I had a break through moment this week while I was on my way to work. It was more of a “duh” moment, but I still call it a break through.
On my way to work each morning sometimes I’ll listen to a sermon on the radio or I’ll pray. On Tuesday morning…making it to work by 0700(!) I chose to pray. First let me say that getting to work at 7am is quite a feat for me…most of you know that I am not even close to being a morning person so I was a little grumpy. I prayed for my husband and children. I prayed for the students returning next week and my co-workers. I also prayed for my lousy attitude. I was grumpy and I was feeling sorry for myself. For some reason going back for faculty week this last week was harder than I anticipated. I was close to tears more than once and my emotions have been hovering just under the surface all week.
So as I turned onto Pueblo boulevard my prayers turned to myself and my attitude. I prayed for my heart and my mouth to have the right response to those around me. I prayed for the stamina to make it through another semester on overload and trying to “do it all”. I prayed for healing in my heart and in my body. I prayed for another baby. I (we) long to have more children, not to replace Knox but because we desire God’s blessing for our family. While I want more babies, I have been fearful about being pregnant again. I’ve been fearful that I wouldn’t be able to enjoy another pregnancy because I’d worry about it ending tragically. I have been afraid that I wouldn’t be able to “trust my body” to carry another healthy pregnancy, much less be able to birth another baby at home. There is a condition called Asherman’s syndrome that is something I have been particularly fearful of. It happens after a D&C (which I had to remove the placenta after Knox was born) and can affect the ability to get pregnant again in the future. I didn’t think I could trust pregnancy again. So I prayed.
As I turned into City Park I told God my fears exactly as I feel them . When I’ve prayed in the past, I’ve simply prayed “God please bless our family again, please let me heal and let me carry another baby in my womb”. But on this morning I laid it on the line (like He didn’t already know). But I told him my fears, specifically my fears and my issue with trusting my body and pregnancy. Somewhere around the Llamas, I said “God I’m afraid I won’t be able to trust my body again. And I’m afraid I won’t be able to trust pregnancy again” God said…get this…very clearly He said…”YOU DON’T HAVE TO TRUST THOSE THINGS.” And then He paused, as if for effect…and I slowly got it. DUH! (I think I actually said it out loud to be honest…and I probably hit the steering wheel at that). “It’s not my body or a pregnancy, or the idea of it, that I have to trust…IT’S GOD I have to trust.” I have to trust Him that He’s going to bless me as He sees fit and I have to trust that whatever happens, whether than includes me getting pregnant and having another baby or not, God is in control. I felt like such an idiot, call me a slow learner. God’s been telling me all along to “TRUST ME” when I’ve prayed about more children or about what *might* happen in the future.
As I thought about it and turned it over to God…as I began to really TRUST Him, the fear and anxiety started to lift. If bits of that fear would try to sneak in again, I would just say “I trust you.” and it goes away. I am so thankful for that. Trust isn’t something that comes easily to me, but over and over again God has proved that He is trustworthy. He loves me, He knows the longing of my heart, He sees the “big picture” and He is in charge. He is sovereign, He doesn’t have to tell me why Knox died or why I’ve gone through this, but I trust that He has a reason and that it will be used for His glory. I have to TRUST and be willing to be used (which means I have to listen too).
I am working on memorizing several verses about trust. I’m also thinking of taping them to my forehead on bad days. 🙂 TRUST ME.
Commit your way to the LORD, Trust also in Him, and He will do it.
When I am afraid, I will put my trust in You.
In God I have put my trust, I shall not be afraid. What can man do to me?
You who fear the LORD, trust in the LORD; He is their help and their shield.
Let me hear Your lovingkindness in the morning; For I trust in You; Teach me the way in which I should walk; For to You I lift up my soul.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding.
He who gives attention to the word will find good, And blessed is he who trusts in the LORD.
“Behold, God is my salvation, I will trust and not be afraid; For the LORD GOD is my strength and song, And He has become my salvation.”
“ Trust in the LORD forever, For in GOD the LORD, we have an everlasting Rock.
“ Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD And whose trust is the LORD.