I was so close to a dream this week I could taste it. I’m a dreamer by nature so it’s not hard for me to get caught up in the planning and visioning of what could be if only…
I’m usually pretty guarded though. I’ve learned that dreamers sometimes get disappointed (okay a lot of times). I’ve learned to temper my dreaming. Keep it far off in the distance and not let it run too wild.
But this one…this one was so close. I imagined what if, I imagined our family there…growing up…growing old. It took off before I could reign it in. And I let it. I let it carry me over the possibilities.
And I crashed today. Hard.
It’s been tough for me to not throw a temper tantrum, and honestly I have. I’ve been near in tears numerous times. I’ve struggled against spewing dreadful things at my family so instead I’ve been quiet and sullen. Short with my words for fear anger and disappointment would spill over or worse yet…I’d end up in a puddle if years like a two year old.
Sometimes dreams are fun, sometimes they happen, and sometimes they don’t happen. For me, today it’s a bitter pill to swallow. And I am disappointed.
Category: wife
Us vs Them vs In-between
I’ve been working on this post for a while now in my brain. I want to talk about the mommy wars that are happening around us. Why is there this constant battle between stay at home moms, work out of the home moms and anyone who falls in between those two roles? It drives me batty.
I have worked outside of the home and I have recently become a stay at home mom. There are things I liked about both. I can tell you that I am happier now being at home than I ever thought I would be but….there are days when I still miss working in the hospital as a nurse in L&D. But I have learned, for everything there is a season and now is not the season of my life where I need to be outside the home.
When my oldest son was born, I was a full time nursing student. I had him right before Thanksgiving break and went back to school the following Monday, I was fortunate enough that my mom could watch him and would bring him to the school in between classes so that I could feed him. When I graduated he was 6 months old and I went to work full time night shift right after I passed my boards. It wasn’t easy, but I enjoyed my job. It was perhaps made a bit easier for a time because he was watched by family members (I realize not everyone has this luxury), but when I had to put him in childcare…I felt torn. I hated leaving him crying in a room full of children. I hated tearing myself away, seeing pictures of him taken with a sadness in his eyes and worrying about what he was hearing from his providers. I walked in one day shortly after I dropped him off because I was called off due to low census. They weren’t expecting me…and I heard his teacher yelling at another little boy in the hallway. She was yelling at him because he couldn’t pull his overalls down fast enough and had an accident. I walked passed him with tears streaming down his face, wishing I could hold him in my arms and tell him it wasn’t his fault. I picked up my son and never took him back.
I have worked full time outside of the home for the last 10 years in one form or another until we moved this past summer. I never felt defensive about my decision, I never felt like I had to make others moms feel bad because they chose to stay home or work or whatever. The truth is, I envied moms who had the opportunity to stay home. I didn’t like leaving a feverish child in the arms of someone else (even if it was Daddy or Grandma).
When we lived in Pueblo and I was teaching nursing full time I started to feel convicted about working out of the home and being away from my children so much. Kerry was miserable, although he was (and is) a great dad, he got depressed about being home full time. He wanted to provide for his family. And I wanted to be home with my children. I remember driving to clinical rotations at 5:00 am crying and praying to God to find a way for him to work and me to be home. We weren’t financially in a place for that to happen and we felt hopeless. But God (my favorite two word ever), slowly showed us we could do it and I began to cut back at work and Kerry began to work outside out home. We worked hard to pay off a lot of debt in that time as well. God has always provided for our family. And in spring of this last year I quit my full time teaching job. It was freeing! Kerry didn’t have a job and didn’t have any prospects. But I was going to stay home. God has provided employment for him that provides for our family and I still teach part time online. It was an adjustment to be sure. It has been hard for me to make new connections in a new town without working outside the home. The first few weeks we were here I cried because I felt so lonely. There are days I still do. But the truth is, I am delighted to be here. I feel “right” for the first time in years. I keep my nursing license current because one day, I might decide to go back to the hospital…I do miss witnessing mothers bring their babies into the world. For now though, this…right here…right now is where I’m supposed to be and I’m thrilled.
