Five minute Friday — She

Here’s how it all got started, back story, details and all. The short version is:

1. Write for 5 minutes flat for pure unedited love of the written word. (On your blog or in the comments).
2. Link back here and invite others to join in {you can grab the button code in my blog footer}.
3. Go leave some comment props for the five minute artist who linked up before you.
It’s a great way to catch your breath at the end of a long week.
OK, here’s the prompt, give me your best five minutes on the word:

She

I don’t know if I can write it…words just can’t put all that she is, they won’t wrangle all the pieces and parts and I’ll feel like I do her an injustice. But the words get stuck in my throat to say them so…
Mom you are the strongest person I know. You have spent your life giving to others, to me, my children, your family and your patients. I’ve watched you…bone tired from work, mentally exhausted from the turmoil and yet you’d rise to make dinner, get a drink or run bath water. Nary a word or sigh, simple humble service.
I’ve watched you…Every time I take a breath and strike up a conversation with a stranger, comment on the weather, life the ride in the elevator…I think of you. The ease that you can find common ground with a complete stranger. It never came that easy to me, but when I find myself standing alone with someone else I think of you and how you talk to people…not at them…but to them and I take a breath and speak.
I’ve watched you…I’ve watched you buy clothes for you locker at work for the kids and the people who come in sick so you don’t have to send them home in a paper gown. I know you carry chocolate and soft kleenex for the nurses you work with. I know that you will always hold a mamas hand who is losing her baby because you know what it means to her. I trust them with you.
I’ve watched you…weather the storm of life and not become bitter. I’ve watched you bloom in the last two years…through the hurt, through the difficulty…but I’ve seen to run head long into what lies ahead. I’ve seen you hold your head up and treat others with respect even when they weren’t respectable to you. And I’ve seen you continue to love.
I’ve watched you…The boys who completely lose all sense of focus, duty and any sense when they know you’re coming. So much so that I’ve stopped telling them until you’re almost here. The one who calls you “bam-ma” prays for you everyday and thanks God for donuts.
Mom, I swore when I was younger I wouldn’t become you…but now it’s what I hope for. That I can be as loving, as caring and as strong as you. So that when my children grow up, they will take a breath, care for someone and love like you do. You are a blessing to us…all of us…those who know you, who have been cared for by you and best of all those of us who can call you Mom. I am proud of you. I love you more than words can say.
 

Five Minute Friday — Present

Five Minute Friday
1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. And then absolutely, no ifs, ands or buts about it, you need to visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments. Seriously. That is, like, the rule. And the fun. And the heart of this community..

Present

I am reminded today about the importance of living in the present. Soaking it all up, drinking it deep. A school mate is dealing with his 9 year old son having cancer, battling it to the teeth and holding on to every moment for dear life. I see mama’s who are learning about horrible diseases their baby’s have, learning there is no cure,  no treatment and in all reality they will be saying goodbye to the baby before he turns 1. I have a friend who grieves for the daughter she lost 5 years ago, she is missed every day, thought of every day and impacts lives even now.
And I hug my children tighter. I thank God for every moment I have with them. I cry out in prayer for these families and many others. I wonder why such sweet children, parents, families are called to walk this path. And I am reminded that none of us know when we are living our last day. We will all meet an end, for some of us it may be today, tomorrow or 50 years from now. We should all live in the present.
Each day lived full, letting little things go, making memories but most of all loving those around us. When I think about it, I think about what I want my children to remember about me if this is my last day. I think about how I want to be faithful to what God has called to do. I also think about what I’d want to remember about my children if, heaven forbid, this is their last day too. I think about the way my oldest son’s eyes light up when he laughs and how even at 10, he so wants to be a man but is still a boy who loves. I cherish my second son, the way he cares for others and his stories…his stories! And my blue eyed 3rd son, who charms with his smile and his words. I treasure in my heart the smile he seems to give at just the right moment. Then there is my spirited 4th son, such a challenge for me, but oh what a child who drinks in life. He lives the experience! And my precious gift in my 5th son. My baby born after losing two babies. He feels redemptive and healing. His countenance so happy and sweet. When I look at him, I can’t help but think “My Joy comes in the morning”.
I sear these images, these memories and their faces in my mind. Wishing I could take snapshots in my brain and rifle through them each day. I pray for God to help remind me that I need to live in the present. I need to take it all in and take each day for the gift and the moments that they are.
Be present.

