Author: Erin

Five Minute Friday — Story

On Fridays a group of folk meet here for a free writing exercise.

Just 5 minutes. On the prompt that’s posted here just after midnight early Friday morning. Want to know more – check out the Five Minute Friday back story over here.

And every week I feature a favorite Five Minute Friday post by one of you over there in my side bar. It never ceases to amaze me the creative collaboration that can come from all of us writing on just one word.

Want to join our favorite free writing exercise of the week? It’s easy peasy:

1. Write for 5 minutes flat on the prompt: “Story” with no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.

2. Link back here and invite others to join in.

3. And then absolutely, no ifs, ands or buts about it, you need to visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments. Seriously. That is, like, the rule. And the fun. And the heart of this community..

OK, are you ready? Please give me your best five minutes on:::

Story…

My story.

My story is more than just a list of facts and statistics. It is about emotion and the shaping of who I am. My story has turns and twists and ups and downs. My story has chapters that only I know have been written. But most of all, as cliche’ as it sounds, I hope that my story has God written all over it.

I love how I can look back at my life and see the Author of my life weaving story lines together building my life piece by piece. I used to wonder when I was 8 and struggling to fit in, in a new town, why God moved our family. I can look back and see how He brought characters to my story into my life in that little town. How they helped shape me in ways only they could. I think of my friends and my teachers. The ones who made a difference and who were there listening to me and rooting me on from the sidelines. I hear them telling me “you can do it” and “I’m praying for you” when I think about the challenges that were brought my way in that small little town.

I can see how God brought me to that small town to meet my husband. And what a blessing that has been!

God is the author of my life. He directs my steps and I trust Him with the pen of my life. As I have learned that He is the one penning this tale, I have become eager to read what the next page holds and where the next chapter will take us. I am never so anxious though that I forget to savor the story on this page, this chapter, at this moment.

Psalm 119:35

35 Make me walk in the path of Your commandments,

For I delight in it.

Off guard

I was caught off guard today by my emotions.
I was going through some bins in our basement and came across our costume bin. As I was sorting through, towards the bottom there it was. The dress-up dress I have been saving since before I was married for my “someday daughter” and my breath caught in my throat. My eyes filled with tears at the reminder of the daughter I have lost and the son I still grieve. Both whom I long for.
I cried.
I grieved for the daughter I won’t be holding in November. I felt hot anger about the fact that I have a bin that is labeled “Lord willing girl stuff” and the womb where I carried my daughter is empty. I’ve hidden away a hand knit dress that a co-worker gave me when I was in California. I have a headband with a ridiculously gigantic flower on it and a pink onesie with little daisies around the collar. It’s all packed away in the back of the closet, waiting and hoping for a baby.
It hit me this morning…what if all it does is sit there and wait? What if there isn’t another baby, what if that daughter never comes? What it?  And the gravity of the grief came crashing down. I sat on my floor and grieved my children, my empty arms and the unknown ahead.
I sat and felt sorry for myself. But as I wallowed I saw…
Around the corner peeked two little eyes. In came a sleepy eyed little one carrying his sippy cup. He curled up on my lap and patted my arm. He looked puzzled at the tears on my cheeks. I inhaled and snuggled the warmth of his little bed wrinkled cheek. I thanked God for the blessing of my children. All of them, the ones I get to hold and the ones I don’t. He reminded me, while I grieve I should rejoice. I should delight and I should trust.
I was caught off guard today, but the Lord did not let me fall.

Proverbs 3: 5-8

5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart

And do not lean on your own understanding.

6 In all your ways acknowledge Him,

And He will make your paths straight.

7 Do not be wise in your own eyes;

Fear the Lord and turn away from evil.

8 It will be healing to your body

And refreshment to your bones.

 

 

New Recipe Monday — Crockpot Chicken Spaghetti

This past week I had 11 people for lunch (including our family). I had no idea what I was going to fix. So I asked my readers for suggestions and had some fantastic options. I picked this recipe and modified it (I never follow a recipe exactly) to fit what I had. It’s not the healthiest, but it was a hit and was really easy to make.

