Why I still feel blessed

The last 2 weeks has been one of the most difficult things I’ve ever gone through. Even in the grief of losing a child though, I have felt blessed. There have been many times these past 2 weeks that God has reminded me of His love, His redemption and His deliverance. For that I am so very thankful. So I’m going to share why, even with the loss of Knox, I still feel blessed…thankful…joyful and even hopeful. 

When I first started writing this post, I had thought I was going to be able to put all of the reasons why I still feel blessed into one post, but I’ve quickly realized that would be a really long blogpost, so I’m just going do post it in installments. So here is episode one…

I feel a little bit like I should start it like Tim Tebow starts every interview he does… “First and foremost I’d like to thank my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ”. And it’s true.

The night Knox was born as Kerry and I sat there holding him, we couldn’t help but marvel at God’s creation. We were deeply saddened and mourning, but holding Knox, we felt blessed. Blessed that God had given us another son, blessed that He had created this perfect child, blessed that I got to carry him for 16 weeks. I can’t even find the words to adequately describe why, even when I was devastated, I felt so fortunate. But I did. I was in awe of the child my God created. I was thankful, even when I was hurting.

In the days that followed, I felt blessed again to know that God was right there with me. I have relied heavily on scripture to carry me through, to help me see the next step to take and to try to understand this all. I read my Bible daily anyway, but in the last 2 weeks many of the scriptures have taken on new meaning to me, they apply to me in ways that I didn’t always see before. I have been so blessed by the verses, songs and prayers shared with me by friends, family and through my daily devotions. There were moments when I was in such despair, when a line of a hymn or a verse I learned as a child came to my mind and spoke to my heart.

When I couldn’t sleep I read the Psalms (especially 30-61). They brought me much peace and comfort. I spent many waking hours praying fervently for my husband, my children and peace of mind. There were times when I would fall asleep and wake up praying.

I downloaded a devotional for grieving mothers here from Raising Arrows. And it has helped me through some tough days. 

Psalm 34:18 particularly ministered to my broken heart… 18 The LORD is near to the brokenhearted 
And saves those who are 
crushed in spirit.

As did Psalm 37:4-5 4 Delight yourself in the LORD; 
And He will give you the desires of your heart. 
5 Commit your way to the LORD, 
Trust also in Him, and He will do it. 

Psalm 40:1-3
 1 I waited patiently for the LORD; 
And He inclined to me and heard my cry. 
2 He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the [b]miry clay, 
And He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm. 
3 He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God; 
Many will see and fear 
And will trust in the LORD.

There were (and still are) days that I worry because of the unknown, I let fear weigh me down and pull my thoughts away from God and my family. I had wonderful prayer warriors who I could text or call and just ask for prayer…I could feel the anxiety begin to lift and I would become more peaceful.

When I would pray and ask God what he has in store for me, I consistently got (and still get) the same answer… “TRUST ME”. For those who know me, I’m not a big fan of being out of control. I like to have command of situations, I’m a planner, I like to know where I’m going and what is going to happen when I get there. I like to be in charge. Regardless though, of how much control I think I’m in…God is the ultimate authority in my life. He is sovereign, He has a plan and I have to trust Him. TRUST ME God says…Ok. It’s not easy, but I have been reminded time and again why I need to TRUST.

I feel blessed because I have felt God helping me through this trial. I have felt blessed because He made me a mother, He created a wonderful baby when He created Knox, He has a purpose and I TRUST that. I am blessed because I have a God that loves and cares for me. I am blessed because long ago when I was a small child I TRUSTED Jesus to be my Savior. I am blessed because God gave HIS son as a sacrifice so that when I die I can spend eternity in Heaven. HIS son died, so that when my son died, Jesus’ face was the first face he saw. What a wonderful sight that must be and won’t it be wonderful that when I die I will not only be reunited with Knox, but will also  see the SON that died to make that possible. 

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