family – Fillingquiver

Picky picky

I have picky eaters in my family. In fact, as we speak one of my older children has been sitting at the table for the last hour and half trying to choke down his dinner. I’m at a loss. I don’t want to raise my children to be ungrateful for the food they’ve been given or to be wasteful. We want them to be appreciative of the person making the food. But this is the second time this week we’ve had this struggle.

We have tried a number of strategies when it comes to eating. We’ve tried taking away snack and dessert after supper if you don’t finish, or at the very least eat as many bites as you are years old. We’ve tried taking away privileges, or sitting at the table until said amount has been eaten, there were nights we sat at the table until bedtime.

So for the last year or so we’ve had a “veto” rule in our house. Every member gets one veto food. That means they don’t have to eat it if mom makes it. They don’t get to complain about how it smells, or that they hate it, or that everyone else is eating it and it’s grossing them out. They just don’t have to eat it. The veto food can’t change, except for once a year on their birthday. Otherwise, we’d have a new veto food every week. Our current veto foods are Mom: Carrots (I was made to eat them as a child, but have never liked them, I do eat them once a year just to make sure). Gabe: Green beans, Otto: Verenika, Zeke : Onions (although he’ll eat them if he doesn’t know they’re in something), Titus: We haven’t found anything he won’t really eat yet. Dad eats everything even if he doesn’t like it so he doesn’t have a veto food.

The veto system has cut down on the number of struggles we have at dinner time about what to eat and the expectations when we’re eating, BUT it hasn’t ended them completely.

For the record we don’t make them eat everything on their plates, at minimum they eat as many bites as they are years old and I don’t make wild exotic foods that no one would like. I make regular stuff like fajitas, stir fry, chicken casseroles and grilled cheese.

I don’t want them to be served a dinner that someone (me, dad, grandma or future wife etc) worked hard to prepare and turn their nose up at it and then ask for a peanut butter sandwich. Not only that but I don’t want to raise a kid who only eats 3 foods by the time they’re 20. I mean seriously did you see the article about the girl who only eats chicken nuggets?

I also don’t do the “if they don’t eat they go hungry” stuff either. Something about it just doesn’t sit right with me.”They” say you have to introduce foods 21 times before kids acquire a taste for them. But I’m not sure I believe “them”. I’m really not sure what the solution is here or even if there is one.

So what are your solutions for picky eaters? I need suggestions.

Why I still feel blessed — Children

I am blessed with 4 wonderful boys here on earth and 1 sonin Heaven. For that we are thankful. Enough said right? It would be so easy forsomeone who talks as much as I do. J

Losing Knox has reminded us just how blessed we are, to experiencethe joy of children here on earth and also the anticipation of being reunited withones we never got to see grow up here on earth.

I think having our 4 boys has made grieving the death ofKnox easier. They have helped keep me from being swallowed by grief, but alsoin their childlike ways have helped me see the other side of losing a child,the hope that often follows such a difficult time. In explaining what happenedwith Knox to the boys we were also able to explain the hope that we find in God’spromises and why we can look forward to meeting Knox when we die. We have had theopportunity to talk about God’s promises for those who honor Him.

We have also talked about the hope of having more children. Zekehas been the hardest to explain the loss to. He and Otto had been praying for ababy (a sister specifically) since August. The boys were so excited about a newbaby and delighted to hear what their new sibling was doing in my womb, whatwas growing and developing, how big he was getting and what he might look like.Zeke would always pull out the measuring tape to see how big the baby wasgetting. When we talk about Knox now, Zeke shakes his head and says “baby…no…inHeaven” and we say “yes, the baby is in Heaven…won’t it be great when we get tosee him someday?” Zeke, then says “yeah…baby…another baby…” and points to mystomach. He prays daily for “another baby” when we pray at meal time or duringour Bible time. We always respond with “yes, if it’s God’s will we will haveanother baby.”

One of the things I have been reminded of is how preciousour wonderful children are, and how precious little time we have with them. Godhas numbered each of our days, we don’t know how much or how little time wehave with each other. He has numbered our days, even when those days end beforewe are born. .. and even if the Lord allows my children to grow to an old age,they are only in our house for a short period of time, and they are little foreven less time. I need to make sure that I’m spending my time wisely as amother.

