Sometimes there are no words…just empty. It’s so easy to get lost in our day to day living that we forget about the substance of life. This week was one of those weeks for me. I was so busy trying to survive most days that I completely forgot to take joy in my children and my family.
I am ashamed to say how many nights I went to bed this week feeling guilty because I was working from the time I got home until my children went to bed. So much so that I didn’t hardly engage in conversation with them. I always went to bed vowing to do better the next day and yet I fell into the same trap the next evening.
I could make excuses for it. The fact that I am teaching full time, that the days I spend in the office are often 14 hours days (usually 2 days a week or so) or that I’m also teaching online for 3 other schools to help make ends meet. I could blame it on the fact that my husband and I work hard to juggle our schedules so that we can home school our children while both working outside the home. Or I could own up to what I think it really boils down to…Sometimes I’m more worried about what others think of me than what my children think of me. I want someone else to praise me and to recognize the “good” job I’m doing, but I’m not willing to give the same weight to the opinion of my kids.
I take for granted that there will always be another day with them. There will always be another chance to spend time with them. But what if there isn’t? What if? I am assured that there is ALWAYS work waiting. I want so desperately to be at home full time with my children. I anticipate the day that I come home full time almost hourly. But yet, there are evenings that I am guilty of not putting them first. I fail at trying to “have it all”. I live so often in the future of “I’ll have more time when” or “if I can just get this project done, I will…”
I am reminded though, that God’s design is for me to be at home. Not just my body, but my mind and my heart. Mommy sitting on the couch working on a lecture or grading papers isn’t what God has designed for my family. It’s not what He has designed for my children. My priorities have to change, I have to be better at setting boundaries, but most of all I have to remember what I was made to do. The best that I can do is pray for wisdom, discernment and obedience to God’s prompting. I spent time talking to my husband. Seeking his guidance and advice for the change that needs to take place. There is a definite end to this mess in sight. I’m not at the point where I can say it yet, but I can see the light. In the mean time though, I’m unwilling to continue going to sleep feeling like a failure as a mother because I put work ahead of my children.
I am ashamed to say that I was empty this week. I spent so much time giving to my work that I wasn’t able to give to my family. They’re so often left with whatever energy, time, or stamina I have left. Unfortunately this week, I was completely empty.
This blog post was part of a Five Minute Friday Link up. The idea is to write for 5 minutes with no editing on a specific topic. This is what came to mind with the word “Empty”.
Visit the link up here…
Category: wife
Stuff your husband needs to hear and we don't
Loving husbands is hard. But I would bet so is loving wives. We are called to respect our husbands. I posted about respecting our husbands in my leave and cleave posts.
I have been so disappointed to see and hear the way young ladies and wives treat their husbands. When we talk to our sons about choosing a wife (yes we do and they’re only 7 and 9), we encourage them to watch how their perspective bride talks to the men in her life. The way she talks to her father or brothers before she’s married is a good indication of how she’ll talk to her husband when she’s married.
Ephesians 5:33 says “However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” (ESV)
Please notice that it doesn’t say “respect him when he earns it” or “respect him only if he makes you feel loved”. It says respect him. So many women today are bent on making their husbands earn the respect, but I’ll tell you ladies…I wouldn’t want to wait to feel loved until he decided I was lovable. Because some days, quite frankly, I’m not.
After hearing yet another young wife berate her husband in public, I decided to write a list of things you should say to your husband, boyfriend, fiance’ and in some cases even your father. Remember, you’re practicing submission and respect while you’re still living at home.
Say:
“I’m so thankful you can do well”
Don’t say:
“You never do anything right.”
Say:
“Thank you for doing today. It really helped a lot”
Don’t say:
“Did you get done today?” or “Why didn’t get done?”
Say:
“I’m so blessed to have a husband/father/son/ etc like you”
Don’t say:
“Ugh! You’ve got to be kidding me!”
Say:
“What can I do for you today?”
Don’t say:
“I don’t have time to do that.”
Say (to others about him):
“Isn’t he great at ?” or “I don’t know what I’d do without him”
Don’t say:
“He always does ” or “I hate it when he .
