Category: Uncategorized

Spring

I am so ready for spring it’s not even funny. I don’t know why, but I’m sick of winter and we haven’t even had a particularly hard one at that. It’s supposed to be in the 60s here on Wednesday and I can’t tell you how excited I am , even though it’s going to be very windy. I’m hoping to be able to run outside instead of on the dreadmill. (I feel like a hamster on that thing).

I wonder some, if my desire for spring is because I’ve been in  a funk since Knox was born. I’m eager for more sunshine and the “fresh start” that spring brings. I’m anxious to start planting our garden and watch things grow. I’m ready to see bits of green on the trees and ground rather than brown and dull.

There is something about watching things around me come to life again after a long cold winter. To hear the birds singing and see the little plants poking through the ground. There is always that day when you look around and suddenly realize how green everything has become. And then there’s the first time you smell that someone has cut their grass. Unfortunately here in PW, there isn’t much grass to be cut.

I think it’s the optimistic freshness of spring that I want more than anything these days. The HOPE of something new on the horizon, the HOPE of something better, of something yet to come.


Most of the time pruning is done in winter, just before new growth begins. One of the reasons for this is because the “wound” on the tree is exposed for a shorter period of time before the new growth emerges. It seems like it’s that way with God sometimes. He prunes us just before we start growing. And He prunes those He loves. Pruning is a way to care for a tree; it prevents disease, damage, it promotes health and most importantly we prune so that trees will bear more fruit. 

John 15: 1-3
1 “I am the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser. 2 Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit, He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit, He prunes it so that it may bear more fruit. 3 You are already clean because of the word which I have spoken to you. 4 Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself unless it abides in the vine, so neither can you unless you abide in Me. 5 I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing. 6 If anyone does not abide in Me, he is thrown away as a branch and dries up; and they gather them, and cast them into the fire and they are burned. 7If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. 8 My Father is glorified by this, that you bear much fruit, and so prove to be My disciples.





God uses our trials and our winters to prune us, so that we can bear fruit. Sometimes that’s so we can bear the fruits of the spirit or the fruits of leading others to know Him.


I am so thankful that God gives us a time of renewal after a trial. That we have the opportunity to bear fruit again after being dormant. I’m thankful that He puts people in our paths to help guide us through that difficult and long winter.

I am ready for spring, I am ready for the hope that comes tomorrow.

Sneaky

It caught me this week. It snuck up on me when I thought I was doing okay. 

Last weekend marked 2 months since Knox was born. I thought I was doing okay, but I have been really angry this last week. I mean really angry. And I’m not an angry person. I’ve been angry at God for taking Knox from our family. I have been angry about women who are complaining how uncomfortable they are in their pregnancies. I have been angry at people asking for my time. My internal dialogue has not been nice or kind. Thankfully my “filter” has been engaged most of the time and the comments running through my head stay there and don’t spew angry stuff all over those around me.

I know that anger is a normal part of the grief process, but to be honest I thought I’d moved through it and it was over. I would rather be a crying mess part of the time than be an angry person. So in an effort to get some of this whole anger stuff out I’m going to share some of the things I was thinking this week.

I broke down in hot tears several times this week while I was driving to school or coming home. I would be praying to God about whatever was on my heart and it would just come bubbling up from out of nowhere. I would just let Him have it. I am angry that we had to go through this. I am angry that our family lost a child that was so wanted, desired and prayed for. I don’t understand. I know God doesn’t have to tell me and I trust that there is a purpose for our loss, but I don’t get it now and that makes me angry. I feel robbed.

I struggle with feelings like God “owes me one” because He took our son. In fact, there was one point this week as I was driving that I remember shaking my finger and saying “You owe me God.” Pretty irreverent, and totally not my call. God doesn’t owe me anything. He sent His son to die on the cross for my sins. His sinless perfect son suffered so that I could spend eternity with Him. He doesn’t own me anything…He’s already given me the best gift there is. But…it’s hard not to feel that way in my flesh.