I have been blessed by the smiles my children have given meeach day. Titus thinks everything is something to smile about, and it warms myheart every time I look at him and he gives me a cheesy grin. I have beenblessed by the prayers of Otto and Zeke, their prayers for healing for mommyand prayers for more children if it is God’s will. I have been blessed by thehugs from Gabe, he is a young man with few words about the events that havehappened, but he seems to know when I need a hug.

I have been blessed to be reminded to delight in my childrenmore and get frustrated less. I have been blessed to have a reason to get up inthe morning. My children don’t wait for breakfast, even on the days when Iwanted to stay and bed and mourn the loss of Knox.

I feel so blessed to have the children that I do. Knowingthe joy of watching a baby grow and learn is such an awesome joy. There aretimes that it has been bittersweet to think of all the things I’ll misswatching Knox do, but in the same breath I’m so very thankful that I’ve beenable to see those things in the children I have here with me on earth. I can’timagine the pain of a mother who loses child after child before they are bornand to never know the delight of holding her own baby. I am so very thankfulthat while I have known the pain of losing a baby, I have not known the pain ofan empty womb.

I feel so very blessed to have the opportunity to bereminded what a privilege it is to raise children. What an awesomeresponsibility it is to bring them up to love God and love others. It’s like Isee my children in a different light since this happened. Not that I didn’tcherish them before, but somehow it’s different. I am seeing my family in adifferent light, I am blessed to see them through the eyes I was intended tosee them through. Through the eyes of that God intended a mother to have. Forthat I am thankful.

Why I still feel blessed…Friends

In the days that followed Knox’s birth, I was continually reminded of how blessed we are to have friends and family who love us so much. I’m going to be painfully honest here (not that I’m anything less any other time), but in the months prior to losing Knox, Kerry and I felt isolated. Me especially. I’ve never been one to have really close friends that weren’t family, but I was really feeling alone. I just don’t have many friends, especially friends my age. I *knew* I had friends, but I wasn’t sure who I would call if something really bad were to happen or if something really great were to happen. But…

God has used this experience to remind me just how loved and supported we are. The large majority of our family lives in Kansas, and we were thankful some of them were able to come and care for us after we got home from the hospital. Family is so important.

In church circles you often hear fellow church attendees referred to as your “church family”, but in some churches they don’t feel much like family. In our church though, our church family really feels like family. Our lives are inextricably woven together and we are so very blessed to have 2 “families” we are part of.

1 John 3: 17-18 says:

¹⁷ But whoever has the world’s goods, and sees his brother in need and closes his heart against him, how does the love of God abide in him? ¹⁸ Little children, let us not love with word or with tongue, but in deed and truth.

Our friends and family didn’t just love us with their words, but also with their actions. Our church family provided meals for us this whole last week. It was such a blessing to take a little stress off and be able to focus on healing.

But even more than that, we knew we were being prayed for a daily basis. We were checked in on a regular basis to see how we were doing. And not just “can I bring you anything”, but asked us “how are you doing…and we really want to know”. I could be painfully honest with those who were around me. I could cry, question, yell and just sit with them. I was able to be me without being judged or afraid of my emotions. It is a freedom that many in churches (or families for that matter) don’t feel like they have.

They were the “friends” I wasn’t sure I had before this happened. I was reminded time and again that I am blessed with friends who love me, care for me and are there for me, all the time.

I have to say, our church isn’t huge, but our church is genuine and cares for everyone who walks through the doors whether it’s your first Sunday or your 100^th. We are blessed.

In addition to our church friends and family, I have been reminded of how much I am cared for by my “online” friends. One can joke about whether online friends really count…but, for the most part, I would say they do. Some I have never met, but we are tied together by the births of our children years ago or other major life events. Some our lives intertwined years ago and some are new friendships. But I have had several friends email or call to say they’re praying for me or checking to see how I’m doing. Some of you have shared personal stories, scriptures or just provided encouragement. I have been blessed to know that our story has touched others and that others are helping share our grief.

