Author: Erin

Menu for this week.

Here is what our menu looks like for this week…

Monday : Leftovers. 🙂

Tuesday: Bierock Casserole.

Wednesday : Supper at church (we have a family who makes supper for our family on Wednesday nights).

Thursday: Riccota filled shells and sauce

Friday : Meatballs or Tacos

Here’s the recipe for Bierock Casserole (Here’s a link for “What a bierock is” and a couple of recipes for the traditional bierocks…I haven’t tried either of the recipes on this link).

Bierock Casserole:

2 tubes crescent rolls

1-2lbs ground beef

1 onion

1 head cabbage, shredded or chopped into small pieces.

1-2 can cream of celery soup (I will sometime use cream of mushroom) Whether you use 1 or 2 depends on how saucy you want your bierocks. I usually use 2.

3 cups (or so…I really never measure) of cheddar cheese shredded.

Brown hamburger and onion in skillet. When done, add chopped cabbage and allow cabbage to cook down a bit (I will usually put a lid on my skillet so that it kind of  cabbage). In another bowl mix the soup (undiluted if you’re using condensed) and cheddar cheese. We like ours kind of cheesy so I usually use 3 handfuls of cheese.
In a 9×13 skillet press together one of the tubes of crescent rolls for a bottom crust. Then layer hamburger mixture and then the soup mixture. Put the other tube of crescent roll dough on top (I’m not a huge stickler for making sure it’s all pushed together, but it looks nice). Bake in 350 oven for about 20-25 minutes or until the crescent rolls are golden brown.

So a couple things…I don’t really measure much of anything when I cook. I figure my great grandmother used her hands (I have a number of recipes that say “2-3 handfuls” or something similar) so I can too. Our boys like meat so I usually use the 2 lbs hamburger. If my skillet gets too full when putting the cabbage in, I’ll take out some of the hamburger and onions and mix it in with the soup and cheese. It’s all going the same place anyway…If you prefer “crunchier” cabbage you don’t have to steam it at all, but in our house if it’s crunchy, it resembles salad too much and I have a harder time getting little boys to eat it. 🙂

We used to have bierocks for lunch at school. We had the BEST lunch ladies ever! And the more I find out about what public school kids are eating for lunch these days the more thankful I am to have grown up in a small town in Kansas where they actually cooked for us every day. The bierocks are so good that a couple of years ago when Kerry and I were visiting we went and ate lunch with his mom in our gradeschool cafeteria for the bierocks. It was the full deal…lunch trays and milk cartons. It was fantastic. If you want to serve it Goessel Grade school style…you’ll need to complete the meal with pickles, corn, pudding and possibly an oatmeal raisin cookie. Chocolate milk is totally optional.

Trust Me

I had a break through moment this week while I was on my way to work. It was more of a “duh” moment, but I still call it a break through.

On my way to work each morning sometimes I’ll listen to a sermon on the radio or I’ll pray. On Tuesday morning…making it to work by 0700(!) I chose to pray. First let me say that getting to work at 7am is quite a feat for me…most of you know that I am not even close to being a morning person so I was a little grumpy. I prayed for my husband and children. I prayed for the students returning next week and my co-workers. I also prayed for my lousy attitude. I was grumpy and I was feeling sorry for myself. For some reason going back for faculty week this last week was harder than I anticipated. I was close to tears more than once and my emotions have been hovering just under the surface all week.

So as I turned onto Pueblo boulevard my prayers turned to myself and my attitude. I prayed for my heart and my mouth to have the right response to those around me. I prayed for the stamina to make it through another semester on overload and trying to “do it all”. I prayed for healing in my heart and in my body. I prayed for another baby. I (we) long to have more children, not to replace Knox but because we desire God’s blessing for our family. While I want more babies, I have been fearful about being pregnant again. I’ve been fearful that I wouldn’t be able to enjoy another pregnancy because I’d worry about it ending tragically. I have been afraid that I wouldn’t be able to “trust my body” to carry another healthy pregnancy, much less be able to birth another baby at home. There is a condition called Asherman’s syndrome that is something I have been particularly fearful of. It happens after a D&C (which I had to remove the placenta after Knox was born) and can affect the ability to get pregnant again in the future. I didn’t think I could trust pregnancy again. So I prayed.

