February 2012 – Fillingquiver

Stuff your husband needs to hear and we don't

Loving husbands is hard. But I would bet so is loving wives. We are called to respect our husbands. I posted about respecting our husbands in my leave and cleave posts.

I have been so disappointed to see and hear the way young ladies and wives treat their husbands. When we talk to our sons about choosing a wife (yes we do and they’re only 7 and 9), we encourage them to watch how their perspective bride talks to the men in her life. The way she talks to her father or brothers before she’s married is a good indication of how she’ll talk to her husband when she’s married.

Ephesians 5:33 says “However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” (ESV)

Please notice that it doesn’t say “respect him when he earns it” or “respect him only if he makes you feel loved”. It says respect him. So many women today are bent on making their husbands earn the respect, but I’ll tell you ladies…I wouldn’t want to wait to feel loved until he decided I was lovable. Because some days, quite frankly, I’m not.

After hearing yet another young wife berate her husband in public, I decided to write a list of things you should say to your husband, boyfriend, fiance’ and in some cases even your father. Remember, you’re practicing submission and respect while you’re still living at home.

Say:
“I’m so thankful you can do well”

Don’t say:
“You never do anything right.”

Say:
“Thank you for doing today. It really helped a lot”

Don’t say:
“Did you get done today?” or “Why didn’t get done?”

Say:
“I’m so blessed to have a husband/father/son/ etc like you”

Don’t say:
“Ugh! You’ve got to be kidding me!”

Say:
“What can I do for you today?”

Don’t say:
“I don’t have time to do that.”

Say (to others about him):
“Isn’t he great at ?” or “I don’t know what I’d do without him”

Don’t say:
“He always does ” or “I hate it when he .

I encourage you this week to try to say things that will build up the man in your life. Say them to his face and in front of others. Let him know that you really mean it, make a choice to respect him and show him that respect. Serve him, don’t look to him to serve you all the time. Remember when you say negative things about your husband to others and then you forgive him…they rarely do. All they remember are the negative things you’ve said and they’re going to have a negative impression of him when you reconcile.

Something else to remember ladies…you wouldn’t want your husband/father airing all your faults and short comings to his friends, co-workers and random people in public. So don’t do it to him. We all have faults and none of us like them being advertised to others. You may think you’re “just venting” or letting off steam, but you’re disrespecting your husband/father. I have been on the receiving end of women who unloaded to me about their husbands/fathers…I promise you it wasn’t him that I had the poor impression of.

Remember to respect your man, show him and others that you respect him. You expect him to love you so you respect him.

New Recipe Monday

I have a busy day ahead. So busy in fact, that the boys did their schoolwork for today already last Friday because I knew there was no way we were going to get to it. Our youngest has a doctor appointment this morning at 10:45. I don’t know why I made the appointment for so late in the morning, it completely cuts up our day. Then it’s off to buy a few groceries that I didn’t pick up this weekend, post office and to the cell phone place to deal with some things there. I’m hoping we’ll be able to meet Daddy for lunch today since we’ll be out and about.
I have our menus planned out for the next two weeks, complete with notes about when to take meat out of the freezer (I’ve been forgetting lately and I don’t like to defrost it in the microwave). I prepared this crockpot dish last night and put it in the fridge. I turned it on this morning and by evening we should have a nice warm dinner waiting for us.
It’s a new recipe for our family and I’m excited to try it. I really like sauerkraut. I think this soup will go nicely with some wheat bread or dark rye. If I have time I’ll make some in the bread machine I got from my Grandma Quiring (Thank you!).
6 c. Chicken broth (I used 8 cup water)
2 cans cream of mushroom soup
2 (bigger lengths) of Polish or Kielbasa sausage cooked and sliced
4 stalks celery, chopped
1 green pepper, chopped (I didn’t have green, so I used red)
2 med onions, chopped
4 potatoes, chopped (I used 6 so I could use up the last few in the bag)
4 carrots, chopped
16oz mushrooms, sliced (I omitted these, they just didn’t sound good for this soup)
2 cans sauerkraut drained (I wish I would have had homemade, but used canned)
1/2 tsp pepper
2 tsp dill weed.
Cook on low 10 hours.

