Category: Marriage

Leave and Cleave — Wilderness walking, rooftop sitting and leaky faucets

We’re at camp this week with the boys so I’m sharing some posts on marriage.
So there might be a few “ouch” moments with this post. There were for me while I was writing it. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

The Bible makes it very clear what it’s like for our spouses to live with someone (specifically a woman) who is contentious.

It is better to live in a desert land Than with a contentious and vexing woman.

It is better to live in a corner of the roof Than in a house shared with a contentious woman.

A constant dripping on a day of steady rain And a contentious woman are alike;


Ouch.

The definition of contention is a struggling together in opposition.

It is so tempting and so easy to be contentious in a marriage. When we were first married, contention came easy to me. I have a strong personality and I like to get my way. Really, I don’t know of anyone who doesn’t like to get their own way. And when we don’t, we pout, we make sure everyone around us knows that we’re not happy with the way things are. Especially our spouse. We will struggle in opposition until we get our way or we give up, or they do.

Marriage isn’t about getting our way, but it’s about working together to accomplish common goals. And sometimes that common goal is just to survive the day without yelling.

Being contentious is like being a little kid. We throw a temper tantrum every time we don’t get our way, every time we struggle in opposition of our spouse. Think 2 year old pitching himself on the floor kicking and screaming, that’s you being contentious. (If you don’t have kids yet, I have a 2 year old I can loan you for an hour so you get the idea).

Ouch again.

Wives, I’ve got to tell you, if you’re being contentious to your husband it’s like piling bricks on his back. It makes him shut off. He’s afraid to tell you anything, he’s afraid to be open with you. He’s afraid you’ll use it against him later, when it’s time for another tantrum.

Double ouch.

The Bible says it’s better for him to walk in the wilderness than be with a contentious woman. It’s better for him to live on the corner of the roof than share a house with you. You’re like a dripping faucet. Drip drip drip. Brick brick brick.

So how do we keep from being contentious?

1. Be realistic with your expectations. I’ve said it before and I’m going to say it again…Contrary to what you see on TV, men can’t read minds. You have to tell him what you want and need. But at the same time don’t expect him to rescue you from everything either. Additionally, I don’t know many guys who come into a marriage with an unending supply of money. One of the biggest areas of contention when we were first married was that I wanted to live at the same level I had been when I was living at home. I didn’t want to have “hand me down” furniture, a small house or a beater of a car. I was delighted when we were able to buy the farm I grew up on, but was upset when Kerry wasn’t making enough money for me to stay home full time and make the payments. I was contentious. But my expectations weren’t realistic. I put brick after brick on his back with my constant complaining and whining about all the stuff I wanted but wasn’t getting.

2. Pray for your spouse daily. Ask God to help show you how you can remove bricks from your husband. God will show you where you can help him and how you can be a soothing balm of joy and contentment for him.

3. Don’t compare yourself or your marriage to anyone elses. Our society has taught us to “keep up with the Joneses” We need a bigger better car, house, new furniture or clothes to compete. Build a relationship with each other instead. Be willing to live with a little less so you can love a little more.

4. Be content. I mean really…be content. 1 Timothy 6:6 says “But godliness actually is a means of great gain when accompanied by contentment.” Be thankful for what you have and what you’ve been given. Don’t constantly be asking, begging or whining for more when your spouse is already working hard to make ends meet. I learned to be content over time. It took longer than Kerry probably would have liked. I have learned to be content with the beater car (actually we call it a hoopty bus), and the second hand furniture (we have a white fur couch that was in Kerry’s grandma’s house) and a smaller house. There are still things I desire. I long to be home full time and I long to live in the country. Kerry knows the desires of my heart and although I talk about the from time to time, I don’t nag him, I don’t throw a fit and I don’t stack bricks. I am content for the time being. Some days it takes more effort than I’d like to admit to not remind him, but I know he’s working hard and if he could give me those things he would.

5. Quit nagging. You may have picked up on this one already, but it bears repeating. Don’t bring up that “stuff” you want or the things that drive you nuts over and over again. And especially don’t bring it up in front of others and make your husband feel inadequate in front of them. Don’t even joke about it. For example, I would bring up things that I wanted or thought I needed in front of Kerry’s family and my family when we were first married. I’d say things like “well I’d really like…but Kerry keeps telling me no.” (can you say temper tantrum?) I’d remind him every chance I got. Drip drip drip. My nagging didn’t make him want to work any harder to give me what I was asking or wanted. (Although it did make him want to go to work…just to get away from my nagging) He knew that there would be another request right behind it. It didn’t make him delight in my presence and our home wasn’t a peaceful place to be.