As I turned into City Park I told God my fears exactly as I feel them . When I’ve prayed in the past, I’ve simply prayed “God please bless our family again, please let me heal and let me carry another baby in my womb”. But on this morning I laid it on the line (like He didn’t already know). But I told him my fears, specifically my fears and my issue with trusting my body and pregnancy. Somewhere around the Llamas,  I said “God I’m afraid I won’t be able to trust my body again. And I’m afraid I won’t be able to trust pregnancy again” God said…get this…very clearly He said…”YOU DON’T HAVE TO TRUST THOSE THINGS.” And then He paused, as if for effect…and I slowly got it. DUH! (I think I actually said it out loud to be honest…and I probably hit the steering wheel at that). “It’s not my body or a pregnancy, or the idea of it, that I have to trust…IT’S GOD I have to trust.” I have to trust Him that He’s going to bless me as He sees fit and I have to trust that whatever happens, whether than includes me getting pregnant and having another baby or not, God is in control. I felt like such an idiot, call me a slow learner. God’s been telling me all along to “TRUST ME” when I’ve prayed about more children or about what *might* happen in the future.

As I thought about it and turned it over to God…as I began to really TRUST Him, the fear and anxiety started to lift. If bits of that fear would try to sneak in again, I would just say “I trust you.” and it goes away. I am so thankful for that. Trust isn’t something that comes easily to me, but over and over again God has proved that He is trustworthy. He loves me, He knows the longing of my heart, He sees the “big picture” and He is in charge. He is sovereign, He doesn’t have to tell me why Knox died or why I’ve gone through this, but I trust that He has a reason and that it will be used for His glory. I have to TRUST and be willing to be used (which means I have to listen too).

I am working on memorizing several verses about trust. I’m also thinking of taping them to my forehead on bad days. 🙂 TRUST ME.

Psalm 37:5
Commit your way to the LORD, Trust also in Him, and He will do it.


Psalm 56:3
When I am afraid, I will put my trust in You. 


Psalm 56:11
In God I have put my trust, I shall not be afraid. What can man do to me?


Psalm 115:11
You who fear the LORD, trust in the LORD; He is their help and their shield.


Psalm 143:8
Let me hear Your lovingkindness in the morning; For I trust in You; Teach me the way in which I should walk; For to You I lift up my soul.


Proverbs 3:5
Trust in the LORD with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding.


Proverbs 16:20
He who gives attention to the word will find good, And blessed is he who trusts in the LORD.


Isaiah 12:2
“Behold, God is my salvation, I will trust and not be afraid; For the LORD GOD is my strength and song, And He has become my salvation.”


Isaiah 26:4
“ Trust in the LORD forever, For in GOD the LORD, we have an everlasting Rock.


Jeremiah 17:7
“ Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD And whose trust is the LORD.







Hey Good Looking! Whatcha got cookin?

Well…I’ve revised our menu list for our meal rotations. I’m including the link below. I have about 36 recipes or so which allows for us to have 4-5 “new” meals a week with 2-3 nights for left overs. I haven’t divided the meals up into 2 week groups yet (I like to do my shopping every 2 weeks, so I plan my menus accordingly). I plan on doing that this next week. THEN I’d like Kerry to use his excel prowess to help me make a list that will automatically totally all of my ingredients on to a master shopping list.

The ingredient list that I included with these menus are ingredients I know I should check my stock for and make a note to purchase if I don’t have them, it’s not an all inclusive list. You’ll see I also put where I can find the recipes for some of the meals and if there isn’t a source…it’s in my brain. 🙂 I’ll try to share a new recipe each week from our menu list and some others that I’ve tried.

So hopefully this will help get you started if you’re in a rut. Happy Cooking!

Rosfeld Family Master Meal List

Tough Road

I met someone yesterday who helped put things in perspective for me. I have no idea what her name was, but she had a profound impact on my attitude.

We were out to eat as a family yesterday for lunch. A woman carrying an infant carrier asked us to keep an eye on her baby while she grabbed a high chair and we gladly did it. As I was admiring her baby I asked how old she was and the mother said “3 months”. The baby girl was quite small for a 3 month old and being the nosy mom I am, I asked if the baby was born premature. Her mom said “no, but she was only 4lbs 10oz at birth…because I was on chemo while I was pregnant.” I was stunned at the mother’s frankness about it all, but also her very positive attitude. She went on “I was diagnosed with breast cancer right after I got pregnant and had a double mastectomy and chemotherapy while I was pregnant so she was born small, but healthy. Now I’m in Pueblo for radiation today so we thought we’d eat out as a family after I was done”. Double shocked.