But you know…because we’ve decided to let God plan our family it is up to Him whether we’re blessed with more children or not. As much as I don’t want to end on a failure (and it does feel like a failure), it’s not up to me. Part of trusting Him means we’re okay with it even if He doesn’t add to our family. To be honest, I’m not at that point yet. I don’t want to be done being pregnant. I don’t like the thought that my first home birth could also be my last. I’m not okay with that. I’m still learning and “discussing” this issue with God. I know it’s not my call, but I’m praying for peace.

I’ve been angry pregnant women. Something I thought would never happen. I love pregnant women. I’m angry that they get to have their pregnancies (and eventually their babies) and I don’t. I have been really irritated lately when I see or hear a pregnant woman complain about how “uncomfortable” she is or how bad it sucks to be sick. I would give anything to feel those things rather than the black hole in the middle of my chest. I really just want to grab them by their shoulders and say “Just be THANKFUL! Cherish it…You don’t know how special it is.” I get it though. I don’t blame them, it’s not their fault, but I have a different perspective. My view is jaded now.

My prayer has been this last week for God to take the anger away. And it’s still here. I don’t know why. I don’t know if it’s something that I just have to work through or if it’s to teach me another lesson (I’m guessing it’s this one). I have made the deliberate choice this last week to not let my anger affect how I treat those around me. I have prayed everyday, sometimes before I speak every sentence, for God to give me kind and compassionate words for those around me. To not let it spill over into how I interact with my children, my husband, my friends and my students. He has answered my prayer. For that I am thankful.

I have resolved to not let my anger consume me. I’m not denying that I feel it, but it will not be the only thing I feel. I have been reminded in Proverbs 16: 32 “He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, And he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city.” 


I pray that I will be restored emotionally. That I will be able to rest in Him. That the anger will go away and be replaced with the kind of peace that only God gives. I trust that God will do that for me because He loves me. I pray that one day He will bless us with another baby. That I will be able to deeply inhale the smell of my newborn child and that we will rejoice in the blessing of watching our boys welcome a sibling. But I also pray that if that isn’t His will that He will give me peace and will heal my heart. I trust that will all come in His timing. 



In the mean time though, I am praying that the anger that rages inside me will be replaced with peace and understanding. I will look at things from a different perspective. I will remember to cherish the blessings I already have. That I won’t be so anxious to look for the next one, that I forget about the ones I have right in front of me. 


Ecclesiastes 11:10

So, remove grief and anger from your heart and put away pain from your body, because childhood and the prime of life are fleeting.



I choose

A friend shared this on Facebook today and it’s kind of what I needed. I always ask my students at the beginning of each semester to do a “3 things exercise”.

They write 3 things they are proud of. 
They write their 3 biggest accomplishments. 
They write 3 rocks in their backpack (the baggage they bring to class with them, things that might prevent them from being successful in my course). 

I learn a lot about each of my students with this activity. More than anything though, I’m reminded that we all have things we’ve been blessed with, things we’re proud of and we all have rocks. Some of us have bigger rocks than others, some hide their rocks and some throw them. And some make the choice to leave their rocks behind, to set them on the side of the road and walk away, to not let their rocks weigh them down.

We have choices to make each day. We all have our rocks. We can choose to make someone’s load heavier by giving them our rocks. We do it by unloading our stresses on them, by not listening to those around us or by complaining. We do it by not being accountable for our actions and not being responsible.

We also have the opportunity to help lift the load for someone else. We can smile at them, give an encouraging word, be flexible with them. Even more…we can choose to serve them. It’s out of character for us to serve others. It’s counter-intuitive for most. But serving others can go a long way in helping them on their walk in life. It doesn’t have to be some big fancy “watch me while I serve you” kind of act. People can tell when you’re not being authentic. But it’s the little things. For example, this last week I was wheeling my cart down the hallway (I have this big cart on wheels with all my books, markers and “stuff” for class on it). I had to park it about halfway to the classroom, wade through the students lined up waiting and unlock the classroom door. One of my students pushed my cart into the classroom for me. It wasn’t a huge deal, it wasn’t a big production, but it was an act of service that impacted me. In our society it’s those little acts of service that are often missed. We’re too busy checking Facebook or texting to hold the door open for the person behind us. 
I have learned that serving others…helping them carry their rocks, helps us lighten our backpack. We are called to serve others. Galations 5:13-15 says “13 For you were called to freedom, brethren; only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. 14 For the whole Law is fulfilled in one word, in the statement, “YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.” 15 But if you bite and devour one another, take care that you are not consumed by one another.”

