Tag: November

I am not strong

I am just like you. Going through the loss of our son Knox in December and Lily this last weekend does not make me strong. It makes me reliant on God.
The loss of my children has brought me to my knees. It has shaken the very core of who I am in some respects and has made me question why God allowed this to happen to our family. Before I lost my children, I felt sorry for women who experienced loss  and wondered how they were even upright and talking. I couldn’t imagine what that mourning must be like and I was sure I could never endure it. When Knox died that little wall of safety during pregnancy came crashing down and completely shocked me. I grieved not only the loss of my child, but the loss of my security too.
When Lily died, I wasn’t naive enough to believe that there was that magical “safe” point in my pregnancy. I knew it could happen. But it doesn’t make the hurt any less. I still grieve the loss of my child, the rest of my pregnancy, her birth and watching her grow up. I grieve the loss of inhaling deep the smell of a new life, cuddling that tiny warm body and staring in awe at her beautiful face while she sleeps. In my selfishness, I even grieve the fact that I have spent about 6 months in the first trimester…the morning sickness, the food aversions, the just feeling rotten and I have nothing to show for it except the ashes of my children. It isn’t fair, I don’t understand it and I grieve.
The loss though, and my ability to endure it has nothing to do with me.

I am weak.

I have moments where I just don’t think I can go on. I get so angry at the unfairness of it all. I have struggled with bitterness towards women who got to have babies they didn’t want and complained about when they got pregnant. I have struggled with bitterness towards the joy of others. I am ashamed to say how many times I have wanted someone to hurt just as bad as I have. But my mourning shouldn’t take away someone else’s joy. My grief is my journey. It is a journey I am on as a mother, but I am not alone.
The loss of my children has brought me to the point where I realize there is no one left for me to rely on but God. Only God can share my grief, only God can help me reconcile my feelings and forgive. Only God can give me the strength to take one step after another. No one else. Not Kerry, with all his leadership, love and compassion can identify with what I feel down deep inside. Not my children or future pregnancies will redeem the feelings of bitterness and anger I have felt. Only God.

Psalm 121: 1-4

1 I will lift up my eyes to the mountains;

From where shall my help come?

2 My help comes from the Lord,

Who made heaven and earth.

3 He will not allow your foot to slip;

He who keeps you will not slumber.

4 Behold, He who keeps Israel

Will neither slumber nor sleep.

My reliance on God is the only thing that has allowed me to continue on this journey. The help from my God, is what enables me to wake up every morning without crumbling under the tremendous weight of my grief.

Jesus has conquered the pain of this world. Because we still live in a fallen world full of sin, we still experience the pain and grief of losing loved ones. BUT…Jesus has conquered the world and all the pain in it. We may not experience freedom from that pain in this life, but we will certainly experience it when we die if we trust in Christ as our Lord and Savior.

John 16:33

33 These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world.”

We will have tribulation, but we are to be courageous, we are to be peaceful because Jesus has overcome this world. That is where my hope comes from, that is where I draw strength to move from day to day. I still hurt, I still get angry, but I give those feelings to God. I ask for His strength. Not strength to make it through the month, the week or even the day. I ask for the strength I need to make it through the next hour, sometimes the next minute or next conversation. And He delivers. He doesn’t often give me more than what I need, but He never gives me less than what I need.

Psalm 16: 1-2

1 Preserve me, O God, for I take refuge in You.

2 I said to the Lord, “You are my Lord;

I have no good besides You.”

I choose to walk daily trusting in God for the strength I need. God has a purpose for these challenges, I know that He is using this journey to make me into the woman He wants me to be. I surrender daily to His will, even if I don’t understand. It is His strength, not mine that allows me to make that choice and move forward one step at a time.

