One year

A year ago today (5/19) our daughter Lily was born. She was born on our son Knox’s due date. We said goodbye to two babies in 6 months. I remember when we got pregnant with her that surely(surely!) God wouldn’t ask us to go through the grief of losing another baby.

When we were given her diagnosis, I was sure she was going to be the 1% that survived. But she didn’t and she was born on the day our son should have been born.

So much has happened in the last year and a half. We’ve said goodbye to two children and welcomed a new one to our family. Time has softened the grief a bit, but it’s still there under the surface. While I was pregnant with Zeb, I struggled with fear. I struggled to embrace and delight in the pregnancy because I *knew* that God could ask me to grieve another child. There is no promise that He won’t again. But I trusted that whatever He chose for us would be the best that He had for our family…even if we don’t always understand it. The morning Zeb was born all I could do was sit there and hold him praising God for the safe arrival of our baby. That I was holding him in my arms without grieving…but yet part of me did in a way. One child doesn’t replace another. Lily didn’t replace Knox and Zeb doesn’t replace either of them.

I still grieve the loss of our babies, I hurt deeply. I still have days where I’ll see an outfit and it will give me pause. It reminds me of a daughter I don’t get to hold here. I’ll see a hat or pair of shoes and I’m taken for a moment to the place where I know that a little girl is missing in our lives. I see Zeb and wonder if Knox would look as much like his brothers as Zeb does. I wonder if Knox would share the same bent pinky or one sided dimple with his brothers. I trust that one day I will know. What a marvelous day it will be to meet my children for the first time in Heaven.
But I am thankful. I am thankful…even as my heart still heals. While I grieve (yes still), I can minister. God has taught me and grown me. He has knit our family together tighter than before. He has blessed me with opportunity to share His love with others because of what He’s called me to go through. I am thankful too, for the healthy baby I have in arms tonight. While we have always viewed children as blessings and we have desired them…the true meaning of that blessing I think would, in some ways, be lost had we not been through losing Knox and Lily. I can truly say that while I am exhausted some mornings, I am so very thankful to have a baby to wake up with during the night. When I was pregnant, I would give thanks for every push and pull when he would move, when I was in labor I praised God for every contraction and now that Zeb is here…I am grateful for every late night feeding and early morning diaper change. We all are. 

Lily is not forgotten today, on this day…her birthday. Knox is not forgotten on this day…his due date. They are remembered every day. We talk about them and we have reminders of their special little lives in our home. Knox’s footprints hang in our hallway, Lily’s pictures are in our photo album and they are remembered and loved. They are part of our family.
We remember and are thankful.

Mikarose — A Review

I don’t know about you, but trying to find a modest dress these days that still looks stylish is pretty impossible. Not only that, but try to find one that is pregnancy or breastfeeding friendly and you’ve narrowed your search even further.
I was so excited to be able to review a cute, modest dress for Mikarose recently. Mikarose is a clothing company that specializes in modest, elegant and fashionable dresses, skirts and attire for women. The goal of the company is to provide a wide range of modest dresses without sacrificing style or comfort. The clothes they sell are also very reasonably priced which is another bonus.
I have been a Facebook follower of Mikarose for over a year but have been pregnant most of the time and didn’t really think their dresses could accommodate my pregnant belly. Knowing what I know now, I look forward to wearing their dresses during pregnancy. As most moms know, if you’re breastfeeding a baby you’re pretty much stuck with pants/skirts and a separate top…dresses are almost always out of the mix simply for ease of nursing the baby. Not only that, but if you do manage to find a dress that allows you to nurse a baby it isn’t usually the cutest thing in your closet. So I’ve got to be honest I was a little skeptical when I was asked to review this dress. I thought  “there’s no way I’m really going to be able to nurse comfortably in this dress”.
I was sent the Valerie dress (see it here) to try out. It comes is dark brown or red (which is currently on backorder). I am always a little hesitant to order clothes online because I’m not sure how they’ll fit, especially just a few weeks after giving birth. I ordered the size suggested on their website and found that the dress fit beautifully. I was also a little concerned about how the dress would fit length wise because I’m shorter than your average person at 5’2″ but I really liked where it fell on me, which was about mid-calf.
As a post partum mom, I’m always a little self-conscious about my mommy tummy right after the baby is born (Zeb is about one month old). I liked that the Valerie dress had a bit of rouching around the tummy and helped me feel like my belly was camouflaged a bit. The dress overall was very comfortable and I wore it to church on Sunday.

The moment of truth came for me when the baby woke up and was hungry. Was this really going to work? The beauty of this dress is that there is a little hook and eye closure on the front where it crosses across the body. I was able to nurse easily after unfastening the hook and eye. I use a cover when nursing as a general rule but was pleased with how easily I was able to feed Zeb and the amount of give in the fabric to be able to nurse comfortably. When I was done feeding the stretch in the fabric let it return to it’s normal shape without looking like I’d completely stretched it beyond where it should have been.
Their clothes aren’t just for pregnant and nursing mamas. They’re for anyone wanting fashionable modest clothing at a reasonable price. I was very impressed with the quality of this dress and Mikarose will be one of my new “go to” stores when I’m shopping for myself.
Perhaps the most important thing about the whole thing is that I felt pretty. I was able to wear a modest dress, that allowed me to nurse, and still be stylish all at the same time. I was delighted. I had several compliments on the dress throughout the day and as most of us know that is a huge deal to a new mom.

As a special deal for my readers, you can get 10% off your order at Mikarose by using the coupon code blog2013 when you check out.
You can visit their website at or their Facebook page at
I received one or more of the products mentioned above for free from Mikarose. Regardless, I only recommend products or services I use personally and believe will be good for my readers.