First few weeks

It’s been pretty quiet on the blog lately. We’ve been trying to find a new “normal” at our house with Zeb’s arrival. We’ve been spending lots of time enjoying him these days and I haven’t had much time to write. So I’ll share a few pictures of these first weeks with him. It’s hard to believe he will be 4 weeks old on Thursday!
Bath time is so relaxing!

Song for a 5th child

As I sit here staring out of my dirty windows across the dusty sills I rock my long awaited 5th son. I could lay him down and get something done while the older boys are out helping dad. I could dust frantically ahead of the coming wind, that will undo it all. I could bake bread or fold laundry, but instead I sit rocking. Holding my son and sneaking kisses on his head velvet soft. After all, babies don’t keep.
Song for a Fifth Child
by Ruth Hulburt Hamilton
Mother, oh Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing and butter the bread,
Sew on a button and make up a bed.
Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She’s up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.
Oh, I’ve grown shiftless as Little Boy Blue
(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
(Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo).
The shopping’s not done and there’s nothing for stew
And out in the yard there’s a hullabaloo
But I’m playing Kanga and this is my Roo.
Look! Aren’t his eyes the most wonderful hue?
(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).
The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
For children grow up, as I’ve learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.


Long Awaited — a birth story

Little did I know that in less than 12 hours of writing this post about being a watched pot, I would be holding our little baby. I firmly believed that I would be pregnant for several days yet and boy was I in for a surprise!
We had been planning a homebirth  but our plans changed a bit towards the end. Kerry was feeling a little more uncomfortable having the baby with just the two of us here so we had started seeing a doctor in Lakin. I’d made a birth preference sheet and gone over it with our doctor, who was very supportive of a low intervention birth (even though I was a 2VBA3C– 2nd time vaginal birth after 3 c-sections). I felt okay about going to the hospital, although I still would have preferred to stay at home. But Kerry and I agreed that unless both of us felt completely comfortable, neither of us would be able to enjoy the experience so I agreed to go to the hospital if I went in to labor without an extra set of hands here to help.
On Wednesday (4/3) evening, I stayed home from helping with AWANA, not because I felt laborish, but because I was just so tired and didn’t think I could handle a group of 6 three and four year olds. Kerry and I stayed home and I got caught up on some work and house keeping. I wrote my “Watched pot” post because I was sure I wasn’t going in to labor soon. Before we went to bed that night we talked again about birth plans and I thought my agreement to go in to the hospital until we had someone here to help was a “safe bet” because nothing seemed to be happening baby wise. We went to bed that night around 1:30 and, like so many nights before, I was a bit discouraged I was closing another day without a baby in my arms and my prayer was that I would be content waiting until God decided our baby was to be born.
Around 4:30 I got up to go to the bathroom. I lumbered back to bed, got settled and had just dozed off when a sudden movement by the baby woke me up. I groggily realized I was in the middle of a contraction, although I was comfortable, and my initial thought was “Huh. That was weird.” and then I rolled over and realized that the bed under me was a bit wet, I rolled my eyes and got myself out of bed thinking the baby had kicked my bladder and I needed to go pee again. As I stepped over the side of the bed I quickly realized that it was highly unlikely this was just a “kick to the bladder” and it just might have been my water breaking. I made it to the bathroom before I flooded the floor. I was in shock to be honest. After not having many contractions and nothing else exciting happening I couldn’t believe I was sitting there in my bathroom, trying to wake Kerry up and processing the fact that we were going to have a baby soon. I started shaking with the adrenaline of it all. I had a hard time calming myself down and making a coherent thought about anything. Kerry asked me what I wanted him to do…”ummm beats me.” I thought. I did ask him to get the doppler so I could check heart tones for the baby and make sure all was still okay with him. His heart rate was good so I just sat there for a bit trying to gather my thoughts. I started having a few contractions right away but I was relatively comfortable.