Crock-pot Chicken Spaghetti

Ingredients

***I made a double recipe in my crockpot, so everything below was times 2 except the pasta***
16 oz dry spaghetti, cooked (I used 16 oz bag of elbow macaroni)
1 lb. velveeta light cheese
12.5 oz can chicken breast, drained and flaked (I don’t use canned meat, so used some left over baked chicken)
10 3/4 oz can 98% fat free cream of mushroom soup, undiluted (I don’t buy cream soups anymore…I found a recipe that I make whenever I need it…I share that next week)
10 3/4 oz can 98% fat free cream of chicken soup, undiluted
10 oz can diced tomatoes and green chilies (Ro-Tel)
4 oz can mushroom stems and pieces, drained (I didn’t add these)
1/2 c water
1 small onion, diced
1 medium green pepper, diced (I used red, orange, yellow and green)
salt & pepper, to taste

Directions:

Spray slow cooker with non-stick cooking spray
Combine all ingredients in slow cooker and stir well
Cook on LOW for 2-3 hours. Stir again just before serving. I served it with salad, french bread, celery and carrots. It would be good with tortillas or corn chips.
**I actually cooked it on high for about 2 hours and then turned it down because I wanted to make sure it was heated through. I would also suggest when you’re cooking the pasta cooking it al dente because it continues to cook in the crock pot and it can get mushy**

 

I wonder

After losing 4 babies, 2 of them in the last 6 months, I wonder.
I wonder if I get pregnant again and if I get to carry that baby to term…if I will complain. I have wanted so desperately with my last 2 pregnancies to hold my precious children, I have longed to go to them in the night and snuggle them close. So I wonder…will I embrace it for the blessing it is? Will I begrudge the loss of sleep, the fatigue, the frustration?
i wonder, after spending 30 weeks in the first trimester, if I’m blessed again to become pregnant…will I pray for the nausea to go away? Will I gripe about not being able to eat or the feeling of constant motion? Or will I be thankful that I am carrying and growing a child?
I wonder too, at times, if I will ever be able to experience those things again. I wonder if my first home birth will be my last…my only. I am so very thankful that my very dear friend talked me into taking pregnancy pictures. 2 years ago I was big and pregnant and thought “this is old hat…there will be others…why take pictures?” But…2 years later…2 pregnancies…2 deaths…2 empty arms later and I am so very grateful for those moments captured.
I wonder what lies ahead for me and my family. I wonder if Zeke will ever get his baby sister that he prays for almost every day. I wonder if Otto will be able to talk to and tell stories to another baby in my womb. I wonder if I’ll be able to feel those first flutters for longer than a few days, if I’ll be able to experience labor and anticipate the birth of my child rather than dread what lies ahead. I wonder how God will use my children, my grief, our story for His glory.
I pray often about what lies ahead and I wonder.

Microscope

We are candidating this weekend at a church. (I say we because it is never just about Kerry).
It’s our *first* one. It is busy. And I feel a little bit like we’re under the microscope. It’s has been a good experience and we’ve met wonderful people. But I constantly wonder if I’m being evaluated and there is going to be secret meeting where score cards are tallied and we’re given a grade. It may come from my dysfunctional upbringing, but I always wonder if I’m getting dinged for behavior or a misstep somewhere.
But I decided before we came that I wasn’t going to put pressure on my children to “behave” any differently than the usual expectation for our family. I didn’t want them to feel like they had to be on display or put on a show for all the nice people.
I decided that we were going to be just us.
For two reasons really, the first is that if we do come here I don’t want to have to keep that show going long term. I mean it’s a lot of work to pretend you’re something you’re not.  And the second is that if the church in general is going to be relevant and authentic to the world around them, then there shouldn’t be any reason to “put on a show” for anyone. Whether they’re interviewing, visiting or have been coming through the doors for years. We should be willing to welcome (and let’s face it sometimes tolerate) each other with our children who run in the hall, our voices that sing off key and personalities that may be too bold for our taste.
Now I have to confess, there have been a couple times I’ve turned around in the car and reminded the boys that we’re going to someone else’s house for dinner and to remember to say please and thank you (and don’t eat the dog biscuits or strip down in your underwear to  play in the water…yes those things have all happened and there are stories behind them). But other than that we are who we are…who God made us. There is always room for growth and there is always something to learn, but we are not show animals. We are people and if we want to reach out to people and share the love of Christ with them we must be willing to be seen as we are without the facade of “good behavior” only pulled out on special occasions like fine china.
For us this weekend isn’t just an opportunity to candidate for a church but it’s also an opportunity for us (me especially) to be comfortable with being who we are and to practice being authentic. To make no apologies for the fact that I have 4 boys who keep going back for animal crackers because you leave the jar wide open on the counter. To be proud of my *little* family and our wackiness, our shyness (and not so shyness). I am reminded that God has brought our family together and is molding it as only He can.
So as we’re “under the microscope” my prayer is that those looking can see the work of Christ in our lives and in our family. That they can see His handiwork more than they can see anything else.
 

