horrible blow to my “mommy ego” and my ability to carry a pregnancy. One of the reasons, I think, is reflected in 1 Peter 1: 6-7. “6 In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, 7 so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ;”
God’s goal for my life isn’t for me to be without trial, easy going, nothing touches me. His goal for my life is that He will be reflected, I will become like Him in character and heart. God uses the pain and the hurt I have encountered to refine my character. To teach me grace, forgiveness, compassion, endurance and to develop a heart like His. In doing so, His work is able to be reflected in my life. It is to bring Him glory, not me. God is not the cause of my pain, He is not the orchestrator of my hurt, those things come from living in a sinful world. But He uses those things to bring about change in my life, in my heart, in my soul. He uses them for His purpose.
Do I know what that purpose is? Nope. I know that it will bring Him glory. I don’t know what big lesson I’m supposed to learn or what I’m supposed to do if anything other than be humble and be ready. My prayer since the loss of Lily is different from my prayer after Knox died. When Knox died I prayed desperately for the hurt to be taken away, I prayed that I would be able to have another child, I prayed that it wouldn’t happen again. My prayer this time has simply been “use me”. I want to continually be in a place where I can be used by God. I have prayed that God would use this experience, this grief, the lives of my children in Heaven to bring Him glory and that I would be ready, humble and obedient to do what He asks of me.
That is why this has happened.