We continued our conversation a bit about the baby’s name and our 4 boys and the rest of her family (her husband and 8 year old son joined her a bit later at the table). The boys oogled the little girl (and so did Kerry and I). She was adorable, just like a porcelain doll. Tiny hands and features…she was a joy to behold.

When we were walking out to the car I couldn’t help but thank God for his blessing for my pregnancies, my health and the health of my children. I can’t imagine walking the road this woman and her family were on. The joy of being pregnant being overshadowed by a cancer diagnosis, surgery and then radiation. This woman, and her husband for that matter, had every right to be bitter, angry and scared. Instead she was incredibly positive and very delighted in her child. Kerry and I were talking about how difficult it must be and Kerry added…I can’t imagine how her husband must feel. To be faced with the challenges he must have as a father.

Everyone has their own tough road and the blessings that sometimes go along with it. It’s often difficult to imagine what the other person’s road must be like…we make it down our own by the grace of God, but I often find myself thinking that if it were me walking her path it might be too much for me to bear. I am thankful for the strength God has given me and the guidance He provides daily. He is faithful.

As we start a new year with new experiences and a new perspective I am reminded again of the promise I have from God….

Proverbs 3

5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart 
And do not lean on your own understanding. 
6 In all your ways acknowledge Him, 
And He will make your paths straight. 

Why I still feel Blessed – My Husband


In closing out this year and some of my “why I still feel blessed” posts, I have to talk about the blessing of my husband. When Kerry and I started dating (14 years ago!), I don’t think anyone believe it at first. In fact, I distinctly remember having several people ask me if I was really dating Kerry Rosfeld (and I know there were those who asked him the same thing). We were, and still are in a lot of ways, opposites. Kerry was quiet and shy, I wasn’t. At. All. But here we are after over 10 years of marriage and we couldn’t be better matched. I am so thankful for God’s grace in giving me the husband He has. We may be opposite in a lot of ways, but we complement each other well.


The night we found out that Knox had died, I was so devastated. The girl doing our sonogram didn’t have children and while she was trying to be helpful said “At least you have 4 boys at home” as she told us goodbye. Kerry squeezed my hand tighter and without saying a word let me know he understood. He held me in the lobby of the hospital while I sobbed before we walked together, crying, to the car. He prayed with me in the parking garage before we went home to tell the boys.
Until that night I don’t think I’ve ever seen my husband cry. Not that he’s un-emotional, he just doesn’t cry. I’ve seen him stare in awe at our children after they’ve been born. I’ve seen him get a little shaky after each one and have to sit down…not because he gets grossed out, but because the gravity of the whole “we have another baby and how amazing is this little creation” thing hits and he sits down to take it all in. But he cried the night we lost Knox.
He cried the night he was born, he grieved the loss of his son. It moved me. It reminded me just how much he loves each one of our children before they’re ever born, before he can even feel them move. As a L&D nurse I can’t tell you how rare it is for dad’s to have that “buy in” to their babies before they’re born. But my husband loves each of our children from the day he finds out they’re coming, and I am so blessed by that.
He made difficult phone calls to tell loved ones and friends the journey that lay ahead. It wasn’t easy for him, but he did it because he loves me and he knew that I would never be able to do it. He didn’t have the words to describe how we were feeling or what was happening, but he asked for prayer and told our story.
He reached for my hand every time someone would walk into our room while I was in the hospital. We were occasionally asked by an unknowing person if we were excited about our new baby or if we knew if it was a boy or girl, Kerry would squeeze my hand and then hold me as I broke into tears when that person left. (I didn’t have the heart to tell those people why we were being induced so I didn’t…I just said we didn’t know and we were a little nervous about the induction). Kerry asked the nurse for a sign for our door to let staff know we had a loss so that I didn’t have to answer questions…he was my advocate.
When I was being induced, Kerry was my rock. He helped me labor during the induction. I wanted to avoid pain medication because I wanted to be as aware as possible of the things going on around me and when the baby came I didn’t want to be drugged. So I labored and Kerry supported me, he rubbed my back, he held my hand and he let me lean on him. He took notes about the events of the day, just like he has on every other day we welcomed a child into our family.
When Knox was born, I was nervous about how it would affect Kerry to be honest. Because I worked in labor and delivery I had seen babies born at 15 weeks before, I knew from a nursing stand point what was going to happen and what to expect. I can’t imagine going through that for the first time with the baby being your child. Kerry asked questions throughout the process, and when Knox was born…Kerry reached for him to hold him. He marveled at Knox, he counted his fingers and toes (and looked for the family trademark bent pinky that all of our boys have), just like he had for all of our other children. I was so blessed to see him cherish our son. Not that I expected anything else from the man I married, but it was such a blessing to me. The pictures we have from that night are so special, Kerry took some of them, but the ones I love the most are the ones of him holding Knox. The look of love for Knox on Kerry’s face is priceless to me. I have been blessed by a husband who loves me and loves our children.
I have been blessed by a husband who I can be totally honest with. I could be completely vulnerable with my emotions and I knew that even when he didn’t know what to say he’d listen. I am a verbal processor, so I needed to do a lot of talking and still do about the whole process. Kerry listens so well. But even more than that, he is able to talk to me too. He’s not afraid to let me know what he’s thinking or how he’s doing emotionally. I’m so thankful I don’t have to pry or worse yet…wonder.
I have been blessed by a husband to ministers to me spiritually. He prayed with me, read scripture to me and helped me find hope in a tough situation. When he was explaining to our boys what happened and about the events that took place in the hospital, Kerry continually turned back to scriptures. He used this difficult situation to show our boys the sufficiency of scripture for our everyday lives. I have heard Kerry pray with our children about healing our hearts and my body, they have thanked God for the doctor who cared for me, they have prayed for more children. I am so thankful for his godly leadership and the example he shows our children.
I have thanked God numerous times for bringing Kerry and I together. God has carried us as a couple through the loss of a child. He has used Kerry to bless me, to remind me of His love, to remind me of His grace. While we may be opposites in a lot of ways, we are a perfect fit and I am so thankful for the man God gave me to spend the rest of my life with.