Here’s my beef though…
What is with all the fighting? I read several blogs and participate in several online forums and there seems to be this constant war between Stay at home moms (SAHM) and work out of the home moms (WOHM). Someone on a blog will post something about her conviction to stay at home and she gets blasted for “wasting her talent” or being “old fashioned” or “judging” others. A WOHM will post a question asking about how to choose a childcare provider or about an issue with childcare and she gets blasted for not “being obedient” to God or ignoring the mandate to “love her children and her husband”. And it gets nasty. Words are not being spoken in love or kindness, instead they belittle and hurt and wound.
Both sides feel like they have Biblical support for their beliefs. SAHM point to Titus 2: 3-5 as the Biblical mandate to stay at home.
Titus 2: 3-5
3 Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, 4 so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, 5 to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored.
WOHM point to Proverbs 31 to make their case.
Proverbs 31:16
She considers a field and buys it;
From her earnings she plants a vineyard.
Proverbs 31: 24
She makes linen garments and sells them,
And supplies belts to the tradesmen.
Proverbs 31:27
She looks well to the ways of her household,
And does not eat the bread of idleness.
Back and forth the arrows fly between camps. The truth is this…we all want the best for our children. We all love them. We all do what we can and what we know to give them what we think they need. And…we’re not all at the same place in our walk, God is working differently in all of us. Sometimes we can’t see a way out of our current financial, work or life situation. Sometimes our choices (past and present) make it necessary to work. Sometimes we think we’re better people because we work or because we stay home. Sometimes we’re right and sometimes we’re wrong.
What I hope, is that every parent will seriously consider what is best for their family and put thought into why they’re choosing what they are for their children and the results of what those choices are. I wouldn’t want either “side” to just do something because it’s what someone else tells them to do. It has to be a decision made, ideally because of a God given conviction and leading from the Holy Spirit for what is best for their family, not mine, not yours but their family.
One thing I’ve learned is that making others feel lousy for their choices doesn’t change their mind. It makes them dig in their heels and fight for their position…right or wrong. I can tell you it took me years to get to the point where I could quit my job. I praise God for women in my life who showed me that I could be just as valuable at home as I could in the workplace. I’m a huge positive reinforcement person, I love to hear “job well done” I worked hard to please those around me and to be the best at what I did. I can tell you that when you stay at home…”job well done” isn’t uttered often by the little children gathered at your feet. My husband had to learn why it was important to hear it from him and I had to learn that my rewards will come later.
The women who God used to guide me and show me where He wanted me didn’t tell me I was wrong, they didn’t hit me over the head with scripture or even come out and say it most times. They lived it. They lead by example, they shared advice with me and encouraged me when I was upset.
I drives me bonkers that there are even lines drawn in the sand. That moms feel like they have to attack each other. It’s hard enough worrying about your children and their well being. It’s hard enough questioning your own decisions about what food you’re feeding them, books their reading and friends they’re with, without having others question you too.
Here’s the deal…Do I think the best place for me to be is at home? Absolutely. Do I think children are better served when moms are there to take care of them, teach them and guide them? Yep. But am I going to berate a mother who works outside the home and sends her children to childcare? No. When she posts a question asking about childcare or balancing work and family, I will respond with what I would do or encourage her…because I’ve been there. My job is not to be the Holy Spirit and convict, my job is to speak words with love, show with my actions and let God do the convicting and convincing. I can be a resource, a sounding board, provide suggestions and tell other moms how we did it (it did take some sacrifices) but I will not, I refuse, to participate in the mommy war.
Proverbs 31: 26
She opens her mouth in wisdom,
And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
Leave and Cleave — Wilderness walking, rooftop sitting and leaky faucets
We’re at camp this week with the boys so I’m sharing some posts on marriage.
So there might be a few “ouch” moments with this post. There were for me while I was writing it. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
The Bible makes it very clear what it’s like for our spouses to live with someone (specifically a woman) who is contentious.
It is better to live in a desert land Than with a contentious and vexing woman.
It is better to live in a corner of the roof Than in a house shared with a contentious woman.
A constant dripping on a day of steady rain And a contentious woman are alike;
Ouch.
The definition of contention is a struggling together in opposition.