While we had agreed to go to the hospital, neither of us had really packed a bag or gathered stuff for the trip. While I sent a text to my mom, sister in law and a couple close friends Kerry got his stuff together and I walked around in circles trying to figure out what I needed, what I didn’t and what I was going to wish I’d brought along. Thankfully I had put together a list of things we would want to make sure we took to the hospital a few days earlier. We made a stack by the front door and debated about who we should call to sit with the boys. It was about 5:15am and I didn’t want to call anyone that early. I talked Kerry in to waiting until about 8:00 to call someone to come stay with the big boys, although I promised if I got uncomfortable I would tell him sooner. I spoke with my mom around that time and she was going to leave work early to head this direction as she lives about 4 hours away. Kerry decided he would try to get a little sleep on the couch while I ate some breakfast and tried to rest as well.
I had a hard time sitting still long enough to eat. I was hungry, but nothing sounded good and I had a hard time being able to sit through more than a few contractions. They were coming every 3 minutes or so and while I could manage them, they were much more intense than the contractions I felt with Titus. They felt “sharper” I guess. I did spend a little time in bed listening to some relaxation tracks on my phone and trying to rest. I couldn’t sleep, but was able to rest a bit and thankfully time seemed to move fast enough that soon it was 7.
I was in the bathroom around 7 when my second son Otto came in because he saw the lights on. I told him that today was the day the baby was coming because my water had broken. He was so excited and Zeke was right behind him so he heard it all too. They were both so thrilled! So thrilled in fact, that Otto walked right in to their bedroom, turned on the light to get dressed and woke his older brother Gabe. Otto was a little disappointed though that he couldn’t come to the hospital with us. He had been looking forward to the homebirth because he wanted to be close by when his little brother was born. It hurt my heart a little bit to see his disappointment. Between 7 and 7:15 we came to the living room where Kerry was dozing and woke him up. I was more uncomfortable with each contraction and was having to focus more with each one. I was starting to feel like if we were going to go some where we should go sooner rather than later or just stay home.
Around 8 Kerry called our church secretary to see if she might be willing to come sit with the big boys for a few hours until mom could get here. We knew she would be up taking her son to school and thankfully she agreed to be here by 8:30. So we busied ourselves helping big boys get breakfast and loading the car with our bags. It was so foggy outside that morning, I was praying it would clear some by the time we were going to leave. I was thankful that all of the boys were up by the time we were going to leave, that way I could hug and kiss each one goodbye and snuggle the two smaller ones a little bit before we left. We didn’t spend much time chatting with Susan after she got here, Kerry was anxious because I wasn’t talking through contractions and could tell I was more uncomfortable. He called the hospital to let them know we were on our way (but forgot to tell them my water broke).
Thankfully during the 30 minute ride to the hospital the contractions, while intense, were tolerable. It felt like it took longer than 30 minutes to get there and when we rounded the hill towards town I couldn’t see the grain elevator and was discouraged because it didn’t look like we were as close as I thought we were. Kerry knew I think that I was discouraged and said “Town is right there, you just can’t see the elevators because of the fog, we’re almost there.”
They were waiting for us when we pulled in the parking lot. There was a woman waiting with a wheelchair to take me in, although I would have rather walked. I guess my history of fast births preceded me as the room was all set up for the birth and everyone was waiting just in case. Our doctor was waiting for us as well and had gone over the birth preferences with the nurses. I was so thankful and they were willing to accommodate us. The nurses drew lab, checked me in and then basically left us alone (which is what I had asked for). I spent some time on the birth ball and walking around the room. Kerry put some hymns on to listen to while I labored.