I encourage you this week to try to say things that will build up the man in your life. Say them to his face and in front of others. Let him know that you really mean it, make a choice to respect him and show him that respect. Serve him, don’t look to him to serve you all the time. Remember when you say negative things about your husband to others and then you forgive him…they rarely do. All they remember are the negative things you’ve said and they’re going to have a negative impression of him when you reconcile.
Something else to remember ladies…you wouldn’t want your husband/father airing all your faults and short comings to his friends, co-workers and random people in public. So don’t do it to him. We all have faults and none of us like them being advertised to others. You may think you’re “just venting” or letting off steam, but you’re disrespecting your husband/father. I have been on the receiving end of women who unloaded to me about their husbands/fathers…I promise you it wasn’t him that I had the poor impression of.
Remember to respect your man, show him and others that you respect him. You expect him to love you so you respect him.
Be Quiet
I was thumbing through my Bible this week and stopped in the book of Luke. In chapter 1 it talks about Zacharias being made mute because he didn’t believe that his wife (Elizabeth) would have a child. But the interesting thing to me wasn’t so much that he couldn’t speak, but that he still couldn’t speak right after the birth…his mouth wasn’t opened for 8 days until after his son (John the Baptist) was born (on the day his some was circumcised).
Can you imagine going 10 months without talking? And back then it’s not like he could just type out his thoughts quickly on a keyboard. The time he must have had to think. Not only that but the time his wife must have had to think, I mean the house would have been pretty quiet. (She also kept herself in seclusion for 5 months after becoming pregnant).
What do you think the first words you would say be after not talking for 10 months and after witnessing the birth of your first child? Zacharias had time to think about what he was going to say. He could have been making a list of all the people he wanted to set straight, or he could have wanted to tell his wife and son how much he loved them. But he didn’t. He praised God. Seriously. After being made mute by God, he praised him right after he got his voice back.
Luke 1:59-64
59 And it happened that on the eighth day they came to circumcise the child, and they were going to call him Zacharias, after his father. 60 But his mother answered and said, “No indeed; but he shall be called John.” 61 And they said to her, “There is no one among your relatives who is called by that name.” 62 And they made signs to his father, as to what he wanted him called. 63 And he asked for a tablet and wrote as follows, “His name is John.” And they were all astonished. 64 And at once his mouth was opened and his tongue loosed, and he began to speak in praise of God.
I’m not sure why, but as I read and it hit me. I started to think about being quiet. Are there times when God is just telling me to be quiet? Be still and listen, think, pray. I’m not the quietest person, but I’m learning to be. I tend to be a verbal processor when it comes to big decisions or even thinking about big decisions. I have to talk about it, and sometimes I have to talk it to death.
But it seems like God has been teaching me lately to be quiet. To just bite my tongue, sometimes literally, listen and wait. There are times when I’ll bring an issue up to Kerry and God will tell me “okay, you’ve said your piece now be quiet”. My mouth comes open to say something and I’m reminded again “shhh. You’ve already said that.” So I keep it to myself. It’s been interesting to watch how God works when I’m willing to be quiet. Often times He’ll resolve the situation without me ever having to say another word.
The other thing about the story of Zacharias though, is that when he could speak again he PRAISED God. Interesting. It struck me, how quick am I to praise God? When I pray, do I praise Him or do I just go right into my list of wants, concerns and worries? When those issues that I’ve been so quiet about are resolved or prayers are answered…do I immediately praise Him? I might say “thank you”, but praise is so much more than that I think. Praise is reflected not only in our prayers and with our mouths, but is also reflected in our lives a
nd actions.
The story also reminded me that every good and perfect gift comes from God (James 1:17). And convicted me that I should be more thankful for those things that come from Him. When I open my mouth, I should open it with praise for my God, even when things are difficult.
Why I still feel Blessed – My Husband
In closing out this year and some of my “why I still feel blessed” posts, I have to talk about the blessing of my husband. When Kerry and I started dating (14 years ago!), I don’t think anyone believe it at first. In fact, I distinctly remember having several people ask me if I was really dating Kerry Rosfeld (and I know there were those who asked him the same thing). We were, and still are in a lot of ways, opposites. Kerry was quiet and shy, I wasn’t. At. All. But here we are after over 10 years of marriage and we couldn’t be better matched. I am so thankful for God’s grace in giving me the husband He has. We may be opposite in a lot of ways, but we complement each other well.