Picky picky

I have picky eaters in my family. In fact, as we speak one of my older children has been sitting at the table for the last hour and half trying to choke down his dinner. I’m at a loss. I don’t want to raise my children to be ungrateful for the food they’ve been given or to be wasteful. We want them to be appreciative of the person making the food. But this is the second time this week we’ve had this struggle.

We have tried a number of strategies when it comes to eating. We’ve tried taking away snack and dessert after supper if you don’t finish, or at the very least eat as many bites as you are years old. We’ve tried taking away privileges, or sitting at the table until said amount has been eaten, there were nights we sat at the table until bedtime.

So for the last year or so we’ve had a “veto” rule in our house. Every member gets one veto food. That means they don’t have to eat it if mom makes it. They don’t get to complain about how it smells, or that they hate it, or that everyone else is eating it and it’s grossing them out. They just don’t have to eat it. The veto food can’t change, except for once a year on their birthday. Otherwise, we’d have a new veto food every week. Our current veto foods are Mom: Carrots (I was made to eat them as a child, but have never liked them, I do eat them once a year just to make sure). Gabe: Green beans, Otto: Verenika, Zeke : Onions (although he’ll eat them if he doesn’t know they’re in something), Titus: We haven’t found anything he won’t really eat yet. Dad eats everything even if he doesn’t like it so he doesn’t have a veto food.

The veto system has cut down on the number of struggles we have at dinner time about what to eat and the expectations when we’re eating, BUT it hasn’t ended them completely.

For the record we don’t make them eat everything on their plates, at minimum they eat as many bites as they are years old and I don’t make wild exotic foods that no one would like. I make regular stuff like fajitas, stir fry, chicken casseroles and grilled cheese.

I don’t want them to be served a dinner that someone (me, dad, grandma or future wife etc) worked hard to prepare and turn their nose up at it and then ask for a peanut butter sandwich. Not only that but I don’t want to raise a kid who only eats 3 foods by the time they’re 20. I mean seriously did you see the article about the girl who only eats chicken nuggets?

I also don’t do the “if they don’t eat they go hungry” stuff either. Something about it just doesn’t sit right with me.”They” say you have to introduce foods 21 times before kids acquire a taste for them. But I’m not sure I believe “them”. I’m really not sure what the solution is here or even if there is one.

So what are your solutions for picky eaters? I need suggestions.

Spring

I am so ready for spring it’s not even funny. I don’t know why, but I’m sick of winter and we haven’t even had a particularly hard one at that. It’s supposed to be in the 60s here on Wednesday and I can’t tell you how excited I am , even though it’s going to be very windy. I’m hoping to be able to run outside instead of on the dreadmill. (I feel like a hamster on that thing).

I wonder some, if my desire for spring is because I’ve been in a funk since Knox was born. I’m eager for more sunshine and the “fresh start” that spring brings. I’m anxious to start planting our garden and watch things grow. I’m ready to see bits of green on the trees and ground rather than brown and dull.

There is something about watching things around me come to life again after a long cold winter. To hear the birds singing and see the little plants poking through the ground. There is always that day when you look around and suddenly realize how green everything has become. And then there’s the first time you smell that someone has cut their grass. Unfortunately here in PW, there isn’t much grass to be cut.

I think it’s the optimistic freshness of spring that I want more than anything these days. The HOPE of something new on the horizon, the HOPE of something better, of something yet to come.

Most of the time pruning is done in winter, just before new growth begins. One of the reasons for this is because the “wound” on the tree is exposed for a shorter period of time before the new growth emerges. It seems like it’s that way with God sometimes. He prunes us just before we start growing. And He prunes those He loves. Pruning is a way to care for a tree; it prevents disease, damage, it promotes health and most importantly we prune so that trees will bear more fruit.

John 15: 1-3
¹ “I am the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser. ² Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit, He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit, He prunes it so that it may bear more fruit. ³ You are already clean because of the word which I have spoken to you. ⁴ Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself unless it abides in the vine, so neither can you unless you abide in Me. ⁵ I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing. ⁶ If anyone does not abide in Me, he is thrown away as a branch and dries up; and they gather them, and cast them into the fire and they are burned. ⁷If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. ⁸ My Father is glorified by this, that you bear much fruit, and so prove to be My disciples.