The first hour passed uneventfully although I was fairly uncomfortable (more so than I had been with Titus), I’m not sure uncomfortable is the right word though…the contractions were just really intense. I continued to move around and it was time to get another monitoring strip of the baby so I sat on the ball while they monitored me for 20 minutes. Everything looked good with the baby and they unhooked me. I was so thankful the hospital had a nice Jacuzzi tub and I got in around 11 to try to relax. I had packed a swim suit top at the last minute and was thankful I had. I told my sister in law later at least I looked cute (ha!) while I gave birth.
I appreciated the warm water of the tub but was getting much more restless and my contractions were coming quickly (they had been 2-3 minutes consistently). I remember several times moving around and telling Kerry I just wanted it to be done. He prayed for me and kept telling me I was doing a good job. There were a couple moments when I said “I just can’t get on top of these contractions” or “Again!” when I’d have a back to back contraction. Kerry told me later he knew when I said those things that it wouldn’t be long…I on the other hand was fairly certain if it kept up much longer I was going to be begging for meds.
A few minutes later I felt my body start pushing and I remembering thinking (just like I did with Titus) “This can’t be happening, I can’t be ready now.”  And at one point I told Kerry I was feeling a lot of pressure and he might want to call the nurse, so he pulled the call bell. It took them a bit to come in, but by the time they got there the baby was already crowning and when they asked if I could get out of the tub Kerry said “No” and reached down to catch the baby. He brought him up out of the water and I held him. The baby cried right away and was so beautifully pink it was wonderful! The nurses and staff all seemed like they were in shock and kind of stood there not doing anything. We asked for a towel or blankets to dry him off. About that time Dr. Birky came in pulling on gloves and saw that he missed it. Once he saw baby looked good, he and the nurses left us alone for several minutes in the bathroom while we sat there and just bonded together. I was so thankful for this time and thankful they didn’t push us to get out or do the “routine” stuff right away (something I asked for and was grateful they respected).
When the cord stopped pulsing (another request I had made), we cut and clamped it and then Kerry took the baby and carried him to the room. I was able to get up and walk to the bed and felt really pretty good and we waited for the placenta. The nurse asked about starting pitocin, but Dr. Birky was fine with me not having any as long as things continued to look good. The placenta was born a few minutes later and I was holding the baby the whole time. Kerry took a few pictures, but thankfully one of the nurses does some photography on the side and had picked up our camera to take pictures right after he was born and throughout the whole process. I’m always thankful for those pictures and when I go back to look at them never feel like I have enough. I told Kerry that if we are blessed with another baby I’m going to hire someone to take pictures so I don’t miss anything.
The nurses did a great job of just letting us kind of take it in as a family and delayed many of the routines that happen in the hospital. They did weigh and measure him. I kept apologizing that things went so quickly and told them I thought I would have a little more time to warn them but things happened so fast. They said I was the most “natural” birth they’d had in a while and probably the first to have the baby in the bathtub. It made me chuckle a bit.
After we both were checked out we were left alone again to spend time getting to know each other. Over all I was about as happy with the hospital experience as I could have been. It was the closest thing to a homebirth in the hospital as I could have. I still would have preferred to stay home but was pleased with how things turned out. I am very thankful for the staff at the hospital and my doctor who was willing to accommodate me and the things I requested to help me have the kind of birth I wanted.
We took a bit to name him but we settled as a family on Zebediah Knox. Zebediah means Gift from God…and he truly is. We are so very thankful for this gift we have. Knox was his brother’s name and we felt it fitting to honor him in that way. Zeb weighed 7lbs 13 oz and was 20 inches long. He has more hair than any of our other boys and looks a little bit like each one of them. They have been very welcoming to him and argue about who gets to hold him next. We are praising God for the birth of our son and a healthy outcome for all of us.
I would like to thank all of our friends, family and my readers who have followed us on this journey and prayed for us along the way. I am so thankful for the support we’ve felt and the encouragement I’ve had along the way.