I’ve done a lot of growing in the 10 years we’ve been married. It’s by the grace of God that we have made it this far. We’ve both learned things about communication and living together without someone feeling like the faucet is leaking again

I challenge you this week, if there is something you’ve been contentious about…drop it. Don’t say anything about it this week. Don’t dig at your spouse with the things you’re not getting. Praise him for the things he does give you and the things he provides. If he wipes the table after dinner, thank him…don’t remind him that you want a bigger table. If he fills the car up with gas for you, praise him…don’t remind him about how the neighbors just got a new car. When he gets paid this week, appreciate him for the fact that he’s working for your family. Don’t nag him to talk to his boss for a raise or to change jobs because then he’d bring home so much more money.

You get the idea…Don’t make him wish he lived on the roof or in the wilderness.

Leave and Cleave – Chitter Chatter

We’re at camp this week with the boys so I’m sharing some posts on marriage.
Communication. It’s so vital to the health of a marriage. But it’s often overlooked and taken for granted. Now women by nature are typically talkers. We like to talk out all the options of a scenario and possible outcomes. We like to know what our husband is thinking. We ask questions like “what do you think about…” or “so tell me…” We are whole story people, we want the whole story, little details and all the stuff from beginning to end.
Men on the other hand, typically are short answer kind of folk. Quick to the point. Short story, strictly need to know kind of information.
This can cause some (okay, a lot) of conflict in a marriage. First I have to say this to the ladies…life is not a romantic comedy. Our husbands can’t read our minds and really things rarely play out like they did in “how to lose a guy in 10 days”. Most of the time if you tell them that you’re okay, he believe you. Unless you use that tone that says…”buddy you should know what’s wrong” that strikes fear into his heart. He’ll spend the rest of the day trying to figure out why he’s in the dog house. So don’t expect him to read your mind. Tell him. You love to talk…don’t clam up and expect him to suddenly become telepathic about the stuff that is really important to you.
Guys…your wife wants you to talk to her. She wants you to tell her what you’re thinking and then she wants to verbally process it with you. It’s unnatural for you. I know. But try to give her more than just “it’s okay” or “fine” when she asks you a question. Communicate…it’s one of the ways she knows that you’re paying attention to her, that you care and that you love her.
Here are some general guidelines for communicating with your spouse…
1. Shut your phone off. Don’t facebook, tweet, check your email or otherwise send the message that you’re not really paying attention. (I have been known to try to do all of these while carrying on a conversation with Kerry…it did not go well.)
2. Don’t roll your eyes, sigh, cross your arms etc. Again this says “I don’t really want to be here”.
3. Say something back. Seriously. If you’re listening to someone…say something back to them to let them know that you at least kind of understand what they’re talking about. Even if you say “I have to think about it for a minute”
4. Don’t interrupt. If your spouse can’t read minds…you can’t either. Let them finish their sentence.
5. Be willing to postpone the conversation if you need to. In our house full of 4 boys, we will sometimes have to put our discussion on hold so that we can attend to whatever emergency (diaper change, tantrum, fight or whatever) is at hand. One of our favorite authors has a policy in his house… when mom and dad need time together they tell the kids they’re taking a break. They shut their bedroom door and have time alone to talk, nap or do whatever married couples do when they’re alone. 🙂 The kids know that only in dire emergencies are they allowed to interrupt. Now, this wouldn’t work on our house Our kids are still too young yet, but it’s certainly a great idea.
6. Sometimes silence (gasp!) is okay…for a bit. Other times it means that your spouse has fallen asleep. Silence is helpful to collect your thoughts and formulate a response. But I’m telling you…I only give Kerry about 30 seconds before I start nudging his leg to make sure he’s still awake. Which brings me to my next point…
7. Don’t save big topics (or in some cases any topic) for right before bed. Your husband is tired. Once the lights go out I have about 2 minutes max to say good night to my husband. Now is not the time for me to bring up discipline issues, job conflicts, having another baby (no that’s not an announcement) or whether we should move again. I’ll get irritated that he falls asleep and the poor guy has no idea what hit him when the pillow comes flying across the bed.
8. Keep your personalities in mind. One of the most helpful things we did in our marriage counseling was take  a little questionnaire. To be honest the biggest take away I have from this survey was that our personalities are very different. I typically answer questions with either strongly agree/strongly disagree, while Kerry answers them with agree/disagree or neutral (I’m rarely neutral on anything). Eventhough we answered questions similarly, I almost always picked the strongly option. Early in our marriage this proved to be huge. I tend to get excited and worked up about things quickly. I wanted Kerry to do the same. When he would respond calmly or would take time to think about stuff (this is a great quality as I tend to make pretty snap decisions) I would get irritated and interpret it as lack of caring or that he wasn’t paying attention. Sometimes your spouse might need to take time to let it sink in.
9. Be respectful but be honest. This goes without saying I think, but sometimes it’s helpful to have a reminder. Be nice and tell the truth. 🙂
I would encourage you this week to think about how you speak with and to your spouse. Communication isn’t just about conveying ideas. It’s about connecting. It’s about meeting the needs  of your marriage and building your relationship.