It is so tempting and so easy to be contentious in a marriage. When we were first married, contention came easy to me. I have a strong personality and I like to get my way. Really, I don’t know of anyone who doesn’t like to get their own way. And when we don’t, we pout, we make sure everyone around us knows that we’re not happy with the way things are. Especially our spouse. We will struggle in opposition until we get our way or we give up, or they do.
Marriage isn’t about getting our way, but it’s about working together to accomplish common goals. And sometimes that common goal is just to survive the day without yelling.
Being contentious is like being a little kid. We throw a temper tantrum every time we don’t get our way, every time we struggle in opposition of our spouse. Think 2 year old pitching himself on the floor kicking and screaming, that’s you being contentious. (If you don’t have kids yet, I have a 2 year old I can loan you for an hour so you get the idea).
Ouch again.
Wives, I’ve got to tell you, if you’re being contentious to your husband it’s like piling bricks on his back. It makes him shut off. He’s afraid to tell you anything, he’s afraid to be open with you. He’s afraid you’ll use it against him later, when it’s time for another tantrum.
Double ouch.
The Bible says it’s better for him to walk in the wilderness than be with a contentious woman. It’s better for him to live on the corner of the roof than share a house with you. You’re like a dripping faucet. Drip drip drip. Brick brick brick.
So how do we keep from being contentious?
1. Be realistic with your expectations. I’ve said it before and I’m going to say it again…Contrary to what you see on TV, men can’t read minds. You have to tell him what you want and need. But at the same time don’t expect him to rescue you from everything either. Additionally, I don’t know many guys who come into a marriage with an unending supply of money. One of the biggest areas of contention when we were first married was that I wanted to live at the same level I had been when I was living at home. I didn’t want to have “hand me down” furniture, a small house or a beater of a car. I was delighted when we were able to buy the farm I grew up on, but was upset when Kerry wasn’t making enough money for me to stay home full time and make the payments. I was contentious. But my expectations weren’t realistic. I put brick after brick on his back with my constant complaining and whining about all the stuff I wanted but wasn’t getting.
2. Pray for your spouse daily. Ask God to help show you how you can remove bricks from your husband. God will show you where you can help him and how you can be a soothing balm of joy and contentment for him.
3. Don’t compare yourself or your marriage to anyone elses. Our society has taught us to “keep up with the Joneses” We need a bigger better car, house, new furniture or clothes to compete. Build a relationship with each other instead. Be willing to live with a little less so you can love a little more.
4. Be content. I mean really…be content. 1 Timothy 6:6 says “But godliness actually is a means of great gain when accompanied by contentment.” Be thankful for what you have and what you’ve been given. Don’t constantly be asking, begging or whining for more when your spouse is already working hard to make ends meet. I learned to be content over time. It took longer than Kerry probably would have liked. I have learned to be content with the beater car (actually we call it a hoopty bus), and the second hand furniture (we have a white fur couch that was in Kerry’s grandma’s house) and a smaller house. There are still things I desire. I long to be home full time and I long to live in the country. Kerry knows the desires of my heart and although I talk about the from time to time, I don’t nag him, I don’t throw a fit and I don’t stack bricks. I am content for the time being. Some days it takes more effort than I’d like to admit to not remind him, but I know he’s working hard and if he could give me those things he would.
5. Quit nagging. You may have picked up on this one already, but it bears repeating. Don’t bring up that “stuff” you want or the things that drive you nuts over and over again. And especially don’t bring it up in front of others and make your husband feel inadequate in front of them. Don’t even joke about it. For example, I would bring up things that I wanted or thought I needed in front of Kerry’s family and my family when we were first married. I’d say things like “well I’d really like…but Kerry keeps telling me no.” (can you say temper tantrum?) I’d remind him every chance I got. Drip drip drip. My nagging didn’t make him want to work any harder to give me what I was asking or wanted. (Although it did make him want to go to work…just to get away from my nagging) He knew that there would be another request right behind it. It didn’t make him delight in my presence and our home wasn’t a peaceful place to be.