God uses our trials and our winters to prune us, so that we can bear fruit. Sometimes that’s so we can bear the fruits of the spirit or the fruits of leading others to know Him.

I am so thankful that God gives us a time of renewal after a trial. That we have the opportunity to bear fruit again after being dormant. I’m thankful that He puts people in our paths to help guide us through that difficult and long winter.

I am ready for spring, I am ready for the hope that comes tomorrow.

Be Quiet

I was thumbing through my Bible this week and stopped in the book of Luke. In chapter 1 it talks about Zacharias being made mute because he didn’t believe that his wife (Elizabeth) would have a child. But the interesting thing to me wasn’t so much that he couldn’t speak, but that he still couldn’t speak right after the birth…his mouth wasn’t opened for 8 days until after his son (John the Baptist) was born (on the day his some was circumcised).

Can you imagine going 10 months without talking? And back then it’s not like he could just type out his thoughts quickly on a keyboard. The time he must have had to think. Not only that but the time his wife must have had to think, I mean the house would have been pretty quiet. (She also kept herself in seclusion for 5 months after becoming pregnant).

What do you think the first words you would say be after not talking for 10 months and after witnessing the birth of your first child? Zacharias had time to think about what he was going to say. He could have been making a list of all the people he wanted to set straight, or he could have wanted to tell his wife and son how much he loved them. But he didn’t. He praised God. Seriously. After being made mute by God, he praised him right after he got his voice back.

Luke 1:59-64
⁵⁹ And it happened that on the eighth day they came to circumcise the child, and they were going to call him Zacharias, after his father. ⁶⁰ But his mother answered and said, “No indeed; but he shall be called John.” ⁶¹ And they said to her, “There is no one among your relatives who is called by that name.” ⁶² And they made signs to his father, as to what he wanted him called. ⁶³ And he asked for a tablet and wrote as follows, “His name is John.” And they were all astonished. ⁶⁴ And at once his mouth was opened and his tongue loosed, and he began to speak in praise of God.

I’m not sure why, but as I read and it hit me. I started to think about being quiet. Are there times when God is just telling me to be quiet? Be still and listen, think, pray. I’m not the quietest person, but I’m learning to be. I tend to be a verbal processor when it comes to big decisions or even thinking about big decisions. I have to talk about it, and sometimes I have to talk it to death.

But it seems like God has been teaching me lately to be quiet. To just bite my tongue, sometimes literally, listen and wait. There are times when I’ll bring an issue up to Kerry and God will tell me “okay, you’ve said your piece now be quiet”. My mouth comes open to say something and I’m reminded again “shhh. You’ve already said that.” So I keep it to myself. It’s been interesting to watch how God works when I’m willing to be quiet. Often times He’ll resolve the situation without me ever having to say another word.

The other thing about the story of Zacharias though, is that when he could speak again he PRAISED God. Interesting. It struck me, how quick am I to praise God? When I pray, do I praise Him or do I just go right into my list of wants, concerns and worries? When those issues that I’ve been so quiet about are resolved or prayers are answered…do I immediately praise Him? I might say “thank you”, but praise is so much more than that I think. Praise is reflected not only in our prayers and with our mouths, but is also reflected in our lives a
nd actions.

The story also reminded me that every good and perfect gift comes from God (James 1:17). And convicted me that I should be more thankful for those things that come from Him. When I open my mouth, I should open it with praise for my God, even when things are difficult.

Sneaky

It caught me this week. It snuck up on me when I thought I was doing okay.

Last weekend marked 2 months since Knox was born. I thought I was doing okay, but I have been really angry this last week. I mean really angry. And I’m not an angry person. I’ve been angry at God for taking Knox from our family. I have been angry about women who are complaining how uncomfortable they are in their pregnancies. I have been angry at people asking for my time. My internal dialogue has not been nice or kind. Thankfully my “filter” has been engaged most of the time and the comments running through my head stay there and don’t spew angry stuff all over those around me.

I know that anger is a normal part of the grief process, but to be honest I thought I’d moved through it and it was over. I would rather be a crying mess part of the time than be an angry person. So in an effort to get some of this whole anger stuff out I’m going to share some of the things I was thinking this week.