Leave and Cleave Part 2

We’re at camp this week with the boys so I’m sharing some posts on marriage.

 

Genesis 2:23-24 (King James Version)

23And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.

24Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.


I have talked about leaving and why it’s important as a wife, this week I want to talk about the cleave part.

I just kind of thought that cleave meant you just stuck with your man. You were part of him (because you’re one flesh now) so you’re stuck together.

Strong’s Concordance says this “abide fast, cleave fast together, follow close hard after, be joined together. A primitive root; properly, to impinge, i.e. Cling or adhere; figuratively, to catch by pursuit — abide fast, cleave (fast together), follow close (hard after), be joined (together), keep (fast), overtake, pursue hard, stick, take.”

Let’s pick out a few key words there…follow close hard after, cling, adhere, catch by pursuit, pursue hard. Ladies, this means that we don’t just stand by our man, but we continue to pursue him. We continue to cling to him, we work to develop that oneness and that relationship. We’re not just “stuck like glue” (love that song by Sugarland) to our husband. We’re hanging on, we’re continuing to hold fast to him. It is a conscious choice, it requires activity and effort on our part. We’re not just “there” we are an active participant.

Now I have to say this first…cleaving to our husband doesn’t mean that we can’t be apart from him for one second or that we have to do everything together. I think that’s unhealthy. We’re not smothering the guy, we’re not calling every 2 minutes when he’s at work. But it doesn’t mean we do everything separate either. I know couples who take separate vacations, have separate bank accounts, separate schedules and meet up only in passing. They lead separate lives. This is unhealthy too.

It means girls, that we’re not turning to our best friends, the neighbor or co-workers to form the relationships we should be with our husbands. They are a great support system, but they shouldn’t be where we go first. It should be to God and then our husband.

I can hear it already…There are times when a wife feels like she needs to “just vent” and “have a girls night”. Absolutely. I’ve benefitted from those things myself. But ladies I caution you to be careful what you say and think about your husband during those vent sessions. Remember that we are to respect our husbands and bad mouthing him to others isn’t how we show respect. It also opens us up to fostering negative feelings about him and opens the door for infidelity whether physical or emotional. Our marriages should be a work in progress even when we’ve been married 50 years.

When I think of the word cleave, I think of playdoh. Yep. Playdoh. Have you ever mixed two colors of playdoh together? They stick together, they hold fast, they are one. That’s what cleaving to your husband is like. You’re each unique, but you cleave to one another and become one. The other image I have when I think of cleaving is a kid, wrapped around the leg of someone. Holding on with arms and legs for dear life. For some that’s a negative image, so imagine the playdoh if you have to. The point is this…we are active participants when we cleave to our husbands. We are holding on for dear life.

Our cleaving to the man we marry should come second only to our cleaving to Christ and the cross. We should daily cling to, pursue and adhere to our Heavenly Father. He is where we get our strength and sustenance. God is our first priority and in pursuing Him it makes it easier to pursue our husbands.

My challenge for this week: How can you cleave to your husband this week? How can you pursue him, hold fast to him? Is there some way you can get alone time? Is there a project or something he’s been working on that you can compliment him on, what about working with him? Can you do something together? Even if it’s just the dishes or folding that basket of laundry. I encourage you this week to find a way to strengthen your bond with your husband.

Leave and Cleave — Part I

We’re at camp this week with the boys so I’m sharing some posts on marriage.