I’ve done a lot of growing in the 10 years we’ve been married. It’s by the grace of God that we have made it this far. We’ve both learned things about communication and living together without someone feeling like the faucet is leaking again
I challenge you this week, if there is something you’ve been contentious about…drop it. Don’t say anything about it this week. Don’t dig at your spouse with the things you’re not getting. Praise him for the things he does give you and the things he provides. If he wipes the table after dinner, thank him…don’t remind him that you want a bigger table. If he fills the car up with gas for you, praise him…don’t remind him about how the neighbors just got a new car. When he gets paid this week, appreciate him for the fact that he’s working for your family. Don’t nag him to talk to his boss for a raise or to change jobs because then he’d bring home so much more money.
You get the idea…Don’t make him wish he lived on the roof or in the wilderness.
Leave and Cleave – Chitter Chatter
We’re at camp this week with the boys so I’m sharing some posts on marriage.
Communication. It’s so vital to the health of a marriage. But it’s often overlooked and taken for granted. Now women by nature are typically talkers. We like to talk out all the options of a scenario and possible outcomes. We like to know what our husband is thinking. We ask questions like “what do you think about…” or “so tell me…” We are whole story people, we want the whole story, little details and all the stuff from beginning to end.
Men on the other hand, typically are short answer kind of folk. Quick to the point. Short story, strictly need to know kind of information.
This can cause some (okay, a lot) of conflict in a marriage. First I have to say this to the ladies…life is not a romantic comedy. Our husbands can’t read our minds and really things rarely play out like they did in “how to lose a guy in 10 days”. Most of the time if you tell them that you’re okay, he believe you. Unless you use that tone that says…”buddy you should know what’s wrong” that strikes fear into his heart. He’ll spend the rest of the day trying to figure out why he’s in the dog house. So don’t expect him to read your mind. Tell him. You love to talk…don’t clam up and expect him to suddenly become telepathic about the stuff that is really important to you.
Guys…your wife wants you to talk to her. She wants you to tell her what you’re thinking and then she wants to verbally process it with you. It’s unnatural for you. I know. But try to give her more than just “it’s okay” or “fine” when she asks you a question. Communicate…it’s one of the ways she knows that you’re paying attention to her, that you care and that you love her.
Here are some general guidelines for communicating with your spouse…
1. Shut your phone off. Don’t facebook, tweet, check your email or otherwise send the message that you’re not really paying attention. (I have been known to try to do all of these while carrying on a conversation with Kerry…it did not go well.)
2. Don’t roll your eyes, sigh, cross your arms etc. Again this says “I don’t really want to be here”.
3. Say something back. Seriously. If you’re listening to someone…say something back to them to let them know that you at least kind of understand what they’re talking about. Even if you say “I have to think about it for a minute”
4. Don’t interrupt. If your spouse can’t read minds…you can’t either. Let them finish their sentence.
5. Be willing to postpone the conversation if you need to. In our house full of 4 boys, we will sometimes have to put our discussion on hold so that we can attend to whatever emergency (diaper change, tantrum, fight or whatever) is at hand. One of our favorite authors has a policy in his house… when mom and dad need time together they tell the kids they’re taking a break. They shut their bedroom door and have time alone to talk, nap or do whatever married couples do when they’re alone. 🙂 The kids know that only in dire emergencies are they allowed to interrupt. Now, this wouldn’t work on our house Our kids are still too young yet, but it’s certainly a great idea.
6. Sometimes silence (gasp!) is okay…for a bit. Other times it means that your spouse has fallen asleep. Silence is helpful to collect your thoughts and formulate a response. But I’m telling you…I only give Kerry about 30 seconds before I start nudging his leg to make sure he’s still awake. Which brings me to my next point…
7. Don’t save big topics (or in some cases any topic) for right before bed. Your husband is tired. Once the lights go out I have about 2 minutes max to say good night to my husband. Now is not the time for me to bring up discipline issues, job conflicts, having another baby (no that’s not an announcement) or whether we should move again. I’ll get irritated that he falls asleep and the poor guy has no idea what hit him when the pillow comes flying across the bed.