Five Minute Friday — Rhythm

How to Join:

Want to know how Five Minute Friday got started and how to participate? All the details are here.

Featured Five Minute Friday:

And every week I’ll pick a post that caught my eye and share it down there in my side bar – see where it says “Featured Five Minute Friday”? Yea -that could be you! Hop on over and visit some folk who make fireworks in just five minutes. They inspire me.

1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. And then absolutely, no ifs, ands or buts about it, you need to visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments. Seriously. That is, like, the rule. And the fun. And the heart of this community..

OK, are you ready? Please give us your best five minutes on the word:::

Rhythm…

I wonder if I’ll ever find it. If I will ever feel like I’m walking in time with the rhythm that plays in the background of my life. I always feel just a bit out of step…with everything and everyone around me.
Some days it feels like I’m trying just to keep time in this crazy world. These 5 boys, the life we live now…here at home. It’s a new rhythm for me, this being home…holding down the fort while we wave good bye to daddy. I turn around on the porch breathe deep and start again. I wonder if I can survive the day, if we’ll all survive…our hearts intact.
We sway together to the rhythm of our life here. We adjust and we move…dancing to the beat of new baby, school, neighbor kids and new town. Our year here and we’re just starting to feel like we can even begin to tap our foot to the beat and maybe even hum a bit to the tune, but in some ways still not familiar enough to sing at the top of our lungs. Free and wild.
I pray for grace to mother these boys. To teach them, to discipline, to grow them…I pray for mercy. I pray that I will be faithful to what God has called me to be and do. I pray too, that my failures, my insecurity and the piles of baggage I bring with me doesn’t bog us down and drown us all.
And I am thankful that the God of the universe, the creator of the world…who saw fit to place these children within my care and place our family in this dusty little town…that HE is the conductor of it all…HE wrote the music and orchestrates the beat of it all. I am thankful HE sets the rhythm and all I have to do is follow…
 
 

Five Minute Friday — Beloved

Five Minute Friday
1. Write for 5 minutes flat with no editing, tweaking or self critiquing.
2. Link back here and invite others to join in {you can grab the button code in my blog’s footer}.
3. Go and tell the person who linked up before you what their words meant to you. Every writer longs to feel heard.
OK, are you ready? Give me your best five minutes for the prompt:

Beloved…

Beloved family.
We kiss them and tuck them in. We snuggle with them in the wee hours of the morning and we love them. They are the beauty of us.
When we started this journey 15 1/2 years ago as a couple of high school kids we never would have imagined this spot is where we’d be standing. But we can’t imagine a better place to be. We owe it all to God’s grace and His ever patient leading, teaching, shaping and forgiving.
I watch my oldest straining to be a man. So much wanting to show his strength, his ability and that he is capable of the challenge. It hurts to watch my boy, the one I cradled and learned with…to watch him grow and yet still need the reassurance he is loved, he is capable and there will always be snuggles and hugs here.

My second, my wild card. The curve ball God gave us…to see his heart and how he cares for others. It does my heart good to hear him read to his younger brothers, to hear him voice concern for those around him and to be willing to sacrifice. I see him give his brother his broccoli…not because he doesn’t like it…it’s his favorite…but because he knows little brother likes it too and ate his already. He waits to read the stories rolling around in his head and I see him writing and telling his stories to no one in particular as he walks around the backyard…talking…telling and sharing his heart.

The third I wasn’t sure I’d have. I was so sure two was our number and then we became obedient to what God has asked of us. His big eyes from the day he was born…stunning those around us. His charm and smile. We prayed for months for his speech…for him to speak more than just a few words and now he is so eager to speak and tell others. Our prayers answered. He shows us how to be patient and how to tolerate. Beautiful in spirit.