 

Genesis 2:23-24 (King James Version)

23And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.

24Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

 

While we’re looking at what God has called us to be as women, let’s just start at the beginning shall we? And since you can’t be a wife until you’re married we’ll just go from there…

 

Leaving…seems easy enough right? But it is sometimes the hardest of all. The marriage relationship was established right from the beginning. When we get married it’s not about playing house or riding off into the sunset with our prince charming. Because just over that first ridge is real life.

 

Leaving to get married doesn’t mean that we never speak to our families again or that we move out to the middle of nowhere. But leaving means that we, as wives, have a new responsibility and new role. We are now joined to our husband. We are “one flesh”. Our relationship with our husband now becomes our priority relationship. It’s where we turn to first.

 

I used to think this whole “one flesh” idea meant that I had to let my old self go. It meant that I couldn’t be me, I had to assimilate to him, I had to look like him (well not really), but I had to like what he liked, do what he did, do what he told me to without question (we’ll talk about submission in another post). Guess what, I don’t.

 

The Hebrew word for flesh is basar. It means by extension, body and kin. Extension… I think immediately of my hands. I think of how my hands look and work differently than my head, but they are an extension of me. They touch and caress my children, they work, they cradle and they love. It’s the same for my relationship with my husband. I don’t have to be the female version of him, but I do need to be an extension of him.

 

One flesh means that we are parts making up a whole, just as our hands and feet, shoulders, knees and elbows are all parts making up our whole body. We each do different things, but we are one. We are united. We are together. It means that our relationship with our husband is our most important human relationship.

 

So I have a challenge for you (and myself). I want to challenge you this week to put your husband first. Ask yourself how you can make him your more important human relationship, what can you do to foster that? If it means staying up late or getting up early to have some precious alone time with him…do it.

Next week…Cleaving…and no it’s not another kitchen gadget.

Five Minute Friday — Expectation

Fridays are for writing for five minutes.
Only five minutes.
Stream-of-consciousness style. Like you did when you were in 9th grade.
Write and see what comes out. There’s no right or wrong.
Got 5 minutes? Come and spend them writing <—click to tweet this!

1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. And then absolutely, no ifs, ands or buts about it, you need to visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments. Seriously. That is, like, the rule. And the fun. And the heart of this community..
OK, are you ready? Please give me your best five minutes on:

Expectation…

Prince charming, happily ever after, no arguments, no trouble…wonderful wedded bliss.
Eleven years ago today (June 9) I married my dear husband. We were young (19), in love and full of expectations. I thought we’d settle down, plant some roots and grow our family. Instead, we’ve moved 10 times in the last 11 years (2 of those to the same house). Our current place of residence is the longest we’ve ever stayed in any house…4 whole years! We’ve grown our family, both here on earth and in Heaven.
Instead of planting roots, I’ve come think of us more as a potted plant…easily movable…at home where we are for the moment.
We always joke that we’ve been married for 11 years, 7 of them have been really wonderful. The first few years were filled with unmet, uncommunicated and unrealistic expectations. As we’ve grown we’ve learned to be flexible a bit. Life has a way of making you change your expectations, your focus, your goals and you as a couple.
When I was first married I expected Kerry to be able to “make it all better”, to make up for my inadequacies and failures, to fill holes left behind. I expected him to carry me away and we would live the end of the fairytale. Boy was I stupid!
We are living a fairy tale though. A true to life fairy tale. Filled with twists and turns. Joys, grief, surprises and lessons that we are learning together. Our fairy tale is what has made us the couple we are. Our expectations have changed.
We were told when we were married, by someone who wasn’t crazy about it, that the person you marry when you’re 19 isn’t the same person you’d marry when you’re 26. Well I hope not! I would hope somewhere between 19 and 26 or 36 that you’d grow, you’d change. For us, though, we’ve had the benefit of growing and changing together. Without a doubt, the person I married at 19 isn’t the same man he is today, but it doesn’t matter because we’ve changed together, neither of us is the same we are so very different from who we were 11 years ago, but we are together, we are happy and we are in love.
My expectations for the rest of my married life are to live out our fairy tale together, until death parts us.
A copy of our marriage vows (and we still mean them):

I, Kerry, take you, Erin, to be my wedded wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to understand, till death do us part, according to the design of God in creation and thereto pledge thee my faith.

I, Erin, take you, Kerry, to be my wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to understand, till death do us part, according to the design of God in creation and thereto pledge thee my faith.