I feel blessed to know that I have a support system that many of us rarely discover except in times of tragedy. I’m reminded that God often cares for us through the ministry of those around us. I am blessed with friends and family who care for me.

Who says?

I tend to set really high goals for myself and others around me. When I start to feel stressed or out of control, I have the tendency to try to find a better “system” to get it all done. I feel the urge to organize better so that I can be more in control of the chaos around me. I want to be able to do it all, and do it really well. But who says I have to?

I’ve got a couple of favorite blogs I read on a fairly regular basis. They’re written by some really great ladies who have bigger families than I do and they have a pretty similar world view to what we have. I enjoy them and a lot of times they give me some great stuff to ponder and implement in my family. Recently on a blog post an author included her weekly family meal menu and shopping list. I thought I’d take a gander and see what other people plan and eat. (I love food you know). Here is what she feeds her family for breakfast, lunch and dinner…

BREAKFAST

Pancakes

Eggs & Sausage

Waffles

Baked Oatmeal

Cocoa & Toast or Cereal

Smoothies

Oven Pancake & Fruit

LUNCH

Sandwiches & Chips

Grilled Cheese & Tomato Soup

Taco Salad

Spaghetti & Corn

Hot Dogs & Cheese Slices

Hamburgers & Chips

Quiche & Peas

DINNER

Chili & Corn Bread or Cinnamon Rolls

Homemade or Frozen Pizza & Salad

Crock Pot Roast & Potatoes & Green Beans

Fajitas & Rice

Potato Soup & Breadsticks

Sloppy Joes & Chips

I read this list and started to feel guilty. My kids get a choice for breakfast…cold cereal, instant oatmeal, toast, or if we have pumpkin or banana bread they can have that. Occasionally they can have Oreos. For lunch it’s left overs, PB&J or something else equally as easy. Dinner I usually cook a decent dinner. But seriously. I started to feel like I was failing my kids. I don’t give them a hot breakfast every morning and I certainly don’t make pancakes or eggs and sausage. I don’t whip up a fancy lunch either. What if I’m failing their little minds and their tummies by feeding them what’s easy and doable?

But then I got a bit of a reality check. Who says I have to make a fancy breakfast or lunch to be a good mom? Who says that my kids will only thrive if I spend my days in the kitchen instead of playing with them or helping them learn in school? Who says I have to do what other moms (who apparently have way more time, energy or help than I do) do? It’s self imposed really. There are times when I have to tell myself “who says”.

I mean, even in the Bible when it talks about women being keepers of the home, it doesn’t say “thou shalt not have dirty floors” or “thou shalt makest thy children gourmet meals”. Although that whole Proverbs 31 woman sounds pretty stellar. Although when you break it down, the woman in Proverbs 31 boils down to this…she’s trustworthy and her husband is okay with her running the household (v 10, 11), she’s frugal (v 13), she feeds her family (v 15), she thinks ahead (v 21), she helps the poor (v 20), she exercises (v 17), she is diligent in her work and brings in money (v 24), she’s wise and kind (v 26), and she’s not lazy (v 27). The other things…hot breakfasts, spotless houses, perfect children in matching clothes (I don’t do this by the way) and floors so clean you can eat off of…that’s all self imposed. It’s this imaginary standard that we all try to live up to, but we never make. My house is clean enough to be healthy, but dirty enough to be happy. My kids don’t get fancy breakfasts or lunch, but they’re not hungry and they seem to grow just fine.

So who says it has to look like “Leave it to Beaver”? Who says that anything other than what we’re doing now is better?

I should say this…if you’re one of those moms who CAN do it all and make your kids these really fantastic meals and keeps your house spotless…more power to you! Nothing wrong with that, but know that when you come to visit my house…you may need to lower your expectations just a bit.

Leave and Cleave : Respect – Heart matters

Respect begins in the heart.

Proverbs 4:23

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

23 Watch over your heart with all diligence,
For from it flow the springs of life.

The thoughts we have about our husband overflow into our “real life” and into our actions, our words and our relationships. Respect for our husbands is no different. If we don’t respect him in our hearts, we’re not going to be able to fool anyone into believing that we respect him either.