8. Keep your personalities in mind. One of the most helpful things we did in our marriage counseling was take a little questionnaire. To be honest the biggest take away I have from this survey was that our personalities are very different. I typically answer questions with either strongly agree/strongly disagree, while Kerry answers them with agree/disagree or neutral (I’m rarely neutral on anything). Eventhough we answered questions similarly, I almost always picked the strongly option. Early in our marriage this proved to be huge. I tend to get excited and worked up about things quickly. I wanted Kerry to do the same. When he would respond calmly or would take time to think about stuff (this is a great quality as I tend to make pretty snap decisions) I would get irritated and interpret it as lack of caring or that he wasn’t paying attention. Sometimes your spouse might need to take time to let it sink in.
9. Be respectful but be honest. This goes without saying I think, but sometimes it’s helpful to have a reminder. Be nice and tell the truth. 🙂
I would encourage you this week to think about how you speak with and to your spouse. Communication isn’t just about conveying ideas. It’s about connecting. It’s about meeting the needs of your marriage and building your relationship.
Leave and Cleave Part 2
We’re at camp this week with the boys so I’m sharing some posts on marriage.
Genesis 2:23-24 (King James Version)
23And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.
24Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
I have talked about leaving and why it’s important as a wife, this week I want to talk about the cleave part.
I just kind of thought that cleave meant you just stuck with your man. You were part of him (because you’re one flesh now) so you’re stuck together.
Strong’s Concordance says this “abide fast, cleave fast together, follow close hard after, be joined together. A primitive root; properly, to impinge, i.e. Cling or adhere; figuratively, to catch by pursuit — abide fast, cleave (fast together), follow close (hard after), be joined (together), keep (fast), overtake, pursue hard, stick, take.”
Let’s pick out a few key words there…follow close hard after, cling, adhere, catch by pursuit, pursue hard. Ladies, this means that we don’t just stand by our man, but we continue to pursue him. We continue to cling to him, we work to develop that oneness and that relationship. We’re not just “stuck like glue” (love that song by Sugarland) to our husband. We’re hanging on, we’re continuing to hold fast to him. It is a conscious choice, it requires activity and effort on our part. We’re not just “there” we are an active participant.
Now I have to say this first…cleaving to our husband doesn’t mean that we can’t be apart from him for one second or that we have to do everything together. I think that’s unhealthy. We’re not smothering the guy, we’re not calling every 2 minutes when he’s at work. But it doesn’t mean we do everything separate either. I know couples who take separate vacations, have separate bank accounts, separate schedules and meet up only in passing. They lead separate lives. This is unhealthy too.
It means girls, that we’re not turning to our best friends, the neighbor or co-workers to form the relationships we should be with our husbands. They are a great support system, but they shouldn’t be where we go first. It should be to God and then our husband.
I can hear it already…There are times when a wife feels like she needs to “just vent” and “have a girls night”. Absolutely. I’ve benefitted from those things myself. But ladies I caution you to be careful what you say and think about your husband during those vent sessions. Remember that we are to respect our husbands and bad mouthing him to others isn’t how we show respect. It also opens us up to fostering negative feelings about him and opens the door for infidelity whether physical or emotional. Our marriages should be a work in progress even when we’ve been married 50 years.
When I think of the word cleave, I think of playdoh. Yep. Playdoh. Have you ever mixed two colors of playdoh together? They stick together, they hold fast, they are one. That’s what cleaving to your husband is like. You’re each unique, but you cleave to one another and become one. The other image I have when I think of cleaving is a kid, wrapped around the leg of someone. Holding on with arms and legs for dear life. For some that’s a negative image, so imagine the playdoh if you have to. The point is this…we are active participants when we cleave to our husbands. We are holding on for dear life.
Our cleaving to the man we marry should come second only to our cleaving to Christ and the cross. We should daily cling to, pursue and adhere to our Heavenly Father. He is where we get our strength and sustenance. God is our first priority and in pursuing Him it makes it easier to pursue our husbands.
My challenge for this week: How can you cleave to your husband this week? How can you pursue him, hold fast to him? Is there some way you can get alone time? Is there a project or something he’s been working on that you can compliment him on, what about working with him? Can you do something together? Even if it’s just the dishes or folding that basket of laundry. I encourage you this week to find a way to strengthen your bond with your husband.