So…who’s load can you make lighter today? Are you willing to set your rocks down and help someone else carry theirs?

2 months

Two months ago tomorrow (Feb 3) was the day Knox was born. In many ways it seems so far away, but like it happened yesterday. It seems like we’ve had such a busy 2 months but also that time is moving slowly.

Most days are “good” days, but I think of him every day. Most nights I sleep through the night without waking up reaching for him. Most days I don’t cry out in grief to God. Most days are fairly normal…most days.

I am teaching OB this semester, I think of him often and where I would be in my pregnancy while I’m preparing my lectures. I was illustrating a point today to my students while pointing to my belly. In my mind I was thinking “this would make so much more sense if I were pregnant” and then I thought “I would be if Knox hadn’t died”. It caught me off guard in a way. I can’t talk to the students about miscarriage or pregnancy loss without stuttering or having pause. It always creates such an awkward moment.

I’ve paused more lately when someone asks me how many children I have. I thought for awhile I’d be okay saying 4, but now it seems weird to me. I always have to think a little bit about how to answer, like I’m counting in my head. Do I say 4 or 5? Does the person asking really want to know? How am I going to explain it? If I say 4, I feel a bit guilty later, like I’m leaving him out or like he wasn’t ever really part of the family. But if I say 5, there is always an uncomfortable moment for the other person and I feel badly that I shared. I’m not sure there is a right answer to the question “how many kids do you have?”…which seems weird for me to say. I mean I’m a mom, I should know how many children I have.

But which ones are enough to “count”. Do I count Knox because I gave birth to him and we got to hold him? Do I leave the other 2 children I lost in early pregnancy out (I lost a baby in October of 2003 and November of 2009)? Were they any less my children than the others I’ve had? It gets messy…and touchy for those around me. They’re uncomfortable. It would be different if I were talking about the death of a grandparent, but the loss of a child is a completely different beast. It touches a raw nerve, it hits a different part of the heart…it punches you in the gut.

I think the one of the difficult parts of losing a baby is dealing with everyone else. I don’t blame them. I mean what do you say? You can’t say “well at least they had a fulfilling life” or “What a legacy they left”. I had a stranger comment a couple weeks ago…”Oh! You have 4 boys! Are you hoping the next one is a girl?” In all honesty…I was thinking “No, I just hope the next one is born alive.” But thankfully my *filter* kicked in and I just said “Nope, we’ll take whatever we can get…besides you can’t order them anyway.”

I’m thankful though, in a way. I’m thankful that God has used this experience to grow me. He has taught me more reliance on Him and less on me. He has brought me a peace. Initially I was incredibly fearful that I wouldn’t be able to have more children or there would be lasting consequences of the D&C I had after Knox was born. But God has brought me peace to replace the anxiety. I desire more children most definitely, but I’m not worried, I’m not anxious…I’m content. I pray daily for the blessing of other children, and I pray that they will be born at term and healthy. But I don’t worry if it will happen. God told me to trust Him and I do.

God tells me in Psalm 37:7 “Rest in the LORD and wait patiently for Him:” I am resting.I am trusting. I am waiting.

God has been good to our family. God has blessed us beyond expectation. God heals us. I am thankful for His grace and His love. His timing is perfect. Even the timing of loss. 





Too much to do

This week between getting started again with classes, being home with the boys and nursing sick kiddos I haven’t had much time for writing this week. I’ve had lots going through my mind, I just couldn’t get it down on paper (or screen for that matter).

I’m exhausted. Titus and Zeke have been messing with a respiratory thing that I’ve somehow managed to get as well. You cough and hack and cough and hack. Especially at night. So that means very little sleep for them and for me.