Psalms 127: 3-7

Behold, children are a gift of the Lord,
The fruit of the womb is a reward.
4 Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,
So are the children of one’s youth.
5 How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them;
They will not be ashamed
When they speak with their enemies in the gate.

A watched pot

That’s what I am these days. I’m 40 weeks this week and still pregnant. And I’m reminded everywhere I go that I’m still pregnant.
I can’t tell you how thankful I am to be 40 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby. When Knox died I was sure I wasn’t going to ever get pregnant again. And then when Lily died I was fearful that I would ever make it to full term again. And here I sit…40 weeks pregnant and anxiously waiting the birth of this little one.
We feel like we’ve been anticipating the birth of this baby for a year and a half. We sometimes have trouble wrapping our minds around the fact that yes indeed we are going to be having an actual baby in the next couple of weeks. It sounds silly I know, but after the outcome of our last couple of pregnancy’s we still find it tough sometimes to really believe this is happening.
I’ve heard lots of really great “how to go into labor” suggestions. Believe me, I’ve tried. I’ve cleaned the carpets, walking, eating spicy food and I even mowed the lawn this past weekend. Truthfully, I think some folks are a little worried when I’m standing next to them that I’m just going to have the baby right there. They always kind of give me a sideways eye trying to judge how “close” I am. But I assure you, I don’t think this little guy is going anywhere soon. He seems awfully comfy in there.
So just for the record as of today…I am still pregnant, I haven’t had any promising contractions and it’s totally possible that I will show up to church on Sunday still pregnant and still waiting. I’m okay with that. We trust God’s timing and planning for our family size and we will keep trusting Him for His timing and planning for when each of these little ones will be born. It’s hard to be patient but we will wait and be thankful we have something someone to wait on.
40 weeks and counting…


Waiting…that’s the name of the game here lately.
We’re (I’m) waiting kind of impatiently for this little baby to get here. I have a little while until my due date, but am close enough to know that if he decided to make his appearance now everything will likely be fine. It’s hard to wait, it’s hard to ride it out.
But I know this baby will come in his time and in God’s time. He can’t be rushed and shouldn’t be. So we wait.
I am doing okay and am thankful to have been fairly comfortable until the last couple of days. I’ve had a terrible cold this weekend and that is probably compounding the whole discomfort thing too. I hope that I am well by the time the baby comes as I don’t want to give him anything and don’t want to be dealing with a cold while adjusting to life with a newborn. Another good reason to keep waiting.
We are mostly ready for the homebirth, I say mostly because I’m sure we’re forgetting something. I’m much more laid back about getting things in order this time than I was last time. So I’m pretty sure that I’m forgetting something. I have all the essentials ready and in line so if there’s something missing we probably won’t know it until we think we might need it.
Here is a recent picture. The boys keep asking how big I think he’ll be. I have no idea to be honest. I don’t think I’m much bigger or small than I was with the other boys, so we’ll see. Kerry is much better at guessing than I am when it comes to baby weights. He’s been within an ounce or two with each of our boys, I haven’t asked him yet where he thinks this one will fall.

37 weeks — Whew!

I am 37 weeks this week and I’m delighted! I wasn’t sure I’d ever see this late in a pregnancy again and I’m thankful to be here. But I’ll tell you…I am oh so tired. I am feeling it this week for sure.
I was a little heavier to begin with this time than I have been for my last two full term pregnancies. Mostly because I ate my way through grief after losing Lily rather than working out like I did with Knox. So I’m sure that’s part of the reason I’m feeling so cumbersome these days.
Since I’m officially full term this week, I’ve been working on getting some birth supplies together and getting everything ready. I have a list of things I want to get done, they aren’t necessarily have to kinds of things but I’ll rest a little easier if I can get them done now rather than after the baby is born. So I try to chip away at one or two things a day in addition to schooling and the regular everyday stuff needed to keep our household up and running.
Today my project was getting birth supplies ready. We are planning another homebirth and last time by this point in my pregnancy I’d had everything ready for weeks. Last weekend I thought “Hmmm….I guess I should probably get some stuff together.” So I gathered our birth linens and supplies and put them in the crib. I tried to label everything so that in case things happen quickly again, it’s as easy for everyone as possible. I hope to be able to clean my carpets yet (please don’t ask why…it’s something I do before every baby is born and always have) this week and to take inventory of the meals I already have in the freezer for when the baby comes.
So now I guess I wait. I have other stuff to work on, but most days I’ll get halfway through a project and then just sit and stare at it for a while because I run out of steam. We’re all getting pretty excited around here about seeing and holding the new baby. But I think we have a few weeks for sure to wait until he gets here. So we’ll just keep plugging along and getting ready bit by bit.