May 18, 2012

Today is a significant day. Today was the day Knox was due. Today is also the day we found out our daughter Lillian Faith has died.
We have been praying for her from before her conception. We prayed fervently for her life, her growth and her soul. This week we were told she had a chromosomal defect called Turner Syndrome, meaning she was missing a sex chromosome. 99% of the babies with Turner syndrome die before they reach term. We were praying our daughter was in the 1% who survive.
We were hopeful because she wasn’t showing signs of distress, such as fluid build up around her organs or in her brain  and she didn’t seem to have heart dysrhythmias. We heard her heartbeat for the last time on Tuesday morning when Kerry and I listened together before he went to work.
I have “had a feeling” the last 2 days that something was amiss, but I dismissed it as paranoia and anxiety because I was approaching the same time in my pregnancy when I lost Knox. My very understanding doctor said I could come in any time to have heart tones checked and check on baby. I went in this morning while Kerry took the boys to the park.
We searched for the heart beat with the doppler initially and when we didn’t find it, we did a sonogram. There was our perfect baby, her only movement was with my pulse and no heart beat. My heart is broken. I feel so numb, so wronged and so empty.
We have elected to have an induction tomorrow morning. I could have surgery instead, but I want the opportunity to hold my daughter. I want the option to look on her face and not just an outline from a sonogram. My heart needs that. We ask for prayers for a quick, safe and uncomplicated birth. My birth with Knox was fraught with complications after he was born and I would like to avoid that again. I am also praying for compassionate nurses.
We don’t know medically why Knox died. We didn’t have chromosome studies (as we already had 4 healthy boys) and there was nothing obviously wrong after he was born. We know medically why Lillian has died, but it doesn’t make it easier. We don’t know why God has taken either of them, why we are walking through such sorrow. We don’t know any of it. But we have to trust that He has a purpose. I may not know it for years, I may never know why. But I believe God has a purpose. I believe that He knew the outcome of this pregnancy from the moment He created it, when He was knitting our daughter together in my womb.
My grief is deep, my pain is intense. I get angry at the injustice of it all. I am jealous of the mothers who will get to hold their babies today, while I will sit with empty arms for a second time in 6 months. It seems unfair, it seems cruel, it seems so very wrong. But we believe that God is faithful, we believe that He loves us and the children He has created. We believe that He will carry us through and give us strength.
I am reminded after Job suffered terrible losses of family and property. Job 1 20-22
20 Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head, and he fell to the ground and worshiped. 21 He said,

“ Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
And naked I shall return there.
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.”

22 Through all this Job did not sin nor did he blame God.
 
 
 

Scattered

Very little of what I’m thinking and feelings seems like it can be put into a cohesive thought today. I find myself oscillating between grief and joy, fear and peace, being “okay” and crumbling in despair. I can’t quite make sense of it all and instead I’ve scribbled one liner thoughts today. I want to flesh them out a bit and make them make sense. To explore them and find out where they go in my mind. So instead, I’ll share some of the verses I’ve been reading and meditating on the last few days.

Psalm 18 : 30-31

30 As for God, His way is  blameless;

The word of the Lord is tried;

He is a shield to all who take refuge in Him.

31 For who is God, but the Lord?

And who is a rock, except our God.


Psalm 13:5-6

5 But I have trusted in Your lovingkindness;

My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation.

6 I will sing to the Lord,

Because He has dealt bountifully with me.

 

Lamentations 3:19-26

19 Remember my affliction and my wandering, the wormwood and bitterness.

20 Surely my soul remembers

And is bowed down within me.

21 This I recall to my mind,

Therefore I have hope.

22 The Lord’s lovingkindnesses indeed never cease,

For His compassions never fail.

23 They are new every morning;

Great is Your faithfulness.

24 “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,

“Therefore I have hope in Him.”

25 The Lord is good to those who wait for Him,

To the person who seeks Him.

26 It is good that he waits silently

For the salvation of the Lord.

31-38

31 For the Lord will not reject forever,

32 For if He causes grief,

Then He will have compassion

According to His abundant lovingkindness.

33 For He does not afflict [j]willingly

Or grieve the sons of men.

34 To crush under His feet

All the prisoners of the land,

35 To deprive a man of justice

In the presence of the Most High,

36 To  defraud a man in his lawsuit—

Of these things the Lord does not approve.

37 Who is there who speaks and it comes to pass,

Unless the Lord has commanded it?

38 Is it not from the mouth of the Most High

That  both good and ill go forth?

 

Philippians 4: 6-9

6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

8 Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. 9 The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

 
Please continue to pray for our precious daughter Lillian. That she will live to be born at term (in November) with a healthy heart.

Her name

Long ago in a world far far away, when Kerry and I were dating we picked baby names. We knew we were getting married, we hoped for children and we had a long drive back to Manhattan from visiting home. The wedding planning was done, so we talked baby names.
We were married when we were 19 and our first son was born 17 months later in November. We used the first boy name we had on our list. Gabriel David was born on November 22, 2002. He was born 3 weeks early because I had a pregnancy induced rash that was miserable! He weighed 7 lbs 1 oz and was 20 3/4 inches long.