 

Communication in marriage

Communication. It’s so vital to the health of a marriage. But it’s often overlooked and taken for granted. Now women by nature are typically talkers. We like to talk out all the options of a scenario and possible outcomes. We like to know what our husband is thinking. We ask questions like “what do you think about…” or “so tell me…” We are whole story people, we want the whole story, little details and all the stuff from beginning to end.
Men on the other hand, typically are short answer kind of folk. Quick to the point. Short story, strictly need to know kind of information.
This can cause some (okay, a lot) of conflict in a marriage. First I have to say this to the ladies…life is not a romantic comedy. Our husbands can’t read our minds and really things rarely play out like they did in “how to lose a guy in 10 days”. Most of the time if you tell them that you’re okay, he believe you. Unless you use that tone that says…”buddy you should know what’s wrong” that strikes fear into his heart. He’ll spend the rest of the day trying to figure out why he’s in the dog house. So don’t expect him to read your mind. Tell him. You love to talk…don’t clam up and expect him to suddenly become telepathic about the stuff that is really important to you.
Guys…your wife wants you to talk to her. She wants you to tell her what you’re thinking and then she wants to verbally process it with you. It’s unnatural for you. I know. But try to give her more than just “it’s okay” or “fine” when she asks you a question. Communicate…it’s one of the ways she knows that you’re paying attention to her, that you care and that you love her.
Here are some general guidelines for communicating with your spouse…
1. Shut your phone off. Don’t facebook, tweet, check your email or otherwise send the message that you’re not really paying attention. (I have been known to try to do all of these while carrying on a conversation with Kerry…it did not go well.)
2. Don’t roll your eyes, sigh, cross your arms etc. Again this says “I don’t really want to be here”.
3. Say something back. Seriously. If you’re listening to someone…say something back to them to let them know that you at least kind of understand what they’re talking about. Even if you say “I have to think about it for a minute”
4. Don’t interrupt. If your spouse can’t read minds…you can’t either. Let them finish their sentence.
5. Be willing to postpone the conversation if you need to. In our house full of 4 boys, we will sometimes have to put our discussion on hold so that we can attend to whatever emergency (diaper change, tantrum, fight or whatever) is at hand. One of our favorite authors has a policy in his house… when mom and dad need time together they tell the kids they’re taking a break. They shut their bedroom door and have time alone to talk, nap or do whatever married couples do when they’re alone. 🙂 The kids know that only in dire emergencies are they allowed to interrupt. Now, this wouldn’t work on our house Our kids are still too young yet, but it’s certainly a great idea.
6. Sometimes silence (gasp!) is okay…for a bit. Other times it means that your spouse has fallen asleep. Silence is helpful to collect your thoughts and formulate a response. But I’m telling you…I only give Kerry about 30 seconds before I start nudging his leg to make sure he’s still awake. Which brings me to my next point…
7. Don’t save big topics (or in some cases any topic) for right before bed. Your husband is tired. Once the lights go out I have about 2 minutes max to say good night to my husband. Now is not the time for me to bring up discipline issues, job conflicts, having another baby (no that’s not an announcement) or whether we should move again. I’ll get irritated that he falls asleep and the poor guy has no idea what hit him when the pillow comes flying across the bed.
8. Keep your personalities in mind. One of the most helpful things we did in our marriage counseling was take  a little questionnaire. To be honest the biggest take away I have from this survey was that our personalities are very different. I typically answer questions with either strongly agree/strongly disagree, while Kerry answers them with agree/disagree or neutral (I’m rarely neutral on anything). Eventhough we answered questions similarly, I almost always picked the strongly option. Early in our marriage this proved to be huge. I tend to get excited and worked up about things quickly. I wanted Kerry to do the same. When he would respond calmly or would take time to think about stuff (this is a great quality as I tend to make pretty snap decisions) I would get irritated and interpret it as lack of caring or that he wasn’t paying attention. Sometimes your spouse might need to take time to let it sink in.
9. Be respectful but be honest. This goes without saying I think, but sometimes it’s helpful to have a reminder. Be nice and tell the truth. 🙂
I would encourage you this week to think about how you speak with and to your spouse. Communication isn’t just about conveying ideas. It’s about connecting. It’s about meeting the needs  of your marriage and building your relationship.
 