I broke down in hot tears several times this week while I was driving to school or coming home. I would be praying to God about whatever was on my heart and it would just come bubbling up from out of nowhere. I would just let Him have it. I am angry that we had to go through this. I am angry that our family lost a child that was so wanted, desired and prayed for. I don’t understand. I know God doesn’t have to tell me and I trust that there is a purpose for our loss, but I don’t get it now and that makes me angry. I feel robbed.

I struggle with feelings like God “owes me one” because He took our son. In fact, there was one point this week as I was driving that I remember shaking my finger and saying “You owe me God.” Pretty irreverent, and totally not my call. God doesn’t owe me anything. He sent His son to die on the cross for my sins. His sinless perfect son suffered so that I could spend eternity with Him. He doesn’t own me anything…He’s already given me the best gift there is. But…it’s hard not to feel that way in my flesh.

But you know…because we’ve decided to let God plan our family it is up to Him whether we’re blessed with more children or not. As much as I don’t want to end on a failure (and it does feel like a failure), it’s not up to me. Part of trusting Him means we’re okay with it even if He doesn’t add to our family. To be honest, I’m not at that point yet. I don’t want to be done being pregnant. I don’t like the thought that my first home birth could also be my last. I’m not okay with that. I’m still learning and “discussing” this issue with God. I know it’s not my call, but I’m praying for peace.

I’ve been angry pregnant women. Something I thought would never happen. I love pregnant women. I’m angry that they get to have their pregnancies (and eventually their babies) and I don’t. I have been really irritated lately when I see or hear a pregnant woman complain about how “uncomfortable” she is or how bad it sucks to be sick. I would give anything to feel those things rather than the black hole in the middle of my chest. I really just want to grab them by their shoulders and say “Just be THANKFUL! Cherish it…You don’t know how special it is.” I get it though. I don’t blame them, it’s not their fault, but I have a different perspective. My view is jaded now.

My prayer has been this last week for God to take the anger away. And it’s still here. I don’t know why. I don’t know if it’s something that I just have to work through or if it’s to teach me another lesson (I’m guessing it’s this one). I have made the deliberate choice this last week to not let my anger affect how I treat those around me. I have prayed everyday, sometimes before I speak every sentence, for God to give me kind and compassionate words for those around me. To not let it spill over into how I interact with my children, my husband, my friends and my students. He has answered my prayer. For that I am thankful.

I have resolved to not let my anger consume me. I’m not denying that I feel it, but it will not be the only thing I feel. I have been reminded in Proverbs 16: 32 “He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, And he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city.”

I pray that I will be restored emotionally. That I will be able to rest in Him. That the anger will go away and be replaced with the kind of peace that only God gives. I trust that God will do that for me because He loves me. I pray that one day He will bless us with another baby. That I will be able to deeply inhale the smell of my newborn child and that we will rejoice in the blessing of watching our boys welcome a sibling. But I also pray that if that isn’t His will that He will give me peace and will heal my heart. I trust that will all come in His timing.

In the mean time though, I am praying that the anger that rages inside me will be replaced with peace and understanding. I will look at things from a different perspective. I will remember to cherish the blessings I already have. That I won’t be so anxious to look for the next one, that I forget about the ones I have right in front of me.

Ecclesiastes 11:10

So, remove grief and anger from your heart and put away pain from your body, because childhood and the prime of life are fleeting.

I choose

A friend shared this on Facebook today and it’s kind of what I needed. I always ask my students at the beginning of each semester to do a “3 things exercise”.

They write 3 things they are proud of.

They write their 3 biggest accomplishments.

They write 3 rocks in their backpack (the baggage they bring to class with them, things that might prevent them from being successful in my course).

I learn a lot about each of my students with this activity. More than anything though, I’m reminded that we all have things we’ve been blessed with, things we’re proud of and we all have rocks. Some of us have bigger rocks than others, some hide their rocks and some throw them. And some make the choice to leave their rocks behind, to set them on the side of the road and walk away, to not let their rocks weigh them down.

We have choices to make each day. We all have our rocks. We can choose to make someone’s load heavier by giving them our rocks. We do it by unloading our stresses on them, by not listening to those around us or by complaining. We do it by not being accountable for our actions and not being responsible.