Christmas Letter

Here is our Christmas Letter and picture for the year…I’ll be mailing some out this week too. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!

MerryChristmas and Happy New Year!

It alwaysseems so hard to try to compress our whole year into a single page letter. ButI’ll try to hit the high points.

This pastspring (in April) Kerry started a new job with Manweiler Transports. Theytransport fuel of all kinds, gas, diesel, aviation gas and jet fuel (soundsexciting!). Kerry washes their trucks a few days a week. It’s not the mostglamorous, but it’s flexible, pays well and they really appreciate him. Thereis this “thing” among truckers called styling…they want the best looking truckson the road. Kerry helps them “style” I guess. Kerry is also still working asassistant pastor at our church. He gets to preach once every 5 or 6 weeks andwe are thankful for that opportunity. We are leading our high school AWANAgroup on Wednesday nights.

The boyshave kept busy with school and “boy stuff”. We took a spring field trip to Caveof the Winds and the Manitou Cliff dwellings. We had a great time learning andenjoying God’s creation. Gabe enjoys all things Lego and building things withhis hands. He is also an avid reader and enjoys “The Hardy Boys”, “Hank theCowdog” and anything that has to do with History. We make regular trips to thelibrary and always check out armfuls of books. Otto enjoys reading as well andis getting better every day. He tends to enjoy reading his Bible more thananything, but has also started reading “Hank”. Having boys who love to readmakes mom and dad happy because we enjoy it too! It’s heartwarming to hear thebig boys reading to their 2 younger brothers and it’s wonderful to hear themread our Proverb of the day some mornings during our Bible time.

Zeke isdoing well. We went to speech therapy this summer to help him put wordstogether a little more often and completely. He had a little bit of a delay,but the speech therapist attributed part of that to having 2 older brothers whotalk for him. We were able to wrap that up in July and he’s talking non-stopthese days. He is really excited to be old enough to be in Cubbies (in AWANA)this year on Wednesday nights and looks forward to saying his verses andplaying with friends each week.  Titus iswalking and making himself more vocal as well. He tries so hard to keep up withhis big brothers and watches them closely.