Our fourth, our determined child. Determined to make his own way, to hold his own and to do it his way. So hard some days, yet so tender…brokenhearted so easily. Singing his heart out Sunday mornings, not knowing the words but determined to join in the choir of voices and make a joyful noise. Eager to join big brothers, meeting them jump for jump and bruise for bruise.

Then the ones we will meet in eternity. The two surprises that we have waiting…too early to know them much but still grieved and missed. We wonder about the son and daughter that we have there too. We talk of them often and talk about their short lives, their births and deaths, knowing that without them we would have missed some very important lessons about trust, reliance, healing and faith in our God. They perhaps were sent to teach us and show us what we were missing.

And we anticipate the new one…we wait and pray. We pray for his safe arrival and birth, for his health and we wait…all 6 of us with open arms. We can’t wait to hold him and see him. We are ever thankful for his safety thus far and we continue to pray.

Beloved family. Broken, hurting, thankful, healing, learning and loving together. Every day. In our messes. With His grace.

Five Minute Friday — Afraid

Let’s just write and not worry if it’s just right or not. Here’s how to play along:
1. Write for 5 minutes flat for pure unedited love of the written word.
2. Link back here and invite others to join in {you can grab the button code in my blog footer}
3. Go leave some comment props for the five minute artist who linked up before you {and if you love us, consider turning off word verification for the day to make it easier for folks to say howdy}
It’s a great way to catch your breath at the end of a long week.
OK, are you ready? Give me your best five minutes for the prompt:

Afraid

I have been afraid. There are so many things that I am afraid of.
I afraid that I’m a failure. Since we’ve moved here, the gravity of being a stay at home mom and being responsible for raising our children has set in. While Kerry is here and supportive, much of the time it falls on my shoulders…the discipline, the teaching and the responsibility. Oh the responsibility. What if I fail? What if someday they grow up, look back at this home they grew up in and despise it. Worse yet despise me?
I’m afraid that in the last 8 weeks of this pregnancy something terrible, unthinkable will happen. That I won’t be able to hold this sweet child and that the grief of losing another baby will yet again spill down around us and that it will destroy me.
I am afraid. It worries me in this new town, new group of people and new church that I will never quite fit right. That I will be like a puzzle piece jammed in the wrong spot. It’s so hard to relocate and find your “spot”. There are times when I agonize over words I’ve said or not said, things I’ve done or not done and over who I am. I worry that I’ve offended, not welcomed enough or hurt feelings without knowing. I’m afraid that I won’t be enough. For anyone.
Satan knows my fears. He knows how to attack and preys on those fears and those insecurities. It is so easy to go down that path of worry and fear…it’s easy to be terrified of all the things I’m not, can’t be, won’t be. But I’m reminded…The Lord is my light and my salvation, why should I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life, why should I be afraid?
And again :

Isaiah 41:10

10 ‘Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’

God reminds me again and again He is in control. He calms the waves of the storm, He knows the hairs on my head, He bottles my tears. He cares, He loves and He knows. I am so glad I can go to Him with my fears. He loves me like no one else can. He holds my future and He knows. I pray often about my worries and beg forgiveness for picking them up again instead of leaving them at His feet. He brings me peace.
I may be afraid, but He is not. I am so very thankful for His love and His protection.
Stop.

Five Minute Friday — Wide

This is where a brave and beautiful bunch gather every week to find out what comes out when we all spend five minutes writing on the same topic and then sharing ‘em over here.
Now, set your timer, clear your head, for five minutes of free writing without worrying about getting it right.

1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. And then absolutely, no ifs, ands or buts about it, you need to visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments. Seriously. That is, like, the rule. And the fun. And the heart of this community..