I have a full schedule at work. I’m thankful, but the beginning of the semester is always front loaded with labs so that means more time at the office during the week. I am thankful that I got my lecture done over Thanksgiving and Christmas break so I don’t have as much prep work to do during the week.

It’s been busy at our house. I have woke up every morning this week praying for the strength and stamina to get through each day. And the Lord has provided it, I am so very thankful for that. I have purposed to spend my commute, which on the days I drive to Canon City is almost an hour, to pray instead of listen to the radio or let my mind wander. I pray for my husband, my children, my students, my co-workers and any one else God puts on my heart.

I have been thankful for the peace He has given me during my morning drive. The calm He has given over things I have anxiety about. He has reminded me this week of all the times He’s been faithful to His word and His promises. I was praying about what the future holds for our family this week. As I was pouring my heart out and telling Him what I am worried about and asking again for Him to provide for us, He reminded me how He has guided our steps and brought us right where He wants us to be. He reminded me that in bringing us to Pueblo He has brought about great changes in our life. He has grown our faith and our trust in Him. He has used our time here to bring about the belief that we should trust HIM for our family size, that we as believers are called to home school (raise our children up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord). He has brought me to a place that I would have never imagined 5 years ago in my role as a wife and mother. He has used the people that I’ve met to help me grow and teach me how to be the wife and mother God has called me to be. God brought me peace about things in my heart, telling me “Do what I’ve called you to do and I will be faithful”. I believe that.

I am continually surprised when things that I’m reading, listening to or talking about all “fit” together to reinforce what God is teaching and telling me. For example, in our Journey group we’re discussing God’s will. I heard 2 messages this week about faith building and God’s will for our lives. As I read some of my favorite blogs this week I read again about God’s will and His faithfulness. They all helped reinforce “Do what God has called you to do and He will be faithful”. TRUST GOD.

Joshua 1:9 reminds me…
9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.”



Menu for this week.

Here is what our menu looks like for this week…

Monday : Leftovers. 🙂

Tuesday: Bierock Casserole.

Wednesday : Supper at church (we have a family who makes supper for our family on Wednesday nights).

Thursday: Riccota filled shells and sauce

Friday : Meatballs or Tacos

Here’s the recipe for Bierock Casserole (Here’s a link for “What a bierock is” and a couple of recipes for the traditional bierocks…I haven’t tried either of the recipes on this link).

Bierock Casserole:

2 tubes crescent rolls

1-2lbs ground beef

1 onion

1 head cabbage, shredded or chopped into small pieces.

1-2 can cream of celery soup (I will sometime use cream of mushroom) Whether you use 1 or 2 depends on how saucy you want your bierocks. I usually use 2.

3 cups (or so…I really never measure) of cheddar cheese shredded.

Brown hamburger and onion in skillet. When done, add chopped cabbage and allow cabbage to cook down a bit (I will usually put a lid on my skillet so that it kind of  cabbage). In another bowl mix the soup (undiluted if you’re using condensed) and cheddar cheese. We like ours kind of cheesy so I usually use 3 handfuls of cheese.
In a 9×13 skillet press together one of the tubes of crescent rolls for a bottom crust. Then layer hamburger mixture and then the soup mixture. Put the other tube of crescent roll dough on top (I’m not a huge stickler for making sure it’s all pushed together, but it looks nice). Bake in 350 oven for about 20-25 minutes or until the crescent rolls are golden brown.