Erin isstill busy teaching. She teaches on-ground classes for Pueblo Community Collegeand online for several other schools. She enjoys it and is thankful for aschedule that allows her to be home several days a week. She has helped preceptseveral new faculty and Master’s degree students this past year and developed 2online courses for PCC as well. It’s kept her busy but she has learned manyvaluable lessons along the way.

In Augustour family was fortunate enough to go to camp! Gabe was a camper and Erin wasthe camp nurse. Kerry and the 3 younger boys came along for the ride. We wereat Covenant Heights Camp in Northern Colorado the first week of August. Gabeattended the last camp of the summer called “Adventure Camp”. The kids slept inoutdoor shelters and learned skills like shelterbuilding, fire building (this was a big hit), archery, and basic survivalskills. They also learned the art of not showering…apparently at Adventure Campyou don’t shower except for the day your parents come to pick you up, whichmade for some really dirty kids at the end of the week.  On the last night of camp the counselors andthe campers got to try out their skills in the wilderness. It was hard for thismama not to worry watching her little guy haul his stuff up on his back andtake off. But they survived and so did we. Erin enjoyed being a camp nurse, itwas a little different than teaching a group of student nurses, but in a lot ofways it was strangely similar. Kerry and the younger boys enjoyed being able tokayak, fish (we learned it’s better to feed the fish first…you’ll get morebites), and hike. Perhaps the best part of the whole experience was that wewere totally unplugged for a week. No cell phone, no TV and virtually nointernet (we had limited access which was enough for Erin to do her onlinework). It was DELIGHTFUL!

We wereexcited in September to find out we were expecting our 5th child. Wetold the big boys after a fall field trip to Garden of the Gods and a familypicnic and we greatly anticipated the little one’s arrival. Unfortunately,after a trip back to Kansas at Thanksgiving we found out our baby had died at15 weeks. Erin was induced on December 3rd and Knox Cornelius wasborn at 8:58pm that day. Erin had some complications after the birth, manyprayers for her recovery were answered and after surgery she was able to gohome the next evening. We are still grieving the loss of Knox, but trust thatGod has a plan and purpose for taking him early. We don’t have definitiveanswers for why Knox died as he was perfectly formed when he was born. There issome indication that Erin caught an infection (called CMV) that is relatively harmlessto everyone who gets it (and most people do) unless they are pregnant the firsttime they’re exposed. It shouldn’t affect future pregnancies if we are blessedwith them. We were incredibly blessed through this experience though by ourfamily, church family and friends who have supported us both with their actionsand with their prayers.

Weanticipate this next year Kerry will be looking for a full time ministry job,wherever that may be. We don’t always know what the future holds, but we arethankful we know the ONE who holds our future. We wish you and your family aMerry Christmas and Happy New Year.
TheRosfeld
Family
Fillingquiver.blogspot.com
Rosfeldandsons@gmail.com

Why I still feel blessed — Children

I am blessed with 4 wonderful boys here on earth and 1 sonin Heaven. For that we are thankful.  Enough said right? It would be so easy forsomeone who talks as much as I do. J