Oh and Ahem, if you would take pity and turn off comment verification, it would make leaving some love on your post that much easier for folks!
OK, are you ready? Please give us your best five minutes on:::

Wide…

Sometimes a word is just too big. It encompasses too much for me to write, I have a hard time finding words to fill the space. Wide is that word to me.
I can’t put the significance into words for me. Wide, His arms spread wide, held there by nails. Paying the price for my sin and my wrong so that I could be redeemed. I should have been separated from Him…I deserve it. But He loved me enough to send His son to take the punishment in my place.
I have believed it from the time I was small. I have learned to trust it, really trust it, in the last year or two.
I think often of the trials this last year has brought for our family. Family confrontation and abandonment, the loss of our son, then our daughter, the upheaval of interviewing for a job hours away from what had become so comfortable. Now here I sit, in our new town, new home with a new church…at times feeling lost. My life has changed so very much in such a short time. I am learning a new role in a place that is different. When I think about “before” here, it seems so far away and I long for comfort of normal, known, close.
I have relied on the hope that I have in Christ to carry me through so much. I am so thankful for the hope I have in Him. I’m thankful to know that when I have moments when where I’m supposed to be seems so very far away that I am right where He wants me. Where I am reliant on Him for what comes next, for my peace and my direction.
His arms are always wide open. Waiting to hold me, comfort me and remind me that He has me every step of the way.
 

Five Minute Friday — Connect

ow, set your timer, clear your head, for five minutes of free writing without worrying about getting it right.

1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. And then absolutely, no ifs, ands or buts about it, you need to visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments. Seriously. That is, like, the rule. And the fun. And the heart of this community..

OK, are you ready? Please give me your best five minutes on:::

Connect…

I sit here surrounded by boxes and clutter, noise, dirt and children who feel the chaos around them. I think about pulling out of our driveway for the last time in 10 days. Saying good bye to the place we have called home for the last 5 years. The home where we brought Zeke home and the place where Titus was born.
And I wonder how we will connect in our new place. It’s funny though, I wasn’t worried about it when we moved here. But now, as I look at staying home full time with our children, moving to a new town where my husband will assume a new role in a church and wonder.
Connection is so much more than shaking hands and saying hello. It’s being surrounded by people who “get” you. Being able to be vulnerable. Connections are built over time. They are built by sharing experiences, heart aches and joys.
Connect.
 

Five Minute Friday — Story

On Fridays a group of folk meet here for a free writing exercise.

Just 5 minutes. On the prompt that’s posted here just after midnight early Friday morning. Want to know more – check out the Five Minute Friday back story over here.

And every week I feature a favorite Five Minute Friday post by one of you over there in my side bar. It never ceases to amaze me the creative collaboration that can come from all of us writing on just one word.

Want to join our favorite free writing exercise of the week? It’s easy peasy:

1. Write for 5 minutes flat on the prompt: “Story” with no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.

2. Link back here and invite others to join in.

3. And then absolutely, no ifs, ands or buts about it, you need to visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments. Seriously. That is, like, the rule. And the fun. And the heart of this community..

OK, are you ready? Please give me your best five minutes on:::

Story…

My story.

My story is more than just a list of facts and statistics. It is about emotion and the shaping of who I am. My story has turns and twists and ups and downs. My story has chapters that only I know have been written. But most of all, as cliche’ as it sounds, I hope that my story has God written all over it.

I love how I can look back at my life and see the Author of my life weaving story lines together building my life piece by piece. I used to wonder when I was 8 and struggling to fit in, in a new town, why God moved our family. I can look back and see how He brought characters to my story into my life in that little town. How they helped shape me in ways only they could. I think of my friends and my teachers. The ones who made a difference and who were there listening to me and rooting me on from the sidelines. I hear them telling me “you can do it” and “I’m praying for you” when I think about the challenges that were brought my way in that small little town.

I can see how God brought me to that small town to meet my husband. And what a blessing that has been!

God is the author of my life. He directs my steps and I trust Him with the pen of my life. As I have learned that He is the one penning this tale, I have become eager to read what the next page holds and where the next chapter will take us. I am never so anxious though that I forget to savor the story on this page, this chapter, at this moment.

Psalm 119:35

35 Make me walk in the path of Your commandments,

For I delight in it.

Five Minute Friday — Path

For five minutes flat. No extreme editing; no worrying about perfect grammar, font, or punctuation.
Unscripted. Unedited. Real. All on the same prompt that I post here at 1 minute past midnight EST ever Friday.
Write and see what comes out. There’s no right or wrong.
It’s a #FiveMinuteFriday flash mob! <—click to tweet this!