Two years and a day later our second son Otto Daniel was born on November 23, 2004. We took a little longer picking his name, in fact we hadn’t decided completely on it until the night before he was born. He was much smaller than Gabe at 6lbs 9oz and 17 1/2 inches long (our nurse and sister Kristi measured him 3 times to be sure). As our siblings got married and had children we hoped they wouldn’t us our girl name. In fact, I think it was kind of an unwritten rule that this name was “ours”…don’t touch it. 🙂

On November 19, 2008 we welcomed our 3rd son Ezekiel Jackson. He was our first “non-Kansas” baby and also our biggest at 8lbs 6 oz. After 4 years of not having an infant, we were delighted to be back in this stage of babyhood again.

Titus James is our “odd ball” not being born in November. He was born August 26, 2010 at home before the midwife got here. He weighed 7lbs 11oz and was 20 inches long. He had the most hair of all my boys. I should point out that ever since Gabe was born, Kerry had been waiting and wanting to use the name Titus. I joke I consented because I was running out of ideas after the first 3.

On December 3, 2011 we had another son, Knox Cornelius. We were blessed to be pregnant with him for 15 weeks. We anticipate the day we get to meet him when we go to Heaven. I have lost 2 other children early on in my pregnancy, one in October of 2003 and one on November 15, 2009.

After waiting for over 10 (almost 11) years we will get to use our girl name. Our daughter’s name has special meaning to us. She will be named after Kerry’s Grandma Plett who died in Spring of 2007. She was a special lady and had such faith. We celebrate her and the legacy she and Grandpa Plett passed on in their family. The love, faith and trust in God. The love shared. Our daughter’s first name will be Lillian. I should note here, that we generally do not share names before our babies are born simply because we don’t want to invite commentary. However, we want to share her name now so that you can pray along with us for our daughter by name.
Her middle name will be Faith. We have relied on God for this baby, we have trusted Him and we have praised Him. We rejoice, but with the diagnosis we received this week I find myself needing the faith so much more. Faith that God will help us navigate this path, faith that He won’t bring us to anything we can’t handle.

God is faithful, He will do what He says He will do, He will be with us every step of the way. I trust that God has a purpose for this journey, even if I don’t know why. I know that God has knit this baby together in my womb for our family. He created our daughter for us to care for and love, for however long that may be. I still struggle with fear about what lies ahead for us, I still struggle to understand, but I have to give each of those things to Him. He knows and He helps.
Thank you God for our daughter Lillian Faith.

How you can pray for Lillian today:

  • Pray that she will be born alive and at term (in November)

  • Pray that she will have a healthy heart and won’t have any heart defects

  • Pray for peace and understanding for me

  • Pray for wisdom for the doctors

Lamentations 3: 19-26

19 Remember my affliction and my wandering, the wormwood and bitterness.

20 Surely my soul remembers

And is bowed down within me.

21 This I recall to my mind,

Therefore I have hope.

22 The Lord’s lovingkindnesses indeed never cease,

For His compassions never fail.

23 They are new every morning;

Great is Your faithfulness.

24 “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,

“Therefore I have hope in Him.”

25 The Lord is good to those who wait for Him,

To the person who seeks Him.

26 It is good that he waits silently

For the salvation of the Lord.

1%

Our baby has a 1% chance of survival in utero. If she makes it to birth, her prognosis is actually fairly decent with good medical care (for things like hypertension, hormone replacement and osteoporosis as she gets older).
It’s amazing how much that 1% means, and how much it changes perspective.
When I had a home birth after 3 c-sections almost 2 years ago, there was just under a 1% chance that my uterus would rupture. I was comfortable with those odds. I didn’t think the 1% would apply to me, we were in the 99%.
When we elected to have the CVS test last week, there was just under a 1% chance that the procedure would cause the baby to die. We were okay with those odds, especially after we saw the position of the placenta and the baby. We were in the 99%.
We got the phone call yesterday that our baby has Turner syndrome. She is missing all or part of a sex chromosome. We were told 99% of babies with Turner syndrome die before they reach term, most of them die by 26 weeks gestation. We are praying for the 1%.
I am a bit fearful though. What if I prepare for the 99% and she is in the 1%, what if I spend my whole pregnancy expecting her to die and she doesn’t? Will I still bond with her? On the other hand…what if I prepare for the 1% and she is the 99%? I’m not sure I can handle that sinking feeling emotionally and that shock that would come. The thing is, we don’t know.
It’s all about perspective isn’t it…that 1%? The 1% is easy to push aside when we’re hoping for the 99%, but for us…I am begging, clinging and praying for the 1%.