What if he hasn’t done anything worthy of respect? I can hear the indignant questions from angry wives everywhere. My husband doesn’t deserve my respect. My first question to those women is “what have you done worthy of his love?” I hate to tell you ladies (and myself sometimes) that nowhere does it say to “wait until he deserves it to show him respect” We’re supposed to do it right out of the shoot. Our husbands will answer to God for their actions and choices, we don’t get to say when he’s “good enough”.

Second, I would suggest that we should respect our husbands not because he is *worthy* of our respect, but because we are commanded by God to respect him. Who is your master? Whom are you serving when you’re respectful and obedient to your husband (I’ll give you a clue…it’s not your husband).

Very few human beings aren’t worthy of at least some respect.

I would also encourage you to examine by whose standard are you judging your husband and his worthiness? Are you looking to the world to tell you how a many “earns” respect or are you looking at the biblical standard of what a husband is to be?

One of the first ways we can begin to show respect and be respectful in our hearts is to stop trying to control our husbands. Stop trying to make him fit into a mold that the world tells us he should fit in to. Stop trying to “reform” him.

Many ladies I know seem to think that the man they were dating will magically change to the man they want them to be after the wedding. You know what? Same guy. The best we can do is to grow with our husbands, mature with them. And we can help him grow, we can share our ideas and thoughts with him, but we shouldn’t be critical of his every move and decision.

Our hearts are where respect for our husbands begin. It’s like planting a seed. If we can plant one or two seeds of respect there and nurture them they will spill over into the other areas of our lives.

I encourage you this week to find one or two things you can respect about your husband. You don’t have to say anything to him about those things if you don’t want to. But begin and end each day praising him in your heart. Praise God for those things about your husband. When you want to just smack your man upside the head or roll your eyes at him or say something hurtful…stop. Think about your “respect seeds” start cultivating that attitude towards him from the roots up.

Camp

We are off to camp tomorrow! I’m so excited! I didn’t go to camp as a kid so I really don’t have a lot to go on here, but it sounds like a lot of fun. I am going to be the camp nurse (fun!) and Gabe is going as a camper. Kerry and the 3 little guys get to come along for the ride! Gabe is a little nervous I think. Otto is too young to participate this year so he gets to hang with dad.

We’ll see Gabe throughout the week which will be nice and probably a good transition. Here is where we’re headed. Gabe will be going to the TB adventure camp for 3rd to 6th graders.

Wanna hear the best part? I’m told there is no cell phone access and only intermittent internet access. Yes!! I actually get a week off. Sort of. I do have plenty to do to get ready for school in a couple weeks so I will be kind of working, but hopefully with some break time in there too. 🙂

I’ll be sure to post pictures and updates as we have time!

Household organization — The kid stuff

Yesterday I outlined what I do each day and how I organized my chores and plans. I take a similar approach to setting out what the boys do each day. I first wrote out what I wanted them to do each morning between breakfast and lunch, lunch and supper and supper and bedtime. I tried to alternate the completion of some tasks like loading and unloading the dishwasher . There are some tasks that each boy does everyday. I want them to master a task before they move on or change. You can view their task lists here. I printed them, covered them with contact paper and have them check off each task as they complete it. I ask them to have each routine completed by a specific time. So morning chores are done by 11:00 so that I can check their chores before lunch. Afternoon chores are done by 4pm.

We do pay the boys twice a day for their “work” but we also expect them to contribute without pay when asked. We pay them 50 cents for their morning routine and 50 cents for their afternoon routine (Zeke gets 25 cents). However, if chores aren’t complete by the designated time or not done well, if I have to ask or remind more than once, or if there is an unusual amount of arguing, fighting or foul attitude I take off 25 cents. I try to incorporate Zeke into many of the chores during the day so that he is learning alongside the big boys and still feels “useful”. He really gets a charge out of carrying dirty laundry to the back porch, setting napkins on the table and emptying the dishwasher. In fact, he almost empties the dishwasher almost all by himself each morning.

I want to say a couple things about having kiddos doing chores.

