Off guard

I was caught off guard today by my emotions.
I was going through some bins in our basement and came across our costume bin. As I was sorting through, towards the bottom there it was. The dress-up dress I have been saving since before I was married for my “someday daughter” and my breath caught in my throat. My eyes filled with tears at the reminder of the daughter I have lost and the son I still grieve. Both whom I long for.
I cried.
I grieved for the daughter I won’t be holding in November. I felt hot anger about the fact that I have a bin that is labeled “Lord willing girl stuff” and the womb where I carried my daughter is empty. I’ve hidden away a hand knit dress that a co-worker gave me when I was in California. I have a headband with a ridiculously gigantic flower on it and a pink onesie with little daisies around the collar. It’s all packed away in the back of the closet, waiting and hoping for a baby.
It hit me this morning…what if all it does is sit there and wait? What if there isn’t another baby, what if that daughter never comes? What it?  And the gravity of the grief came crashing down. I sat on my floor and grieved my children, my empty arms and the unknown ahead.
I sat and felt sorry for myself. But as I wallowed I saw…
Around the corner peeked two little eyes. In came a sleepy eyed little one carrying his sippy cup. He curled up on my lap and patted my arm. He looked puzzled at the tears on my cheeks. I inhaled and snuggled the warmth of his little bed wrinkled cheek. I thanked God for the blessing of my children. All of them, the ones I get to hold and the ones I don’t. He reminded me, while I grieve I should rejoice. I should delight and I should trust.
I was caught off guard today, but the Lord did not let me fall.

Proverbs 3: 5-8

5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart

And do not lean on your own understanding.

6 In all your ways acknowledge Him,

And He will make your paths straight.

7 Do not be wise in your own eyes;

Fear the Lord and turn away from evil.

8 It will be healing to your body

And refreshment to your bones.

 

 

3 thoughts on “Off guard”

  1. I’m so sorry to hear this. You are strong and have the Lord by your side. You will get through this. I also have lost (and not) and I also am blessed with 3 children. God is good. All my prayers for you and your family.

  2. Erin,
    THe loss of a child is never easy. I Have lost a few as well. My mother has a handmade quilt and two crosses at her house one pink one blue, They have been there for years. I can’t bring myself to take them, or look at them because they cause me such sadness. I have no children of my own, and often I wonder if I ever will be able to. I know I could adopt, I just fear I will never know the joy of holding my very own child, but I also have hope this will happen for me. When I think back on the ones I lost it saddens me. All I can do in the mean time is better myself so if the day comes when I am blessed I will be able to give all the love and support imaginable =) You are such a strong, loving, caring and giving person. I am so lucky to have gotten to know a part of you. Thank you.

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