So a couple things…I don’t really measure much of anything when I cook. I figure my great grandmother used her hands (I have a number of recipes that say “2-3 handfuls” or something similar) so I can too. Our boys like meat so I usually use the 2 lbs hamburger. If my skillet gets too full when putting the cabbage in, I’ll take out some of the hamburger and onions and mix it in with the soup and cheese. It’s all going the same place anyway…If you prefer “crunchier” cabbage you don’t have to steam it at all, but in our house if it’s crunchy, it resembles salad too much and I have a harder time getting little boys to eat it. 🙂

We used to have bierocks for lunch at school. We had the BEST lunch ladies ever! And the more I find out about what public school kids are eating for lunch these days the more thankful I am to have grown up in a small town in Kansas where they actually cooked for us every day. The bierocks are so good that a couple of years ago when Kerry and I were visiting we went and ate lunch with his mom in our gradeschool cafeteria for the bierocks. It was the full deal…lunch trays and milk cartons. It was fantastic. If you want to serve it Goessel Grade school style…you’ll need to complete the meal with pickles, corn, pudding and possibly an oatmeal raisin cookie. Chocolate milk is totally optional.

Trust Me

I had a break through moment this week while I was on my way to work. It was more of a “duh” moment, but I still call it a break through.

On my way to work each morning sometimes I’ll listen to a sermon on the radio or I’ll pray. On Tuesday morning…making it to work by 0700(!) I chose to pray. First let me say that getting to work at 7am is quite a feat for me…most of you know that I am not even close to being a morning person so I was a little grumpy. I prayed for my husband and children. I prayed for the students returning next week and my co-workers. I also prayed for my lousy attitude. I was grumpy and I was feeling sorry for myself. For some reason going back for faculty week this last week was harder than I anticipated. I was close to tears more than once and my emotions have been hovering just under the surface all week.

So as I turned onto Pueblo boulevard my prayers turned to myself and my attitude. I prayed for my heart and my mouth to have the right response to those around me. I prayed for the stamina to make it through another semester on overload and trying to “do it all”. I prayed for healing in my heart and in my body. I prayed for another baby. I (we) long to have more children, not to replace Knox but because we desire God’s blessing for our family. While I want more babies, I have been fearful about being pregnant again. I’ve been fearful that I wouldn’t be able to enjoy another pregnancy because I’d worry about it ending tragically. I have been afraid that I wouldn’t be able to “trust my body” to carry another healthy pregnancy, much less be able to birth another baby at home. There is a condition called Asherman’s syndrome that is something I have been particularly fearful of. It happens after a D&C (which I had to remove the placenta after Knox was born) and can affect the ability to get pregnant again in the future. I didn’t think I could trust pregnancy again. So I prayed.

As I turned into City Park I told God my fears exactly as I feel them . When I’ve prayed in the past, I’ve simply prayed “God please bless our family again, please let me heal and let me carry another baby in my womb”. But on this morning I laid it on the line (like He didn’t already know). But I told him my fears, specifically my fears and my issue with trusting my body and pregnancy. Somewhere around the Llamas,  I said “God I’m afraid I won’t be able to trust my body again. And I’m afraid I won’t be able to trust pregnancy again” God said…get this…very clearly He said…”YOU DON’T HAVE TO TRUST THOSE THINGS.” And then He paused, as if for effect…and I slowly got it. DUH! (I think I actually said it out loud to be honest…and I probably hit the steering wheel at that). “It’s not my body or a pregnancy, or the idea of it, that I have to trust…IT’S GOD I have to trust.” I have to trust Him that He’s going to bless me as He sees fit and I have to trust that whatever happens, whether than includes me getting pregnant and having another baby or not, God is in control. I felt like such an idiot, call me a slow learner. God’s been telling me all along to “TRUST ME” when I’ve prayed about more children or about what *might* happen in the future.

As I thought about it and turned it over to God…as I began to really TRUST Him, the fear and anxiety started to lift. If bits of that fear would try to sneak in again, I would just say “I trust you.” and it goes away. I am so thankful for that. Trust isn’t something that comes easily to me, but over and over again God has proved that He is trustworthy. He loves me, He knows the longing of my heart, He sees the “big picture” and He is in charge. He is sovereign, He doesn’t have to tell me why Knox died or why I’ve gone through this, but I trust that He has a reason and that it will be used for His glory. I have to TRUST and be willing to be used (which means I have to listen too).

I am working on memorizing several verses about trust. I’m also thinking of taping them to my forehead on bad days. 🙂 TRUST ME.

Psalm 37:5
Commit your way to the LORD, Trust also in Him, and He will do it.


