As we get closer and closer to the move I find myself more and more anxious about it. And I’m disappointed in myself.
I used to embrace change and the next adventure. I used to be up for just about anything. If you put it out there as a challenge I’d do it, heck sometimes if you told me not to…I’d do it anyway just for the experience.
But for some reason, there are times when I catch myself mourning the move more than I thought I would. And I can’t pin point why. We’re moving for a pastorate position that will suit Kerry and our family well. We are moving closer to family but not so far away from here that we can’t come visit. It’s a brand new town, with new people and new things to explore and to a church that cares for us even though we haven’t been there more than twice.
When we decided to travel in 2006, we jumped in with both feet. I embraced it, I was stoked. I loved being able to say to my recruiters…these are my top 5 states, find me a job and we’ll go. It was exhilarating to pull in to a new city, to meet the locals and check out the new place.
So why now, does it feel so scary? I could name a number of things that play in to it all, but I don’t know how to “fix” them and I’m a fixer by nature.
I will be transitioning to a full time stay at home mom (I’ll still be teaching online) after working full time for the last 10 years of our marriage (and since I was 16). Where will I make connections? How will I make friends when I’m not working outside the home? This is a brand new role for me, one I’ve wanted for so long, but I’m afraid I will be lonely.
We are moving to a new church. Our church here in Pueblo has been such a blessing to us I can’t even put it into words. We have grown so much and been fed meat every Sunday. Our church has become our family, they have embraced us, loved us, cried and laughed with us. I can’t even begin to describe how important our church has been to us in the 5 years we’ve lived here. It feels like we’re leaving very close family. Like a part of us will always be here with them.
We have had such a difficult year that sometimes it feels like nothing will go right. It is hard for me not to live holding my breath, waiting for the other shoe to fall. In fact, last week while I was packing I had a moment of panic when I thought “what if they call and say they don’t want us?” I seriously thought about stopping. We have a moving day in 2 weeks, with no reason to think that the church will change it’s mind, but still…the panic hit.
There are so many unknowns in our life right now. I am a planner. God is not seeing it fit to let me in on any part of His plan other than what is in front of me today…and that is scary. He has surprised and redirected us, in more ways than one in the last week, which makes the ground seem even shakier. There are times when it’s hard not to be discouraged about what seems hopeless, worrisome or just plain fear invoking. I have shaken my head more than once recently when I reflect on where we find ourselves today.
There are loose ends. It’s hard to describe, but I’m not sure that we are ever going to feel “gone” from here.
And to be totally honest, moving is tedious and messy. It’s hard, it’s time consuming and it feels like it will never be done. I’m a check list person too, there is no check list for this. Some afternoons I walk around trying to decide what to do next because I don’t have a neat list. Phone calls have to be made to switch utilities, doctors, contacts etc. I have to try to figure out what we’re going to need in the next 2 weeks and what we can pack up. I know that we’re not going to need the pictures and decorations on the wall, but it doesn’t feel like home without them. I’m hesitant to take them down. I’m not ready for our home to feel that empty yet.
I am choosing though to embrace the change ahead, even though it feels prickly and uncomfortable. I have no doubt this is where God is leading us. So instead of fighting I will embrace it. I will pack my boxes and take one step at a time in the direction He is leading, even if I can’t see what lies ahead.

2 thoughts on “Embrace”

  1. My dearest Erin, welcome to the world of a military spouse! As I read your words, I could soooo relate to them, with every move we made. It is a one day at a time season. Helpful suggestions? Empty walls make me crazy! So when we had to pack for the two weeks, I put a few things from curtains to pictures on the walls. Nothing huge, but just a few things to make the walls not seem sooo empty while we waited for the rest of the furniture to arrive. It always helped. Sometimes even a few accessories, such as a couple throw blankets or nic nacky things for the wall or to set around helped, too. They are not necessities, BUT it improved the ambiance and we felt more welcome in our new environment. Ankies and favorite toys were a must, too!!! Thank the Lord that you find hesitation in leaving! He has blessed you while here and thank God you are not leaving because you hate it here ;)! You’ll be just fine….breathe!

  2. Boy do I get what you’re feeling. When I moved here it was so unbelievingly surreal and still is sometimes. Pueblo will always be my heart’s home, where I met and fell in love with Mel and we started a family. Broadway Christian Church will always have a home-like feeling to me. I went there for over 20 years, Mel and I were married there, our children were dedicated there, we renewed our vows on our 10th anniversary there, and we memorialized my precious Mel there.
    I didn’t think I would have friends here, but I do and God had them in place waiting for me when I got here. There are 5 five beautiful, God serving, fun loving women with whom I have survived through times when I felt so bad I thought I would surely die. This same God sees you right now and will provide friends for you. Remember to network with other home-schooling families, that is a great place to start.
    Eric you are so special and I know that right now you are scared, but your last year has been pretty rough to put it mildly, but I know God has a special lady already in Kansas just waiting to gift you both with a wonderful friendship.
    I love you all so much and have been so blessed to know your family. You have cared for me through unimaginable grief and loneliness but there has been a lot of laughter too.
    Just remember no matter where you go He is there with you.
    Love you friend

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