Leave and Cleave — Part I
We’re at camp this week with the boys so I’m sharing some posts on marriage.
Genesis 2:23-24 (King James Version)
23And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.
24Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
While we’re looking at what God has called us to be as women, let’s just start at the beginning shall we? And since you can’t be a wife until you’re married we’ll just go from there…
Leaving…seems easy enough right? But it is sometimes the hardest of all. The marriage relationship was established right from the beginning. When we get married it’s not about playing house or riding off into the sunset with our prince charming. Because just over that first ridge is real life.
Leaving to get married doesn’t mean that we never speak to our families again or that we move out to the middle of nowhere. But leaving means that we, as wives, have a new responsibility and new role. We are now joined to our husband. We are “one flesh”. Our relationship with our husband now becomes our priority relationship. It’s where we turn to first.
I used to think this whole “one flesh” idea meant that I had to let my old self go. It meant that I couldn’t be me, I had to assimilate to him, I had to look like him (well not really), but I had to like what he liked, do what he did, do what he told me to without question (we’ll talk about submission in another post). Guess what, I don’t.
The Hebrew word for flesh is basar. It means by extension, body and kin. Extension… I think immediately of my hands. I think of how my hands look and work differently than my head, but they are an extension of me. They touch and caress my children, they work, they cradle and they love. It’s the same for my relationship with my husband. I don’t have to be the female version of him, but I do need to be an extension of him.
One flesh means that we are parts making up a whole, just as our hands and feet, shoulders, knees and elbows are all parts making up our whole body. We each do different things, but we are one. We are united. We are together. It means that our relationship with our husband is our most important human relationship.
So I have a challenge for you (and myself). I want to challenge you this week to put your husband first. Ask yourself how you can make him your more important human relationship, what can you do to foster that? If it means staying up late or getting up early to have some precious alone time with him…do it.
Next week…Cleaving…and no it’s not another kitchen gadget.
Communication in marriage
Communication. It’s so vital to the health of a marriage. But it’s often overlooked and taken for granted. Now women by nature are typically talkers. We like to talk out all the options of a scenario and possible outcomes. We like to know what our husband is thinking. We ask questions like “what do you think about…” or “so tell me…” We are whole story people, we want the whole story, little details and all the stuff from beginning to end.
Men on the other hand, typically are short answer kind of folk. Quick to the point. Short story, strictly need to know kind of information.
This can cause some (okay, a lot) of conflict in a marriage. First I have to say this to the ladies…life is not a romantic comedy. Our husbands can’t read our minds and really things rarely play out like they did in “how to lose a guy in 10 days”. Most of the time if you tell them that you’re okay, he believe you. Unless you use that tone that says…”buddy you should know what’s wrong” that strikes fear into his heart. He’ll spend the rest of the day trying to figure out why he’s in the dog house. So don’t expect him to read your mind. Tell him. You love to talk…don’t clam up and expect him to suddenly become telepathic about the stuff that is really important to you.
Guys…your wife wants you to talk to her. She wants you to tell her what you’re thinking and then she wants to verbally process it with you. It’s unnatural for you. I know. But try to give her more than just “it’s okay” or “fine” when she asks you a question. Communicate…it’s one of the ways she knows that you’re paying attention to her, that you care and that you love her.
Here are some general guidelines for communicating with your spouse…
1. Shut your phone off. Don’t facebook, tweet, check your email or otherwise send the message that you’re not really paying attention. (I have been known to try to do all of these while carrying on a conversation with Kerry…it did not go well.)
2. Don’t roll your eyes, sigh, cross your arms etc. Again this says “I don’t really want to be here”.
3. Say something back. Seriously. If you’re listening to someone…say something back to them to let them know that you at least kind of understand what they’re talking about. Even if you say “I have to think about it for a minute”
4. Don’t interrupt. If your spouse can’t read minds…you can’t either. Let them finish their sentence.
5. Be willing to postpone the conversation if you need to. In our house full of 4 boys, we will sometimes have to put our discussion on hold so that we can attend to whatever emergency (diaper change, tantrum, fight or whatever) is at hand. One of our favorite authors has a policy in his house… when mom and dad need time together they tell the kids they’re taking a break. They shut their bedroom door and have time alone to talk, nap or do whatever married couples do when they’re alone. 🙂 The kids know that only in dire emergencies are they allowed to interrupt. Now, this wouldn’t work on our house Our kids are still too young yet, but it’s certainly a great idea.