Psalm 56:3
When I am afraid, I will put my trust in You. 


Psalm 56:11
In God I have put my trust, I shall not be afraid. What can man do to me?


Psalm 115:11
You who fear the LORD, trust in the LORD; He is their help and their shield.


Psalm 143:8
Let me hear Your lovingkindness in the morning; For I trust in You; Teach me the way in which I should walk; For to You I lift up my soul.


Proverbs 3:5
Trust in the LORD with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding.


Proverbs 16:20
He who gives attention to the word will find good, And blessed is he who trusts in the LORD.


Isaiah 12:2
“Behold, God is my salvation, I will trust and not be afraid; For the LORD GOD is my strength and song, And He has become my salvation.”


Isaiah 26:4
“ Trust in the LORD forever, For in GOD the LORD, we have an everlasting Rock.


Jeremiah 17:7
“ Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD And whose trust is the LORD.







Hey Good Looking! Whatcha got cookin?

Well…I’ve revised our menu list for our meal rotations. I’m including the link below. I have about 36 recipes or so which allows for us to have 4-5 “new” meals a week with 2-3 nights for left overs. I haven’t divided the meals up into 2 week groups yet (I like to do my shopping every 2 weeks, so I plan my menus accordingly). I plan on doing that this next week. THEN I’d like Kerry to use his excel prowess to help me make a list that will automatically totally all of my ingredients on to a master shopping list.

The ingredient list that I included with these menus are ingredients I know I should check my stock for and make a note to purchase if I don’t have them, it’s not an all inclusive list. You’ll see I also put where I can find the recipes for some of the meals and if there isn’t a source…it’s in my brain. 🙂 I’ll try to share a new recipe each week from our menu list and some others that I’ve tried.

So hopefully this will help get you started if you’re in a rut. Happy Cooking!

Rosfeld Family Master Meal List

Tough Road

I met someone yesterday who helped put things in perspective for me. I have no idea what her name was, but she had a profound impact on my attitude.

We were out to eat as a family yesterday for lunch. A woman carrying an infant carrier asked us to keep an eye on her baby while she grabbed a high chair and we gladly did it. As I was admiring her baby I asked how old she was and the mother said “3 months”. The baby girl was quite small for a 3 month old and being the nosy mom I am, I asked if the baby was born premature. Her mom said “no, but she was only 4lbs 10oz at birth…because I was on chemo while I was pregnant.” I was stunned at the mother’s frankness about it all, but also her very positive attitude. She went on “I was diagnosed with breast cancer right after I got pregnant and had a double mastectomy and chemotherapy while I was pregnant so she was born small, but healthy. Now I’m in Pueblo for radiation today so we thought we’d eat out as a family after I was done”. Double shocked.

We continued our conversation a bit about the baby’s name and our 4 boys and the rest of her family (her husband and 8 year old son joined her a bit later at the table). The boys oogled the little girl (and so did Kerry and I). She was adorable, just like a porcelain doll. Tiny hands and features…she was a joy to behold.

When we were walking out to the car I couldn’t help but thank God for his blessing for my pregnancies, my health and the health of my children. I can’t imagine walking the road this woman and her family were on. The joy of being pregnant being overshadowed by a cancer diagnosis, surgery and then radiation. This woman, and her husband for that matter, had every right to be bitter, angry and scared. Instead she was incredibly positive and very delighted in her child. Kerry and I were talking about how difficult it must be and Kerry added…I can’t imagine how her husband must feel. To be faced with the challenges he must have as a father.

Everyone has their own tough road and the blessings that sometimes go along with it. It’s often difficult to imagine what the other person’s road must be like…we make it down our own by the grace of God, but I often find myself thinking that if it were me walking her path it might be too much for me to bear. I am thankful for the strength God has given me and the guidance He provides daily. He is faithful.

As we start a new year with new experiences and a new perspective I am reminded again of the promise I have from God….

Proverbs 3

5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart 
And do not lean on your own understanding. 
6 In all your ways acknowledge Him, 
And He will make your paths straight.