Stuff your husband needs to hear and we don't

Loving husbands is hard. But I would bet so is loving wives. We are called to respect our husbands. I posted about respecting our husbands in my leave and cleave posts.

I have been so disappointed to see and hear the way young ladies and wives treat their husbands. When we talk to our sons about choosing a wife (yes we do and they’re only 7 and 9), we encourage them to watch how their perspective bride talks to the men in her life. The way she talks to her father or brothers before she’s married is a good indication of how she’ll talk to her husband when she’s married.

Ephesians 5:33 says “However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” (ESV)

Please notice that it doesn’t say “respect him when he earns it” or “respect him only if he makes you feel loved”. It says respect him. So many women today are bent on making their husbands earn the respect, but I’ll tell you ladies…I wouldn’t want to wait to feel loved until he decided I was lovable. Because some days, quite frankly, I’m not.

After hearing yet another young wife berate her husband in public, I decided to write a list of things you should say to your husband, boyfriend, fiance’ and in some cases even your father. Remember, you’re practicing submission and respect while you’re still living at home.

Say:
“I’m so thankful you can do                                  well”

Don’t say:
“You never do anything right.”

Say:
“Thank you for doing                                     today. It really helped a lot”

Don’t say:
“Did you get                         done today?” or “Why didn’t                        get done?”

Say:
“I’m so blessed to have a husband/father/son/ etc like you”

Don’t say:
“Ugh! You’ve got to be kidding me!”

Say:
“What can I do for you today?”

Don’t say:
“I don’t have time to do that.”

Say (to others about him):
“Isn’t he great at                               ?” or “I don’t know what I’d do without him”

Don’t say:
“He always does                      ” or “I hate it when he                                .


I encourage you this week to try to say things that will build up the man in your life. Say them to his face and in front of others. Let him know that you really mean it, make a choice to respect him and show him that respect. Serve him, don’t look to him to serve you all the time. Remember when you say negative things about your husband to others and then you forgive him…they rarely do. All they remember are the negative things you’ve said and they’re going to have a negative impression of him when you reconcile.

Something else to remember ladies…you wouldn’t want your husband/father airing all your faults and short comings to his friends, co-workers and random people in public. So don’t do it to him. We all have faults and none of us like them being advertised to others. You may think you’re “just venting” or letting off steam, but you’re disrespecting your husband/father. I have been on the receiving end of women who unloaded to me about their husbands/fathers…I promise you it wasn’t him that I had the poor impression of.


Remember to respect your man, show him and others that you respect him. You expect him to love you so you respect him. 

Why I still feel Blessed – My Husband


In closing out this year and some of my “why I still feel blessed” posts, I have to talk about the blessing of my husband. When Kerry and I started dating (14 years ago!), I don’t think anyone believe it at first. In fact, I distinctly remember having several people ask me if I was really dating Kerry Rosfeld (and I know there were those who asked him the same thing). We were, and still are in a lot of ways, opposites. Kerry was quiet and shy, I wasn’t. At. All. But here we are after over 10 years of marriage and we couldn’t be better matched. I am so thankful for God’s grace in giving me the husband He has. We may be opposite in a lot of ways, but we complement each other well.