6. Sometimes silence (gasp!) is okay…for a bit. Other times it means that your spouse has fallen asleep. Silence is helpful to collect your thoughts and formulate a response. But I’m telling you…I only give Kerry about 30 seconds before I start nudging his leg to make sure he’s still awake. Which brings me to my next point…
7. Don’t save big topics (or in some cases any topic) for right before bed. Your husband is tired. Once the lights go out I have about 2 minutes max to say good night to my husband. Now is not the time for me to bring up discipline issues, job conflicts, having another baby (no that’s not an announcement) or whether we should move again. I’ll get irritated that he falls asleep and the poor guy has no idea what hit him when the pillow comes flying across the bed.
8. Keep your personalities in mind. One of the most helpful things we did in our marriage counseling was take a little questionnaire. To be honest the biggest take away I have from this survey was that our personalities are very different. I typically answer questions with either strongly agree/strongly disagree, while Kerry answers them with agree/disagree or neutral (I’m rarely neutral on anything). Eventhough we answered questions similarly, I almost always picked the strongly option. Early in our marriage this proved to be huge. I tend to get excited and worked up about things quickly. I wanted Kerry to do the same. When he would respond calmly or would take time to think about stuff (this is a great quality as I tend to make pretty snap decisions) I would get irritated and interpret it as lack of caring or that he wasn’t paying attention. Sometimes your spouse might need to take time to let it sink in.
9. Be respectful but be honest. This goes without saying I think, but sometimes it’s helpful to have a reminder. Be nice and tell the truth. 🙂
I would encourage you this week to think about how you speak with and to your spouse. Communication isn’t just about conveying ideas. It’s about connecting. It’s about meeting the needs of your marriage and building your relationship.
Sacrifice
Being a wife and mother requires sacrifice. We miss out on sleep to tend to children who wake up during the night. We sacrifice comfort to spend that same night sleeping in the recliner because they can’t breathe with stuffy noses. We wash hundreds of loads of laundry and still get the question “Where are my favorite pants?” We often sacrifice hot meals to serve our families and help little ones eat.
But it’s a sacrifice we should make joyfully. It may not be easy, but we are called to respect our husbands and love our children. Are we missing God’s blessing for our lives when we’re so selfish that we fail to be willing to serve our husbands and children?
Society would tell you that we all need a little “me” time and that it’s okay to not want to be with your family, sometimes they even encourage separate vacations. I challenge you though, is that really the type of mother God has called you to be?
We shouldn’t be judging ourselves by someone else’s standard, recommendation or ideal. We should measure ourselves against the standard God has set forth for mothers and wives.
Titus 2: 3-5
3 Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, 4 so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, 5 to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored.
It is important to remember why we are doing what we are doing. It isn’t so we can win a make over or mother of the year award. It isn’t so that we can measure up to the mom or wife next door. It is so “the word of God will not be dishonored” It’s so HE can be glorified by our actions of obedience.
It isn’t easy. I have to ask for forgiveness daily for my shortcomings as a mother and wife. I fall on my knees asking for grace and for God’s love to be shown through me. I have had to go to my children and my husband, more than I would like to admit, and apologize for not being the woman God has called me to be. I am slowly growing, but I fall short so very often.
God created mothers with a specific purpose, when we are obedient to Him we honor HIM, we glorify HIM, we sacrifice for HIM. Being a mother is honorable, not because of us but because of God’s grace. We are blessed to show the love of God to our children and husbands through our actions, our words, our sacrifice. If we play the “martyr” card, and sacrifice…but do it with a sigh or with the wrong motive…we’re seeking glory for ourselves and not to glorify God.