Losing Knox has reminded us just how blessed we are, to experiencethe joy of children here on earth and also the anticipation of being reunited withones we never got to see grow up here on earth.
I think having our 4 boys has made grieving the death ofKnox easier. They have helped keep me from being swallowed by grief, but alsoin their childlike ways have helped me see the other side of losing a child,the hope that often follows such a difficult time. In explaining what happenedwith Knox to the boys we were also able to explain the hope that we find in God’spromises and why we can look forward to meeting Knox when we die. We have had theopportunity to talk about God’s promises for those who honor Him.
We have also talked about the hope of having more children. Zekehas been the hardest to explain the loss to. He and Otto had been praying for ababy (a sister specifically) since August. The boys were so excited about a newbaby and delighted to hear what their new sibling was doing in my womb, whatwas growing and developing, how big he was getting and what he might look like.Zeke would always pull out the measuring tape to see how big the baby wasgetting. When we talk about Knox now, Zeke shakes his head and says “baby…no…inHeaven” and we say “yes, the baby is in Heaven…won’t it be great when we get tosee him someday?” Zeke, then says “yeah…baby…another baby…” and points to mystomach. He prays daily for “another baby” when we pray at meal time or duringour Bible time. We always respond with “yes, if it’s God’s will we will haveanother baby.”
One of the things I have been reminded of is how preciousour wonderful children are, and how precious little time we have with them. Godhas numbered each of our days, we don’t know how much or how little time wehave with each other. He has numbered our days, even when those days end beforewe are born. .. and even if the Lord allows my children to grow to an old age,they are only in our house for a short period of time, and they are little foreven less time. I need to make sure that I’m spending my time wisely as amother.
I have been blessed by the smiles my children have given meeach day. Titus thinks everything is something to smile about, and it warms myheart every time I look at him and he gives me a cheesy grin. I have beenblessed by the prayers of Otto and Zeke, their prayers for healing for mommyand prayers for more children if it is God’s will. I have been blessed by thehugs from Gabe, he is a young man with few words about the events that havehappened, but he seems to know when I need a hug.
I have been blessed to be reminded to delight in my childrenmore and get frustrated less. I have been blessed to have a reason to get up inthe morning. My children don’t wait for breakfast, even on the days when Iwanted to stay and bed and mourn the loss of Knox.
I feel so blessed to have the children that I do. Knowingthe joy of watching a baby grow and learn is such an awesome joy. There aretimes that it has been bittersweet to think of all the things I’ll misswatching Knox do, but in the same breath I’m so very thankful that I’ve beenable to see those things in the children I have here with me on earth. I can’timagine the pain of a mother who loses child after child before they are bornand to never know the delight of holding her own baby. I am so very thankfulthat while I have known the pain of losing a baby, I have not known the pain ofan empty womb.
I feel so very blessed to have the opportunity to bereminded what a privilege it is to raise children. What an awesomeresponsibility it is to bring them up to love God and love others. It’s like Isee my children in a different light since this happened. Not that I didn’tcherish them before, but somehow it’s different. I am seeing my family in adifferent light, I am blessed to see them through the eyes I was intended tosee them through. Through the eyes of that God intended a mother to have. Forthat I am thankful. 

Why I still feel blessed…Friends

In the days that followed Knox’s birth, I was continually reminded of how blessed we are to have friends and family who love us so much. I’m going to be painfully honest here (not that I’m anything less any other time), but in the months prior to losing Knox, Kerry and I felt isolated. Me especially. I’ve never been one to have really close friends that weren’t family, but I was really feeling alone. I just don’t have many friends, especially friends my age.  I *knew* I had friends, but I wasn’t sure who I would call if something really bad were to happen or if something really great were to happen. But…

God has used this experience to remind me just how loved and supported we are. The large majority of our family lives in Kansas, and we were thankful some of them were able to come and care for us after we got home from the hospital. Family is so important. 

In church circles you often hear fellow church attendees referred to as your “church family”, but in some churches they don’t feel much like family. In our church though, our church family really feels like family. Our lives are inextricably woven together and we are so very blessed to have 2 “families” we are part of.

1 John 3: 17-18 says:
17 But whoever has the world’s goods, and sees his brother in need and closes his heart against him, how does the love of God abide in him? 18 Little children, let us not love with word or with tongue, but in deed and truth.
Our friends and family didn’t just love us with their words, but also with their actions. Our church family provided meals for us this whole last week. It was such a blessing to take a little stress off and be able to focus on healing.

But even more than that, we knew we were being prayed for a daily basis. We were checked in on a regular basis to see how we were doing. And not just “can I bring you anything”, but asked us “how are you doing…and we really want to know”. I could be painfully honest with those who were around me. I could cry, question, yell and just sit with them. I was able to be me without being judged or afraid of my emotions. It is a freedom that many in churches (or families for that matter) don’t feel like they have.
They were the “friends” I wasn’t sure I had before this happened. I was reminded time and again that I am blessed with friends who love me, care for me and are there for me, all the time.

I have to say, our church isn’t huge, but our church is genuine and cares for everyone who walks through the doors whether it’s your first Sunday or your 100th. We are blessed.

In addition to our church friends and family, I have been reminded of how much I am cared for by my “online” friends. One can joke about whether online friends really count…but, for the most part, I would say they do. Some I have never met, but we are tied together by the births of our children years ago or other major life events. Some our lives intertwined years ago and some are new friendships. But I have had several friends email or call to say they’re praying for me or checking to see how I’m doing. Some of you have shared personal stories, scriptures or just provided encouragement. I have been blessed to know that our story has touched others and that others are helping share our grief.