For those who have been asking you can specifically pray for the following:

Pray for a live term birth for our baby (we want to be the 1%).
Pray for a healthy heart for our baby.
Pray for peace for me as I am struggling right now to make sense of this all.
Pray for wisdom for our doctors.

Psalm 31:22-24

22 As for me, I said in my alarm,

“I am cut off from before Your eyes”;

Nevertheless You heard the voice of my supplications

When I cried to You.

23 O love the Lord, all you His godly ones!

The Lord preserves the faithful

And fully recompenses the proud doer.

24 Be strong and let your heart take courage,

All you who hope in the Lord.

 

Talk Turkey and pray

November is a special time at our house. Three of our boys have birthdays in November. Gabe is November 22, Otto is November 23 and Zeke is November 19. We lost a baby November 15, 2009. We remember that baby each year because I truly think that God doesn’t let you forget the children He blesses you with, even if you’ve only known them for a short time.
We are looking forward to November for another reason this year. We are expecting our 8th child (5th here on earth) on November 15. We were quite surprised to find we were pregnant in early March. Everyone at our house had a bout of the flu around that time, myself included and I just wasn’t getting any better. In fact, I felt rotten and exhausted. Then coffee made me nauseous and I suspected something was up.
We are excited and to be totally honest a bit nervous. When we lost Knox last December, it was such a shock to our family. While I had suffered miscarriages previously, I had never lost a baby so late in the pregnancy. My biggest fear after he was born, due to the complications I had after he was born, was that I wouldn’t be able become pregnant again.
I am delighted to be pregnant, but I approach it with much more caution and prayer. I have prayed more fervently for this pregnancy, this child and this birth more than I have any of my others. I am nervous about how I will navigate through the weeks of this pregnancy that coincide with the days and weeks when I lost Knox. I will be 15 weeks pregnant with this pregnancy the week I would have been due with Knox (he was 15 weeks when he died). This baby is due the same day we lost another baby, but is also due the same week that we celebrate the births of our 3 oldest boys.
I have learned though and have been reminded, that this pregnancy is not in my control. He has a purpose for this child and his or her life, just as He did for Knox and the other two babies I have lost and just as He does for my 4 boys here on earth. No matter how much I want to cling to them, if God chooses to take them from this earth, it is His will and not mine. We are trusting God for my health and this baby’s health as we progress in this pregnancy. We appreciate and desire your prayers for our family and this precious baby.
This is our first picture of our little one.
I wrote the above post on Thursday night, below is an update from Friday morning…
We got a phone call this morning from our doctor. Below is an email we sent to our family…
On Wednesday we had a sonogram to check the baby and to ease my mind a bit as I’m a little anxious after we lost Knox. At that sonogram, they take a measurement called a nuchal translucency test. They measure the amount of fluid at the back of baby’s neck. Normal values are less than 2.5 mm. Ours was 6mm. They often combine that test with a blood test (which I did, but we don’t have the results for) to determine the risk of chromosomal abnormalities and heart defects. Because our result was so high, my physician called this morning to talk about options and refer me to maternal fetal medicine in Colorado Springs. With a measurement that significant it is unlikely that the blood work would bring the “risk” level down to an acceptable range.

We have a number of options. One option is to have a CVS study (where they take part of the placenta) and do genetic testing to determine if there are chromosomal abnormalities with the baby. It won’t necessarily tell us if there are cardiac defects. This test has to be done in the next week. Or we can wait for about 2 months and have an amniocentesis (where they take amniotic fluid) and do genetic testing. The risks of both procedures are the loss of the pregnancy, which is about 1:200 or 1:225 for both. While it won’t change our decision to carry this pregnancy to term, I very much need to know what I’m dealing with. I have elected to undergo the CVS test next Thursday morning at 0900 in Colorado Springs.
Regardless of the results, I will have a very detailed sonogram at 22-24 weeks and a fetal cardiac echocardiogram to evaluate the functioning of the baby’s heart and screen for any defects there. As I said, the results of these tests won’t affect whether we continue with the pregnancy as we believe every life is precious the test will help prepare us for what lies ahead. If the chromosome studies are normal, but there is a heart defect we will most likely have the baby in Denver where we have access to baby heart doctors. 🙂 If the chromosome studies are abnormal, it will change how we manage the birth in terms of interventions, such as a c-section etc. We appreciate prayers and since I often use this blog to “brain dump” I’m sure updates will follow.
We are trusting God to help us navigate through this really scary time for our family. We also know that our God is big, our God is good and that He loves His children. We trust Him for whatever the future holds for our family and our precious little baby.