Doubt

For the first time this week I doubted whether I could be a stay at home mom. I have wanted nothing more for the last several years than to be home with my children. I was ready to walk out the door and go back to work.
I felt so guilty when Kerry got home from work because I so doubted myself. I struggle a bit with thinking I have to “master” this stay at home mom thing. I am a goal oriented person, I like to excel at what I do, I like to master things. So in the last month I have approached being at home the same way I do any thing else. With a plan, a list, an idea of how it *should* be when I’m done.
I forgot to factor in one thing…my “team” isn’t always on board. In fact, my team of children sometimes doesn’t even care what is on my list or that I want to be the best at home mom ever.
Monday was a particularly trying day. No one listened to me, the boys fought, and it seemed like every time I turned around I was brushing my teeth while eating Oreos. I vacuumed the floor only to have a child 5 minutes later roll over a rogue shredded wheat with his car, smushing it into my newly vacuumed carpet. I swept the floor only to have the bird seed get dumped just after I hung up the dust pan. I folded laundry only to have a new pile magically appear after direction was given to clean out from underneath the beds.
So I began to wonder if it was my system that was broken (I would say partly yes and we’re working on it). I questioned my ability to do “job” after job only to have it undone again. I seriously thought I might go nuts if I had to turn circles all day long doing the same thing over and over again. I tend to like projects…do something, get it done and it stays done. It’s just not so when you’re working at home.
I did have small successes though, I didn’t yell. Not once. Not when the dog walked through mud and drug it in on my clean floor (don’t ask how the mud got there, we haven’t had rain in Pueblo for over a week). I didn’t yell when 2 minutes after I corrected for disobedience, it happened again, with the same thing. I didn’t yell when the 3 year old “helped” by taking off the diaper of the 1 year old and didn’t tell me or put a new one on and instead laughed hysterically when said 1 year old peed all over the floor. I also didn’t yell when the dog bowl was used for a swimming pool, in my kitchen. I prayed moment by moment. I made a choice to lower my voice, to be calm when all I really wanted to do was call my husband and work and say “I’m outta here” (for a little while at least).
As I navigated through the trials of the day, I kept thinking “and we’re not even doing school yet, there’s no way I can pull this off”.  But that’s what the enemy wants us to do isn’t it? Doubt? He wants us to doubt ourselves so much that we are disobedient to what we’ve been called to do. I had to remind myself how hard it was to go to work every morning, driving away from my family and missing them. I had to remind myself that here, at home, is where I am called to be. Loving, training, teaching.
I still have a lot to learn, I am still working on my “system” when I’m home, but I have learned that this may be something I never master, because there is always a new lesson to learn. My goal has now become to be the mother and wife I have been created to be. My goal isn’t to be the “expert” stay at home mom, it is to be obedient, to be pliable, to learn as much as I teach and to focus on my reward in Heaven. To work so that when I die and see my God, He will say “Well done good and faithful servant”, even if no one here on earth ever does.

One month

Today is one month since we held our daughter Lily for the first and last time. It seems so long ago. I think of both her and Knox every day. I wonder if I’ve been faithful to what God has called me to do. I wonder if I will ever be able to get past the second trimester with another pregnancy or if Titus was my last live birth. I dream of being able to hold our baby in my arms and not have to say goodbye.
In many ways I am still grieving for both of them. My heart aches for the children I don’t get to hold. My arms long to cradle a tiny baby. I want to smell the freshness of a new little one, to revel in her fingers and toes, to watch her breathe and sleep. I want to fall head over heals in love with a new creation, a gift from our Heavenly Father.
I want desperately to not have to mourn the loss of another child. I don’t want to experience that heart stopping feeling when you learn that the one you carry inside has already gone to be with Jesus. I dig my heals in at the thought of going through another induction, labor and birth only to hold a dead baby again.
I try not to worry about the possibility of it all happening again. I try to cast my cares on Him when they start to creep in and steal my peace. I struggle sometimes to not get lost in “what if” and drown in the unknown of the future.
Some days I have to make a conscious choice to count my blessings instead of my worries. To be thankful instead of angry or scared. There are days when every minute I have to remind myself to let go of the things I can’t control, to trust in the God who created me. There are days when I have to tell myself that my body is not broken. I am not defective. My God knit me together in my mother’s womb, just as He knit each of my children together. He knew this path I would be on before I was every born. He knows where the path leads and He goes before me.
Today I remember the life of my daughter Lily and the life of my son Knox, as well as the two other little babies I lost. Today I am thankful for all of my children, those on earth and those in the arms of Jesus. I am thankful that I am a mother to 8 children, 4 of them born to glory. I am blessed to remember the elation I felt when I learned I was expecting Lily. The thanks I prayed and tears I cried when I saw her heartbeat for the first time. And in a way, I am blessed to have gone through losing a son and a daughter in 6 months. It gives me a perspective many parents don’t have. It has allowed God to work even more powerfully in my life. I pray that I can be faithful to His call. I pray that there will be good that comes out of this grief. I pray that I can bring Him glory in all that I say and do.
I am reminded of a verse and a song.