30 weeks

There were so many moments in the last year I was sure I would never see 30 weeks of pregnancy again, yet here I am and oh so very thankful. Sometimes when I think about the next 10 weeks it seems like they’ll take forever to go by and other days it seems like the time is flying by.
I have been working through some tough stuff mentally the last few weeks. It’s like a couple weeks ago I realized I was pregnant for the first time this whole pregnancy and I was terrified to be honest. I think I have been waiting so long for the other shoe to fall, to lose this baby too, that I had guarded myself against the possibility that this baby could live and I would actually have a live baby to hold at the end of it all. It caught me off guard. And there were moments where my mind would dream up the highly unlikely, completely unreasonable fears of “what if” with this pregnancy. I would think of all the rare complications, some that I’ve only seen once or twice in my nursing career, that *could* happen and would make me lose the baby. Almost like I was looking for the rare to happen again because it’s happened twice before with Knox and Lily. I am thankful for a midwife friend and several others who I could vent to and talk about this with. Most of all though, I am thankful for the patient. loving Father in Heaven for helping me deal with my fears and give me peace about what is to come. I’m feeling much better this week with what lies ahead.
I suppose that every mother wonders if she’ll be able to make it through labor again. Me included. Especially since, after 3 c-sections with my oldest, this will really be my second non-induced labor. So to a certain extent I do wonder what it will be like, if I will be blessed with a super fast labor and birth like I was last time (I’m so hoping this is the case). I’m doing the things I need to be to get myself ready for that marathon at the end. We ordered our birth supplies a couple of weeks ago and they sit neatly in a box in the corner of our bedroom. I’m not sure Kerry knows where everything is yet, but hopefully he will before we need them. I have “extra hands” on call if we need them, something that was a huge answer to prayer last week.
The only thing I’m struggling with is drinking red raspberry leaf tea. You’re supposed to to help condition the uterus and get it ready for the birth…and I’ve done it with my previous pregnancies, but this time I can barely stomach the stuff. It isn’t “robust” enough for me, I want the strong coffee flavor but it just doesn’t have it. So, for now I’ll choke down what I can, but it isn’t my thing this time. That and eating. Eating is still a challenge for me. Nothing really sounds good, still and when I do have an appetite the baby feels like he’s so high that I run out of room before I really get to enjoy much of what is on my plate. It is what it is I guess, and this is pretty typical for me when I’m pregnant. So I eat because I have to, not necessarily because I want to. I explained it to Kerry like this…it’s like eating every meal with a terrible cold, not being able to taste anything or enjoy what you’re eating. After a while, it’s just “eh” when it’s meal time.
The boys are getting very excited and still ask several times a day “Mommy, how many more weeks?” Zeke is getting anxious to hold the baby and thinks that the baby will want to sleep with him when the baby gets here.
We are excited about the next 10 weeks and the time when baby comes. We pray every day for his safe arrival and easy birth at home. By the way, we don’t have a name yet. We’re talking about it though. 🙂
 BabyFruit Ticker

24 weeks — How much longer?

I think I get asked this every day by one of my children. They are so very anxious to meet their baby brother (as are we) that they ask “how many more weeks?” on a regular basis. 16 weeks (ish) to go. Sometimes it seems so far away and sometimes it seems like time is going quickly.
Everything is going well. I am every so thankful for every kick and wiggle that I feel. I pray, thanking God, often. There are still moments where I am fearful or when I get anxious about what the future holds. So I focus on being thankful for every moment and every gift I’ve been given. I think that was one of the things I under-estimated about loss. The messed up brain stuff. Always waiting for the other shoe to fall or for something to go wrong. I wonder sometimes “Why is it so hard to believe God would give me something good again?” I am working on finding the joy and not being stressed.
So today, I am thankful as we count down the weeks…getting ever closer to meeting this little one God has given us.