I am so blessed to be a mother. I have learned lessons about forgiveness, love, humbleness and redemption by being a mother. I have grown to see children as the blessings God sees. I have learned to delight in my children, to delight in the sacrifice of motherhood. I have known the ache a mother feels for her children and I know what it is to pray fervently for those children God has entrusted to me. With motherhood, I gained new appreciation for the mothers in my life and the sacrifices and prayers they’ve made on my behalf. More than anything though, God has shown me more opportunity to become the woman He’s called me to be. He has taught me more about sacrifice, service and love than I could have ever imagined.
I am thankful for the gift of motherhood, I am blessed daily to bring honor to God by caring for my children.
I am me
Seems simple enough. To borrow a line from Popeye “I yam what I yam”.
But sometimes it doesn’t feel like it’s enough. As I try to navigate this road of discipleship with my children, homeschooling them and leading them, figuring out how to be a mom and keep my house clean, I sometimes feel like I’m not enough.
I read books, blogs, articles, watch movies to help me try to figure it all out. I get some great ideas, but sometimes I just feel bad. I hear folks talk about how they’re teaching their kids history and I think “I haven’t even really started that yet” or I hear the fun activities they do for unit studies and I can’t help but think “I wish I had the energy/time/imagination to do that stuff with my kids.” And I wonder if I’m failing them. Sure they did fantastic on their required standardized tests this year, but for some reason that doesn’t feel good enough some days.
It is so hard not to compare yourself to every other homeschooling mom, working mom, stay at home mom out there. But you know…I’ll bet there is something undone at their house. I’ll be they have dirty socks under their beds, or maybe there is a fine layer of dust on their book shelf, oooh! or maybe they hide their dirty dishes in their oven when people come to visit. The truth is, as much as we’d like to, no one has it all together. Even the families on the covers of magazines.
I have be concentrating on not being “perfect” but in having realistic expectations for myself, my boys and our home. As much as I would love to have a spotless house…with 4 boys I’ve decided it’s just not going to happen. Truth be told, there are days when I wonder why I even try…and then I see a mouse run across the floor and I remember. I can’t do every cool unit study out there we don’t have time and I don’t have the energy. So for now, we’ll just keep doing what we’re doing (after all it is working).
We’ve made certain things a priority for our family, our home and our boys. Those are the things we focus on and we do the other stuff when we can. We’ll work it all in somewhere. But our priority is not to have them know every little fact about world history before they get to 5th grade.
There are some days that it’s easier said than done. I still walk away some days feeling like I’m missing something and failing some how, but I “yam what I yam” and for right now that has to be enough.
Falling
Psalm 37: 23-24
23 The steps of a man are established by the LORD, And He delights in his way. 24 When he falls, he will not be hurled headlong, Because the LORD is the One who holds his hand.
Isn’t it wonderful to be reminded that our steps are established by the Lord? I tend to be a planner. I like to have my plans laid out for the day, for the week and even better if for the month. In reality, I can plan all I want to but unless my plans are in accordance with God’s will, my plans will be for naught.
God has directed my steps, He has a plan for me. For me, that is incredibly comforting. When I am in charge (or pretend to be) of my own plans, there is always that little fear that maybe I’m making the wrong plan. What if I choose the wrong curriculum for home school? What if we make the wrong job choice? But with God, He has already set a path before me.
But…it’s not always going to be a smooth road.
Did you see verse 24? “When he falls, he will not be hurled”…. When not if. We’re going to fall. Even if God has directed our steps. We’re going to trip while we’re on this journey. Sometimes it will be because we don’t fully trust Him and His will for our lives, so we make a choice that isn’t the best. Sometimes we trip because we allow ourselves to take our eyes off of Him and look around us and begin to fear what the future holds. Sometimes it’s because tragedy has come to our lives and we don’t know how we’ll ever make it through.
I am reminded, as I think of friends who are experiencing difficult times or when I think of the loss of our son Knox, that God doesn’t allow us to be hurled headlong. We will fall. It will hurt. But God is holding our hand. He will help us up. I remember after Knox was born that I felt like I wouldn’t be able to smile again, I wouldn’t be able to engage in life again. I had fallen. But God holding my hand, helped me heal and while I still grieve, I am standing. I am following the steps He has designed for me.
We’re not promised an easy road just because we trust in God. But we are promised that He is guiding our steps and will keep us from being hurled headlong.