1. Work alongside them. Let them see you working too. Let them see and know that many hands make light work. And that they have an integral part in making your family run smoothly. It is part of being a family. We all must work together so we can all play together.

2. Train, train, train. Training children is hard work. Gabe has been sweeping the floor for the last year, yet I found myself re-training him this last week about how to properly sweep the floor. It takes time. In general the steps we follow when training for a new chore are as follows…

a. Tell them what you expect

b. Show them what you expect

c. Do it with them

d. Supervise their practice

e. Independent practice (with routine checks and then move to intermittent/spot checks).

And then train again if needed. Sometimes you need to write out the steps or take it step by step and help them master a step first before moving on to the next step.

There are some things that I didn’t include on our daily expectation sheets, but that we still expect. Things like clearing their dishes from the table after meals etc.

I also have a similar system for their lesson plans and school work. It very similar to what Amy talks about here (at one of my favorite blogs). 🙂

So far this system is working well for us. The boys know what is expected of them and are accountable for making sure it is complete by the “due time” (there is a little bit of give if I see they’ve been working on it and are almost done). It saves me from having to run around and chase them to make sure everything is getting done. I have 2 scheduled check points (11 and 4) to make sure daily chores are getting done. I have a schedule for getting bigger projects done each month and I don’t get overwhelmed by the amount of work there is. I have found after going through a couple cycles of this that the projects aren’t as big and they are taking less time to get complete.

Hope it helps! 🙂

Thoughtful Thursday — A monkey's uncle

So we took a little unplanned trip back to Kansas last week and I’m complete off my “schedule” of blogging. Here is my attempt to get caught back up. Today is thoughtful Thursday and I’ll tell you how I was and continue to be blessed by my brother.

Luke and I are 14 months apart. (I’m older, but much shorter). I’m sure that when we were little that must have been really tough on my mom, but it was really great for us. We did lots of stuff together and were great friends.
Luke is a great husband and father to 2 beautiful girls! And I mean beautiful! (His wife, Jenna is also beautiful!).

Luke is a fantastic uncle to my boys. He is a hunter, fisher and general outdoorsman and has made many efforts to give my kiddos some great experiences. About a year ago he helped set them up with bows and a target in our backyard. The boys love the time they have to shoot out there. This last week we were in Kansas and the boys could hardly wait to get to Luke’s house to shoot with him. The bows and arrows were carefully and thoughtfully packed in the trailer and were some of the first things to be unloaded. Luke took time to spend with them outside and especially with Gabe. I have yet to get on the phone with the boys and not hear them talk about spending time with Luke. It makes my heart happy to hear them chatter about what he taught them or how well they could shoot the target or arrows or whatever. Lately I’ve been hearing about how excited they are to hunt bullfrogs in July. (apparently there is a bullfrog season…who knew?)

A few weeks ago Otto shot a lizard in our backyard. He wasn’t trying to be mean, but he had his BB gun and his manly hunter instincts took over and he shot it. He was so excited. And then he thought about it and felt bad for the lizard. He was worried about whether it was going to help other lizard friends or if it had a family etc. I was trying to do my best to comfort him and be a good mommy, but I had no idea what to say to make him feel better. I was approaching it from the angle that God gives life and that we have the ability to take it away, and that this was perhaps a good learning opportunity about the blah blah blah…it didn’t help and to be honest it wasn’t making a whole lot of sense. So I called Luke. Luke told Otto that sneaking up on a lizard takes a lot of skill and it’s a feat that most hunters can’t achieve. It’s something I’ve never done, he said, and you should be proud of yourself for doing something most other people couldn’t.

While that it was certainly a different approach, it was exactly what my son needed to hear. He asked Luke later if he ever felt bad for the animals he shot and they had a very good conversation about hunting and it’s purpose etc. I appreciate that about my brother. He always seems to have the right words, sometimes a little unconventional, but a good grasp on the world around him.

So this week, I was blessed by my brother. He doesn’t know it and will probably be a little irritated that I blogged about him. But it’s true. I feel honored that he takes an interest in my children. They feel special because he takes time with them. He makes them feel important and that blesses me.