22 weeks

I missed my update last week. Things are going well with my pregnancy so far. I’ve been getting a lot of questions about if we’re planning another home birth this time.
Yes we are.
We had such a wonderful experience having Titus at home that we’d like to do it again. That and it’s virtually impossible to find a doc here who will let me VBAC after having 3 c/s. We live 4 blocks from the hospital here in town and if we would need to transfer it would be a short trip. The closest OB doctor is an hour away and considering how quickly my labor went with Titus I don’t think we’d make it. So the plan is, Lord willing, that this baby will be born at home just as quickly and easily as Titus was.
I’ve finally gained a little weight. My last two full term pregnancies I gained less than 10 lbs with each of them. In fact, with Zeke I gained less than he weighed at birth and he was my biggest baby. I eat, I really do, it’s just how it goes I guess.
I’m feeling the baby move more which is reassuring. I have an anterior (front) placenta so sometimes when he kicks it’s like he’s kicking a pillow so it doesn’t always feel as strong as it could. The boys have been able to feel him kick from the outside though this week, which has been exciting for them. It took a minute for Zeke to realize what he was feeling, but once he did the smile on his face was priceless. Titus still has no idea what is going on.
I’ve noticed that I have to be much more aware of what I’m eating and how much water I’m drinking. I always underestimate how much protein I am eating and when I don’t get enough I feel rotten and I notice more swelling. I can’t really stand the texture of nuts when I’m pregnant, so I have to get a little more creative with snacks throughout the day. I really just forget to drink water during the day, I get busy and don’t realize how thirsty I am until I sit down for meals. I’ve decided to set a reminder every so often to make me stop and take a drink here and there.
We’re no where close to having a name for this little guy. We have a list, but nothing that strikes us yet. We take a while picking a name and this time is no different. We have definite criteria for our names and it’s likely that we’ll have to take a look at this little guy before he gets an official title.
I am so thankful to be 22 weeks. God reminds me on a daily basis to trust Him and there have been days that I’ve allowed the fear of losing another pregnancy creep in and rob me of my joy. The ability to continue carrying this baby is such a blessing and I am ever so thankful for each moment I have.

Week 20 — Halfway

I’m a little late with my update, mostly because I was so busy this week. I am officially at the half way mark. I am so thankful. Otto keeps asking how many more weeks until the baby will be born. Oh honey if I knew…
I am feeling the baby move more each day and I’m so delighted. I find myself ever more thankful for every kick and squirm. I often find myself sending up little prayers after each kick. “Thank you God for that, please protect our baby” In the last week or so I have found myself becoming more hopeful, although I still struggle some with anxiety about whether this pregnancy will continue. I think the fear losing another baby late in pregnancy is my biggest struggle right now.
I have found a good chiropractor who I’ll see every few weeks. She is pregnant with her 6th baby, 5th boy! She’s due just a few weeks before I am, so I’m not quite sure what will happen after she gives birth. I saw my last chiropractor several times the last few weeks of pregnancy and I really feel like it made a huge difference for me. But for now I am thankful that I have someone who makes me feel comfortable.
Everything seems to be going fine. Blood pressure is good, baby’s heart rate is good and I’ve finally gained some weight. I don’t usually lose weight at the beginning, but kind of hold steady until I get halfway, at least that’s how it’s been with my last two boys. In fact, with both of them I gained less than what they weighed. We’ll see how it goes this time. I still have to force myself to eat. It’s not that the nausea to that severe, but nothing sounds good to eat. I just don’t feel like eating, even if I’m hungry nothing sounds good. It’s tough and it gets discouraging.
Again, I’m taking one week at a time and I’m thankful for every moment.