The night we found out that Knox had died, I was so devastated. The girl doing our sonogram didn’t have children and while she was trying to be helpful said “At least you have 4 boys at home” as she told us goodbye. Kerry squeezed my hand tighter and without saying a word let me know he understood. He held me in the lobby of the hospital while I sobbed before we walked together, crying, to the car. He prayed with me in the parking garage before we went home to tell the boys.
Until that night I don’t think I’ve ever seen my husband cry. Not that he’s un-emotional, he just doesn’t cry. I’ve seen him stare in awe at our children after they’ve been born. I’ve seen him get a little shaky after each one and have to sit down…not because he gets grossed out, but because the gravity of the whole “we have another baby and how amazing is this little creation” thing hits and he sits down to take it all in. But he cried the night we lost Knox.
He cried the night he was born, he grieved the loss of his son. It moved me. It reminded me just how much he loves each one of our children before they’re ever born, before he can even feel them move. As a L&D nurse I can’t tell you how rare it is for dad’s to have that “buy in” to their babies before they’re born. But my husband loves each of our children from the day he finds out they’re coming, and I am so blessed by that.
He made difficult phone calls to tell loved ones and friends the journey that lay ahead. It wasn’t easy for him, but he did it because he loves me and he knew that I would never be able to do it. He didn’t have the words to describe how we were feeling or what was happening, but he asked for prayer and told our story.
He reached for my hand every time someone would walk into our room while I was in the hospital. We were occasionally asked by an unknowing person if we were excited about our new baby or if we knew if it was a boy or girl, Kerry would squeeze my hand and then hold me as I broke into tears when that person left. (I didn’t have the heart to tell those people why we were being induced so I didn’t…I just said we didn’t know and we were a little nervous about the induction). Kerry asked the nurse for a sign for our door to let staff know we had a loss so that I didn’t have to answer questions…he was my advocate.
When I was being induced, Kerry was my rock. He helped me labor during the induction. I wanted to avoid pain medication because I wanted to be as aware as possible of the things going on around me and when the baby came I didn’t want to be drugged. So I labored and Kerry supported me, he rubbed my back, he held my hand and he let me lean on him. He took notes about the events of the day, just like he has on every other day we welcomed a child into our family.
When Knox was born, I was nervous about how it would affect Kerry to be honest. Because I worked in labor and delivery I had seen babies born at 15 weeks before, I knew from a nursing stand point what was going to happen and what to expect. I can’t imagine going through that for the first time with the baby being your child. Kerry asked questions throughout the process, and when Knox was born…Kerry reached for him to hold him. He marveled at Knox, he counted his fingers and toes (and looked for the family trademark bent pinky that all of our boys have), just like he had for all of our other children. I was so blessed to see him cherish our son. Not that I expected anything else from the man I married, but it was such a blessing to me. The pictures we have from that night are so special, Kerry took some of them, but the ones I love the most are the ones of him holding Knox. The look of love for Knox on Kerry’s face is priceless to me. I have been blessed by a husband who loves me and loves our children.
I have been blessed by a husband who I can be totally honest with. I could be completely vulnerable with my emotions and I knew that even when he didn’t know what to say he’d listen. I am a verbal processor, so I needed to do a lot of talking and still do about the whole process. Kerry listens so well. But even more than that, he is able to talk to me too. He’s not afraid to let me know what he’s thinking or how he’s doing emotionally. I’m so thankful I don’t have to pry or worse yet…wonder.
I have been blessed by a husband to ministers to me spiritually. He prayed with me, read scripture to me and helped me find hope in a tough situation. When he was explaining to our boys what happened and about the events that took place in the hospital, Kerry continually turned back to scriptures. He used this difficult situation to show our boys the sufficiency of scripture for our everyday lives. I have heard Kerry pray with our children about healing our hearts and my body, they have thanked God for the doctor who cared for me, they have prayed for more children. I am so thankful for his godly leadership and the example he shows our children.
I have thanked God numerous times for bringing Kerry and I together. God has carried us as a couple through the loss of a child. He has used Kerry to bless me, to remind me of His love, to remind me of His grace. While we may be opposites in a lot of ways, we are a perfect fit and I am so thankful for the man God gave me to spend the rest of my life with.

Who says?

I tend to set really high goals for myself and others around me. When I start to feel stressed or out of control, I have the tendency to try to find a better “system” to get it all done. I feel the urge to organize better so that I can be more in control of the chaos around me. I want to be able to do it all, and do it really well. But who says I have to?