1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. And then absolutely, no ifs, ands or buts about it, you need to visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments. Seriously. That is, like, the rule. And the fun. And the heart of this community..

::
OK, are you ready? Please give me your best five minutes on:

Path…

A path lies before our family. We can’t see it and we don’t know where it’s taking us. We trust the One who made the path and who prods us along on this journey.
We can only see what He chooses to reveal, sometimes it stretches out miles in front of us and other times we can only see to the next bend, the next few feet.
In the last year this path has brought us to trials that we would have never imagined. We have lost 2 precious children in 6 months, but our God carried us through and we learned lessons along the way. We have experienced despair, abandonment, betrayal and incredible heartache at the hands of those who shouldn’t inflict such deep wounds. We have had to learn forgiveness, grow thick skin and learn to walk away all while still loving…because no matter what we do or say we can’t make them see.
And now our path has brought us through the future unknown. The “what next” as we wonder where the path leads. At this point in our lives, we can’t see more than a few feet ahead. But out of obedience we continue to walk together, waiting, discovering and learning. We trust that when we look back at the winding twisted path, that it will indeed be straight, it has been carved especially for us by the hand of God who can see exactly where we’re going. Our job is to be obedient His gentle prompting…”Keep walking”

Proverbs 3:6

In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.

Five Minute Friday — Expectation

Fridays are for writing for five minutes.
Only five minutes.
Stream-of-consciousness style. Like you did when you were in 9th grade.
Write and see what comes out. There’s no right or wrong.
Got 5 minutes? Come and spend them writing <—click to tweet this!

1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. And then absolutely, no ifs, ands or buts about it, you need to visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments. Seriously. That is, like, the rule. And the fun. And the heart of this community..

OK, are you ready? Please give me your best five minutes on:

Expectation…

Prince charming, happily ever after, no arguments, no trouble…wonderful wedded bliss.
Eleven years ago today (June 9) I married my dear husband. We were young (19), in love and full of expectations. I thought we’d settle down, plant some roots and grow our family. Instead, we’ve moved 10 times in the last 11 years (2 of those to the same house). Our current place of residence is the longest we’ve ever stayed in any house…4 whole years! We’ve grown our family, both here on earth and in Heaven.
Instead of planting roots, I’ve come think of us more as a potted plant…easily movable…at home where we are for the moment.
We always joke that we’ve been married for 11 years, 7 of them have been really wonderful. The first few years were filled with unmet, uncommunicated and unrealistic expectations. As we’ve grown we’ve learned to be flexible a bit. Life has a way of making you change your expectations, your focus, your goals and you as a couple.
When I was first married I expected Kerry to be able to “make it all better”, to make up for my inadequacies and failures, to fill holes left behind. I expected him to carry me away and we would live the end of the fairytale. Boy was I stupid!
We are living a fairy tale though. A true to life fairy tale. Filled with twists and turns. Joys, grief, surprises and lessons that we are learning together. Our fairy tale is what has made us the couple we are. Our expectations have changed.
We were told when we were married, by someone who wasn’t crazy about it, that the person you marry when you’re 19 isn’t the same person you’d marry when you’re 26. Well I hope not! I would hope somewhere between 19 and 26 or 36 that you’d grow, you’d change. For us, though, we’ve had the benefit of growing and changing together. Without a doubt, the person I married at 19 isn’t the same man he is today, but it doesn’t matter because we’ve changed together, neither of us is the same we are so very different from who we were 11 years ago, but we are together, we are happy and we are in love.
My expectations for the rest of my married life are to live out our fairy tale together, until death parts us.
A copy of our marriage vows (and we still mean them):

I, Kerry, take you, Erin, to be my wedded wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to understand, till death do us part, according to the design of God in creation and thereto pledge thee my faith.

I, Erin, take you, Kerry, to be my wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to understand, till death do us part, according to the design of God in creation and thereto pledge thee my faith.