The night we found out that Knox had died, I was so devastated. The girl doing our sonogram didn’t have children and while she was trying to be helpful said “At least you have 4 boys at home” as she told us goodbye. Kerry squeezed my hand tighter and without saying a word let me know he understood. He held me in the lobby of the hospital while I sobbed before we walked together, crying, to the car. He prayed with me in the parking garage before we went home to tell the boys.
Until that night I don’t think I’ve ever seen my husband cry. Not that he’s un-emotional, he just doesn’t cry. I’ve seen him stare in awe at our children after they’ve been born. I’ve seen him get a little shaky after each one and have to sit down…not because he gets grossed out, but because the gravity of the whole “we have another baby and how amazing is this little creation” thing hits and he sits down to take it all in. But he cried the night we lost Knox.
He cried the night he was born, he grieved the loss of his son. It moved me. It reminded me just how much he loves each one of our children before they’re ever born, before he can even feel them move. As a L&D nurse I can’t tell you how rare it is for dad’s to have that “buy in” to their babies before they’re born. But my husband loves each of our children from the day he finds out they’re coming, and I am so blessed by that.
He made difficult phone calls to tell loved ones and friends the journey that lay ahead. It wasn’t easy for him, but he did it because he loves me and he knew that I would never be able to do it. He didn’t have the words to describe how we were feeling or what was happening, but he asked for prayer and told our story.
He reached for my hand every time someone would walk into our room while I was in the hospital. We were occasionally asked by an unknowing person if we were excited about our new baby or if we knew if it was a boy or girl, Kerry would squeeze my hand and then hold me as I broke into tears when that person left. (I didn’t have the heart to tell those people why we were being induced so I didn’t…I just said we didn’t know and we were a little nervous about the induction). Kerry asked the nurse for a sign for our door to let staff know we had a loss so that I didn’t have to answer questions…he was my advocate.
When I was being induced, Kerry was my rock. He helped me labor during the induction. I wanted to avoid pain medication because I wanted to be as aware as possible of the things going on around me and when the baby came I didn’t want to be drugged. So I labored and Kerry supported me, he rubbed my back, he held my hand and he let me lean on him. He took notes about the events of the day, just like he has on every other day we welcomed a child into our family.
When Knox was born, I was nervous about how it would affect Kerry to be honest. Because I worked in labor and delivery I had seen babies born at 15 weeks before, I knew from a nursing stand point what was going to happen and what to expect. I can’t imagine going through that for the first time with the baby being your child. Kerry asked questions throughout the process, and when Knox was born…Kerry reached for him to hold him. He marveled at Knox, he counted his fingers and toes (and looked for the family trademark bent pinky that all of our boys have), just like he had for all of our other children. I was so blessed to see him cherish our son. Not that I expected anything else from the man I married, but it was such a blessing to me. The pictures we have from that night are so special, Kerry took some of them, but the ones I love the most are the ones of him holding Knox. The look of love for Knox on Kerry’s face is priceless to me. I have been blessed by a husband who loves me and loves our children.
I have been blessed by a husband who I can be totally honest with. I could be completely vulnerable with my emotions and I knew that even when he didn’t know what to say he’d listen. I am a verbal processor, so I needed to do a lot of talking and still do about the whole process. Kerry listens so well. But even more than that, he is able to talk to me too. He’s not afraid to let me know what he’s thinking or how he’s doing emotionally. I’m so thankful I don’t have to pry or worse yet…wonder.
I have been blessed by a husband to ministers to me spiritually. He prayed with me, read scripture to me and helped me find hope in a tough situation. When he was explaining to our boys what happened and about the events that took place in the hospital, Kerry continually turned back to scriptures. He used this difficult situation to show our boys the sufficiency of scripture for our everyday lives. I have heard Kerry pray with our children about healing our hearts and my body, they have thanked God for the doctor who cared for me, they have prayed for more children. I am so thankful for his godly leadership and the example he shows our children.
I have thanked God numerous times for bringing Kerry and I together. God has carried us as a couple through the loss of a child. He has used Kerry to bless me, to remind me of His love, to remind me of His grace. While we may be opposites in a lot of ways, we are a perfect fit and I am so thankful for the man God gave me to spend the rest of my life with.
Who says?