I’ve got a couple of favorite blogs I read on a fairly regular basis. They’re written by some really great ladies who have bigger families than I do and they have a pretty similar world view to what we have. I enjoy them and a lot of times they give me some great stuff to ponder and implement in my family. Recently on a blog post an author included her weekly family meal menu and shopping list. I thought I’d take a gander and see what other people plan and eat. (I love food you know). Here is what she feeds her family for breakfast, lunch and dinner…
BREAKFAST
Pancakes
Eggs & Sausage
Waffles
Baked Oatmeal
Cocoa & Toast or Cereal
Smoothies
Oven Pancake & Fruit
LUNCH
Sandwiches & Chips
Grilled Cheese & Tomato Soup
Taco Salad
Spaghetti & Corn
Hot Dogs & Cheese Slices
Hamburgers & Chips
Quiche & Peas
DINNER
Chili & Corn Bread or Cinnamon Rolls
Homemade or Frozen Pizza & Salad
Crock Pot Roast & Potatoes & Green Beans
Fajitas & Rice
Potato Soup & Breadsticks
Sloppy Joes & Chips
I read this list and started to feel guilty. My kids get a choice for breakfast…cold cereal, instant oatmeal, toast, or if we have pumpkin or banana bread they can have that. Occasionally they can have Oreos. For lunch it’s left overs, PB&J or something else equally as easy. Dinner I usually cook a decent dinner. But seriously. I started to feel like I was failing my kids. I don’t give them a hot breakfast every morning and I certainly don’t make pancakes or eggs and sausage. I don’t whip up a fancy lunch either. What if I’m failing their little minds and their tummies by feeding them what’s easy and doable?
But then I got a bit of a reality check. Who says I have to make a fancy breakfast or lunch to be a good mom? Who says that my kids will only thrive if I spend my days in the kitchen instead of playing with them or helping them learn in school? Who says I have to do what other moms (who apparently have way more time, energy or help than I do) do? It’s self imposed really. There are times when I have to tell myself “who says”.
I mean, even in the Bible when it talks about women being keepers of the home, it doesn’t say “thou shalt not have dirty floors” or “thou shalt makest thy children gourmet meals”. Although that whole Proverbs 31 woman sounds pretty stellar. Although when you break it down, the woman in Proverbs 31 boils down to this…she’s trustworthy and her husband is okay with her running the household (v 10, 11), she’s frugal (v 13), she feeds her family (v 15), she thinks ahead (v 21), she helps the poor (v 20), she exercises (v 17), she is diligent in her work and brings in money (v 24), she’s wise and kind (v 26), and she’s not lazy (v 27). The other things…hot breakfasts, spotless houses, perfect children in matching clothes (I don’t do this by the way) and floors so clean you can eat off of…that’s all self imposed. It’s this imaginary standard that we all try to live up to, but we never make. My house is clean enough to be healthy, but dirty enough to be happy. My kids don’t get fancy breakfasts or lunch, but they’re not hungry and they seem to grow just fine.
So who says it has to look like “Leave it to Beaver”? Who says that anything other than what we’re doing now is better?
I should say this…if you’re one of those moms who CAN do it all and make your kids these really fantastic meals and keeps your house spotless…more power to you! Nothing wrong with that, but know that when you come to visit my house…you may need to lower your expectations just a bit.

Leave and Cleave : Respect – Heart matters

Respect begins in the heart.

Proverbs 4:23

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

23 Watch over your heart with all diligence,
For from it flow the springs of life.

The thoughts we have about our husband overflow into our “real life” and into our actions, our words and our relationships. Respect for our husbands is no different. If we don’t respect him in our hearts, we’re not going to be able to fool anyone into believing that we respect him either.

What if he hasn’t done anything worthy of respect? I can hear the indignant questions from angry wives everywhere. My husband doesn’t deserve my respect. My first question to those women is “what have you done worthy of his love?” I hate to tell you ladies (and myself sometimes) that nowhere does it say to “wait until he deserves it to show him respect” We’re supposed to do it right out of the shoot. Our husbands will answer to God for their actions and choices, we don’t get to say when he’s “good enough”.

Second, I would suggest that we should respect our husbands not because he is *worthy* of our respect, but because we are commanded by God to respect him. Who is your master? Whom are you serving when you’re respectful and obedient to your husband (I’ll give you a clue…it’s not your husband).

Very few human beings aren’t worthy of at least some respect.

I would also encourage you to examine by whose standard are you judging your husband and his worthiness? Are you looking to the world to tell you how a many “earns” respect or are you looking at the biblical standard of what a husband is to be?

One of the first ways we can begin to show respect and be respectful in our hearts is to stop trying to control our husbands. Stop trying to make him fit into a mold that the world tells us he should fit in to. Stop trying to “reform” him.

Many ladies I know seem to think that the man they were dating will magically change to the man they want them to be after the wedding. You know what? Same guy. The best we can do is to grow with our husbands, mature with them. And we can help him grow, we can share our ideas and thoughts with him, but we shouldn’t be critical of his every move and decision.

Our hearts are where respect for our husbands begin. It’s like planting a seed. If we can plant one or two seeds of respect there and nurture them they will spill over into the other areas of our lives.

I encourage you this week to find one or two things you can respect about your husband. You don’t have to say anything to him about those things if you don’t want to. But begin and end each day praising him in your heart. Praise God for those things about your husband. When you want to just smack your man upside the head or roll your eyes at him or say something hurtful…stop. Think about your “respect seeds” start cultivating that attitude towards him from the roots up.