We also have the opportunity to help lift the load for someone else. We can smile at them, give an encouraging word, be flexible with them. Even more…we can choose to serve them. It’s out of character for us to serve others. It’s counter-intuitive for most. But serving others can go a long way in helping them on their walk in life. It doesn’t have to be some big fancy “watch me while I serve you” kind of act. People can tell when you’re not being authentic. But it’s the little things. For example, this last week I was wheeling my cart down the hallway (I have this big cart on wheels with all my books, markers and “stuff” for class on it). I had to park it about halfway to the classroom, wade through the students lined up waiting and unlock the classroom door. One of my students pushed my cart into the classroom for me. It wasn’t a huge deal, it wasn’t a big production, but it was an act of service that impacted me. In our society it’s those little acts of service that are often missed. We’re too busy checking Facebook or texting to hold the door open for the person behind us.

I have learned that serving others…helping them carry their rocks, helps us lighten our backpack. We are called to serve others. Galations 5:13-15 says “¹³ For you were called to freedom, brethren; only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. ¹⁴ For the whole Law is fulfilled in one word, in the statement, “YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.” ¹⁵ But if you bite and devour one another, take care that you are not consumed by one another.”

So…who’s load can you make lighter today? Are you willing to set your rocks down and help someone else carry theirs?

2 months

Two months ago tomorrow (Feb 3) was the day Knox was born. In many ways it seems so far away, but like it happened yesterday. It seems like we’ve had such a busy 2 months but also that time is moving slowly.

Most days are “good” days, but I think of him every day. Most nights I sleep through the night without waking up reaching for him. Most days I don’t cry out in grief to God. Most days are fairly normal…most days.

I am teaching OB this semester, I think of him often and where I would be in my pregnancy while I’m preparing my lectures. I was illustrating a point today to my students while pointing to my belly. In my mind I was thinking “this would make so much more sense if I were pregnant” and then I thought “I would be if Knox hadn’t died”. It caught me off guard in a way. I can’t talk to the students about miscarriage or pregnancy loss without stuttering or having pause. It always creates such an awkward moment.

I’ve paused more lately when someone asks me how many children I have. I thought for awhile I’d be okay saying 4, but now it seems weird to me. I always have to think a little bit about how to answer, like I’m counting in my head. Do I say 4 or 5? Does the person asking really want to know? How am I going to explain it? If I say 4, I feel a bit guilty later, like I’m leaving him out or like he wasn’t ever really part of the family. But if I say 5, there is always an uncomfortable moment for the other person and I feel badly that I shared. I’m not sure there is a right answer to the question “how many kids do you have?”…which seems weird for me to say. I mean I’m a mom, I should know how many children I have.

But which ones are enough to “count”. Do I count Knox because I gave birth to him and we got to hold him? Do I leave the other 2 children I lost in early pregnancy out (I lost a baby in October of 2003 and November of 2009)? Were they any less my children than the others I’ve had? It gets messy…and touchy for those around me. They’re uncomfortable. It would be different if I were talking about the death of a grandparent, but the loss of a child is a completely different beast. It touches a raw nerve, it hits a different part of the heart…it punches you in the gut.

I think the one of the difficult parts of losing a baby is dealing with everyone else. I don’t blame them. I mean what do you say? You can’t say “well at least they had a fulfilling life” or “What a legacy they left”. I had a stranger comment a couple weeks ago…”Oh! You have 4 boys! Are you hoping the next one is a girl?” In all honesty…I was thinking “No, I just hope the next one is born alive.” But thankfully my *filter* kicked in and I just said “Nope, we’ll take whatever we can get…besides you can’t order them anyway.”

I’m thankful though, in a way. I’m thankful that God has used this experience to grow me. He has taught me more reliance on Him and less on me. He has brought me a peace. Initially I was incredibly fearful that I wouldn’t be able to have more children or there would be lasting consequences of the D&C I had after Knox was born. But God has brought me peace to replace the anxiety. I desire more children most definitely, but I’m not worried, I’m not anxious…I’m content. I pray daily for the blessing of other children, and I pray that they will be born at term and healthy. But I don’t worry if it will happen. God told me to trust Him and I do.

God tells me in Psalm 37:7 “Rest in the LORD and wait patiently for Him:” I am resting.I am trusting. I am waiting.

God has been good to our family. God has blessed us beyond expectation. God heals us. I am thankful for His grace and His love. His timing is perfect. Even the timing of loss.