I tend to set really high goals for myself and others around me. When I start to feel stressed or out of control, I have the tendency to try to find a better “system” to get it all done. I feel the urge to organize better so that I can be more in control of the chaos around me. I want to be able to do it all, and do it really well. But who says I have to?
I’ve got a couple of favorite blogs I read on a fairly regular basis. They’re written by some really great ladies who have bigger families than I do and they have a pretty similar world view to what we have. I enjoy them and a lot of times they give me some great stuff to ponder and implement in my family. Recently on a blog post an author included her weekly family meal menu and shopping list. I thought I’d take a gander and see what other people plan and eat. (I love food you know). Here is what she feeds her family for breakfast, lunch and dinner…
BREAKFAST
Pancakes
Eggs & Sausage
Waffles
Baked Oatmeal
Cocoa & Toast or Cereal
Smoothies
Oven Pancake & Fruit
LUNCH
Sandwiches & Chips
Grilled Cheese & Tomato Soup
Taco Salad
Spaghetti & Corn
Hot Dogs & Cheese Slices
Hamburgers & Chips
Quiche & Peas
DINNER
Chili & Corn Bread or Cinnamon Rolls
Homemade or Frozen Pizza & Salad
Crock Pot Roast & Potatoes & Green Beans
Fajitas & Rice
Potato Soup & Breadsticks
Sloppy Joes & Chips
I read this list and started to feel guilty. My kids get a choice for breakfast…cold cereal, instant oatmeal, toast, or if we have pumpkin or banana bread they can have that. Occasionally they can have Oreos. For lunch it’s left overs, PB&J or something else equally as easy. Dinner I usually cook a decent dinner. But seriously. I started to feel like I was failing my kids. I don’t give them a hot breakfast every morning and I certainly don’t make pancakes or eggs and sausage. I don’t whip up a fancy lunch either. What if I’m failing their little minds and their tummies by feeding them what’s easy and doable?
But then I got a bit of a reality check. Who says I have to make a fancy breakfast or lunch to be a good mom? Who says that my kids will only thrive if I spend my days in the kitchen instead of playing with them or helping them learn in school? Who says I have to do what other moms (who apparently have way more time, energy or help than I do) do? It’s self imposed really. There are times when I have to tell myself “who says”.
I mean, even in the Bible when it talks about women being keepers of the home, it doesn’t say “thou shalt not have dirty floors” or “thou shalt makest thy children gourmet meals”. Although that whole Proverbs 31 woman sounds pretty stellar. Although when you break it down, the woman in Proverbs 31 boils down to this…she’s trustworthy and her husband is okay with her running the household (v 10, 11), she’s frugal (v 13), she feeds her family (v 15), she thinks ahead (v 21), she helps the poor (v 20), she exercises (v 17), she is diligent in her work and brings in money (v 24), she’s wise and kind (v 26), and she’s not lazy (v 27). The other things…hot breakfasts, spotless houses, perfect children in matching clothes (I don’t do this by the way) and floors so clean you can eat off of…that’s all self imposed. It’s this imaginary standard that we all try to live up to, but we never make. My house is clean enough to be healthy, but dirty enough to be happy. My kids don’t get fancy breakfasts or lunch, but they’re not hungry and they seem to grow just fine.
So who says it has to look like “Leave it to Beaver”? Who says that anything other than what we’re doing now is better?
I should say this…if you’re one of those moms who CAN do it all and make your kids these really fantastic meals and keeps your house spotless…more power to you! Nothing wrong with that, but know that when you come to visit my house…you may need to lower your expectations just a bit.
Leave and Cleave : Respect – Heart matters
Respect begins in the heart.
Proverbs 4:23
New American Standard Bible (NASB)
23 Watch over your heart with all diligence,
For from it flow the springs of life.
The thoughts we have about our husband overflow into our “real life” and into our actions, our words and our relationships. Respect for our husbands is no different. If we don’t respect him in our hearts, we’re not going to be able to fool anyone into believing that we respect him either.
What if he hasn’t done anything worthy of respect? I can hear the indignant questions from angry wives everywhere. My husband doesn’t deserve my respect. My first question to those women is “what have you done worthy of his love?” I hate to tell you ladies (and myself sometimes) that nowhere does it say to “wait until he deserves it to show him respect” We’re supposed to do it right out of the shoot. Our husbands will answer to God for their actions and choices, we don’t get to say when he’s “good enough”.