Psalm 30: 10-12

10 “ Hear, O Lord, and be gracious to me;

O Lord, be my helper.”

11 You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;

You have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness,

12 That my soul may sing praise to You and not be silent.

O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever.


And a favorite song of mine that has been on my heart yesterday and today.
http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=9FM21MNU

Beauty For Ashes lyrics

Crystal Lewis, Ron Kenoly
He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fear
Gladness for mourning
Peace for despair 
When sorrow seems to surround you
When suffering hangs heavy o’er your head
Know that tomorrow brings
Wholeness and healing
God knows your need
Just believe what He said
He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fear
Gladness for mourning
Peace for despair
When what you’ve done keeps you from moving on
When fear wants to make itself at home in your heart
Know that forgiveness brings
Wholeness and healing
God knows your need
Just believe what He said
He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fear
Gladness for mourning
Peace for despair
I once was lost but God has found me
Though I was bound I’ve been set free
I’ve been made righteous in His sight
A display of His splendor all can see
He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fear
Gladness for mourning
Peace for despair

 
 

New Recipe Monday — Granola bars

I’ve been looking for good granola bar recipes. I tried this one last week and it wasn’t too bad. I’m working on taking my favorite granola recipe and turning it into bars.

Ingredients

  • 2 cups rolled oats
  • 3/4 cup packed brown sugar
  • 1/2 cup wheat germ
  • 3/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
  • 1 cup all-purpose flour
  • 3/4 cup raisins (optional)
  • 3/4 teaspoon salt
  • 1/2 cup honey
  • 1 egg, beaten
  • 1/2 cup vegetable oil
  • 2 teaspoons vanilla extract

** I also added a handful of peanuts, sunflower seeds and flax seeds.

Directions

  1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Generously grease a 9×13 inch baking pan.
  2. In a large bowl, mix together the oats, brown sugar, wheat germ, cinnamon, flour, raisins and salt. Make a well in the center, and pour in the honey, egg, oil and vanilla. Mix well using your hands. Pat the mixture evenly into the prepared pan.
  3. Bake for 30 to 35 minutes in the preheated oven, until the bars begin to turn golden at the edges. Cool for 5 minutes, then cut into bars while still warm. Do not allow the bars to cool completely before cutting, or they will be too hard to cut.

They are a little harder than I would usually like, so I think next time I’ll make them with about 1/2 cup of applesauce to see if that makes them a bit softer. I should also note that the whole pan was gone in less than 24 hours. Very popular at my house.

 

Five Minute Friday — Path

For five minutes flat. No extreme editing; no worrying about perfect grammar, font, or punctuation.
Unscripted. Unedited. Real. All on the same prompt that I post here at 1 minute past midnight EST ever Friday.
Write and see what comes out. There’s no right or wrong.
It’s a #FiveMinuteFriday flash mob! <—click to tweet this!

1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. And then absolutely, no ifs, ands or buts about it, you need to visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments. Seriously. That is, like, the rule. And the fun. And the heart of this community..
::
OK, are you ready? Please give me your best five minutes on:

Path…

A path lies before our family. We can’t see it and we don’t know where it’s taking us. We trust the One who made the path and who prods us along on this journey.
We can only see what He chooses to reveal, sometimes it stretches out miles in front of us and other times we can only see to the next bend, the next few feet.
In the last year this path has brought us to trials that we would have never imagined. We have lost 2 precious children in 6 months, but our God carried us through and we learned lessons along the way. We have experienced despair, abandonment, betrayal and incredible heartache at the hands of those who shouldn’t inflict such deep wounds. We have had to learn forgiveness, grow thick skin and learn to walk away all while still loving…because no matter what we do or say we can’t make them see.
And now our path has brought us through the future unknown. The “what next” as we wonder where the path leads. At this point in our lives, we can’t see more than a few feet ahead. But out of obedience we continue to walk together, waiting, discovering and learning. We trust that when we look back at the winding twisted path, that it will indeed be straight, it has been carved especially for us by the hand of God who can see exactly where we’re going. Our job is to be obedient His gentle prompting…”Keep walking”

Proverbs 3:6

In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.