Embrace

As we get closer and closer to the move I find myself more and more anxious about it. And I’m disappointed in myself.
I used to embrace change and the next adventure. I used to be up for just about anything. If you put it out there as a challenge I’d do it, heck sometimes if you told me not to…I’d do it anyway just for the experience.
But for some reason, there are times when I catch myself mourning the move more than I thought I would. And I can’t pin point why. We’re moving for a pastorate position that will suit Kerry and our family well. We are moving closer to family but not so far away from here that we can’t come visit. It’s a brand new town, with new people and new things to explore and to a church that cares for us even though we haven’t been there more than twice.
When we decided to travel in 2006, we jumped in with both feet. I embraced it, I was stoked. I loved being able to say to my recruiters…these are my top 5 states, find me a job and we’ll go. It was exhilarating to pull in to a new city, to meet the locals and check out the new place.
So why now, does it feel so scary? I could name a number of things that play in to it all, but I don’t know how to “fix” them and I’m a fixer by nature.
I will be transitioning to a full time stay at home mom (I’ll still be teaching online) after working full time for the last 10 years of our marriage (and since I was 16). Where will I make connections? How will I make friends when I’m not working outside the home? This is a brand new role for me, one I’ve wanted for so long, but I’m afraid I will be lonely.
We are moving to a new church. Our church here in Pueblo has been such a blessing to us I can’t even put it into words. We have grown so much and been fed meat every Sunday. Our church has become our family, they have embraced us, loved us, cried and laughed with us. I can’t even begin to describe how important our church has been to us in the 5 years we’ve lived here. It feels like we’re leaving very close family. Like a part of us will always be here with them.
We have had such a difficult year that sometimes it feels like nothing will go right. It is hard for me not to live holding my breath, waiting for the other shoe to fall. In fact, last week while I was packing I had a moment of panic when I thought “what if they call and say they don’t want us?” I seriously thought about stopping. We have a moving day in 2 weeks, with no reason to think that the church will change it’s mind, but still…the panic hit.
There are so many unknowns in our life right now. I am a planner. God is not seeing it fit to let me in on any part of His plan other than what is in front of me today…and that is scary. He has surprised and redirected us, in more ways than one in the last week, which makes the ground seem even shakier. There are times when it’s hard not to be discouraged about what seems hopeless, worrisome or just plain fear invoking. I have shaken my head more than once recently when I reflect on where we find ourselves today.
There are loose ends. It’s hard to describe, but I’m not sure that we are ever going to feel “gone” from here.
And to be totally honest, moving is tedious and messy. It’s hard, it’s time consuming and it feels like it will never be done. I’m a check list person too, there is no check list for this. Some afternoons I walk around trying to decide what to do next because I don’t have a neat list. Phone calls have to be made to switch utilities, doctors, contacts etc. I have to try to figure out what we’re going to need in the next 2 weeks and what we can pack up. I know that we’re not going to need the pictures and decorations on the wall, but it doesn’t feel like home without them. I’m hesitant to take them down. I’m not ready for our home to feel that empty yet.
I am choosing though to embrace the change ahead, even though it feels prickly and uncomfortable. I have no doubt this is where God is leading us. So instead of fighting I will embrace it. I will pack my boxes and take one step at a time in the direction He is leading, even if I can’t see what lies ahead.