I feel blessed to know that I have a support system that many of us rarely discover except in times of tragedy. I’m reminded that God often cares for us through the ministry of those around us. I am blessed with friends and family who care for me.

Why I still feel blessed

The last 2 weeks has been one of the most difficult things I’ve ever gone through. Even in the grief of losing a child though, I have felt blessed. There have been many times these past 2 weeks that God has reminded me of His love, His redemption and His deliverance. For that I am so very thankful. So I’m going to share why, even with the loss of Knox, I still feel blessed…thankful…joyful and even hopeful. 


When I first started writing this post, I had thought I was going to be able to put all of the reasons why I still feel blessed into one post, but I’ve quickly realized that would be a really long blogpost, so I’m just going do post it in installments. So here is episode one…

I feel a little bit like I should start it like Tim Tebow starts every interview he does… “First and foremost I’d like to thank my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ”. And it’s true.

The night Knox was born as Kerry and I sat there holding him, we couldn’t help but marvel at God’s creation. We were deeply saddened and mourning, but holding Knox, we felt blessed. Blessed that God had given us another son, blessed that He had created this perfect child, blessed that I got to carry him for 16 weeks. I can’t even find the words to adequately describe why, even when I was devastated, I felt so fortunate. But I did. I was in awe of the child my God created. I was thankful, even when I was hurting.

In the days that followed, I felt blessed again to know that God was right there with me. I have relied heavily on scripture to carry me through, to help me see the next step to take and to try to understand this all. I read my Bible daily anyway, but in the last 2 weeks many of the scriptures have taken on new meaning to me, they apply to me in ways that I didn’t always see before. I have been so blessed by the verses, songs and prayers shared with me by friends, family and through my daily devotions. There were moments when I was in such despair, when a line of a hymn or a verse I learned as a child came to my mind and spoke to my heart.

When I couldn’t sleep I read the Psalms (especially 30-61). They brought me much peace and comfort. I spent many waking hours praying fervently for my husband, my children and peace of mind. There were times when I would fall asleep and wake up praying.

I downloaded a devotional for grieving mothers here from Raising Arrows. And it has helped me through some tough days. 

Psalm 34:18 particularly ministered to my broken heart… 18 The LORD is near to the brokenhearted 
And saves those who are crushed in spirit.

As did Psalm 37:4-5 4 Delight yourself in the LORD; 
And He will give you the desires of your heart. 5 Commit your way to the LORD, 
Trust also in Him, and He will do it. 

Psalm 40:1-3
 1 I waited patiently for the LORD; 
And He inclined to me and heard my cry. 2 He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the [b]miry clay, 
And He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm. 3 He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God; 
Many will see and fear 
And will trust in the LORD.

There were (and still are) days that I worry because of the unknown, I let fear weigh me down and pull my thoughts away from God and my family. I had wonderful prayer warriors who I could text or call and just ask for prayer…I could feel the anxiety begin to lift and I would become more peaceful.

When I would pray and ask God what he has in store for me, I consistently got (and still get) the same answer… “TRUST ME”. For those who know me, I’m not a big fan of being out of control. I like to have command of situations, I’m a planner, I like to know where I’m going and what is going to happen when I get there. I like to be in charge. Regardless though, of how much control I think I’m in…God is the ultimate authority in my life. He is sovereign, He has a plan and I have to trust Him. TRUST ME God says…Ok. It’s not easy, but I have been reminded time and again why I need to TRUST.

I feel blessed because I have felt God helping me through this trial. I have felt blessed because He made me a mother, He created a wonderful baby when He created Knox, He has a purpose and I TRUST that. I am blessed because I have a God that loves and cares for me. I am blessed because long ago when I was a small child I TRUSTED Jesus to be my Savior. I am blessed because God gave HIS son as a sacrifice so that when I die I can spend eternity in Heaven. HIS son died, so that when my son died, Jesus’ face was the first face he saw. What a wonderful sight that must be and won’t it be wonderful that when I die I will not only be reunited with Knox, but will also  see the SON that died to make that possible. 

Footprints

I came across this poem today.


How quietly he tiptoed into our world.

Softly, only a moment he stayed

but what an imprint his footprints have left upon our hearts.

~Unknown

Today was a “good” day for me. We spent the day as a family and while I thought often of our Knox, I was peaceful today. I am thankful for that.