Second, I would suggest that we should respect our husbands not because he is *worthy* of our respect, but because we are commanded by God to respect him. Who is your master? Whom are you serving when you’re respectful and obedient to your husband (I’ll give you a clue…it’s not your husband).
Very few human beings aren’t worthy of at least some respect.
I would also encourage you to examine by whose standard are you judging your husband and his worthiness? Are you looking to the world to tell you how a many “earns” respect or are you looking at the biblical standard of what a husband is to be?
One of the first ways we can begin to show respect and be respectful in our hearts is to stop trying to control our husbands. Stop trying to make him fit into a mold that the world tells us he should fit in to. Stop trying to “reform” him.
Many ladies I know seem to think that the man they were dating will magically change to the man they want them to be after the wedding. You know what? Same guy. The best we can do is to grow with our husbands, mature with them. And we can help him grow, we can share our ideas and thoughts with him, but we shouldn’t be critical of his every move and decision.
Our hearts are where respect for our husbands begin. It’s like planting a seed. If we can plant one or two seeds of respect there and nurture them they will spill over into the other areas of our lives.
I encourage you this week to find one or two things you can respect about your husband. You don’t have to say anything to him about those things if you don’t want to. But begin and end each day praising him in your heart. Praise God for those things about your husband. When you want to just smack your man upside the head or roll your eyes at him or say something hurtful…stop. Think about your “respect seeds” start cultivating that attitude towards him from the roots up.
Household organization — The kid stuff
Yesterday I outlined what I do each day and how I organized my chores and plans. I take a similar approach to setting out what the boys do each day. I first wrote out what I wanted them to do each morning between breakfast and lunch, lunch and supper and supper and bedtime. I tried to alternate the completion of some tasks like loading and unloading the dishwasher . There are some tasks that each boy does everyday. I want them to master a task before they move on or change. You can view their task lists here. I printed them, covered them with contact paper and have them check off each task as they complete it. I ask them to have each routine completed by a specific time. So morning chores are done by 11:00 so that I can check their chores before lunch. Afternoon chores are done by 4pm.
We do pay the boys twice a day for their “work” but we also expect them to contribute without pay when asked. We pay them 50 cents for their morning routine and 50 cents for their afternoon routine (Zeke gets 25 cents). However, if chores aren’t complete by the designated time or not done well, if I have to ask or remind more than once, or if there is an unusual amount of arguing, fighting or foul attitude I take off 25 cents. I try to incorporate Zeke into many of the chores during the day so that he is learning alongside the big boys and still feels “useful”. He really gets a charge out of carrying dirty laundry to the back porch, setting napkins on the table and emptying the dishwasher. In fact, he almost empties the dishwasher almost all by himself each morning.
I want to say a couple things about having kiddos doing chores.
1. Work alongside them. Let them see you working too. Let them see and know that many hands make light work. And that they have an integral part in making your family run smoothly. It is part of being a family. We all must work together so we can all play together.
2. Train, train, train. Training children is hard work. Gabe has been sweeping the floor for the last year, yet I found myself re-training him this last week about how to properly sweep the floor. It takes time. In general the steps we follow when training for a new chore are as follows…
a. Tell them what you expect
b. Show them what you expect
c. Do it with them
d. Supervise their practice
e. Independent practice (with routine checks and then move to intermittent/spot checks).
And then train again if needed. Sometimes you need to write out the steps or take it step by step and help them master a step first before moving on to the next step.
There are some things that I didn’t include on our daily expectation sheets, but that we still expect. Things like clearing their dishes from the table after meals etc.
I also have a similar system for their lesson plans and school work. It very similar to what Amy talks about here (at one of my favorite blogs). 🙂
So far this system is working well for us. The boys know what is expected of them and are accountable for making sure it is complete by the “due time” (there is a little bit of give if I see they’ve been working on it and are almost done). It saves me from having to run around and chase them to make sure everything is getting done. I have 2 scheduled check points (11 and 4) to make sure daily chores are getting done. I have a schedule for getting bigger projects done each month and I don’t get overwhelmed by the amount of work there is. I have found after going through a couple cycles of this that the projects aren’t as big and they are taking less time to get complete.
Hope it helps! 🙂