Disappointed

I was so close to a dream this week I could taste it. I’m a dreamer by nature so it’s not hard for me to get caught up in the planning and visioning of what could be if only…
I’m usually pretty guarded though. I’ve learned that dreamers sometimes get disappointed (okay a lot of times). I’ve learned to temper my dreaming. Keep it far off in the distance and not let it run too wild.
But this one…this one was so close. I imagined what if, I imagined our family there…growing up…growing old. It took off before I could reign it in. And I let it. I let it carry me over the possibilities.
And I crashed today. Hard.
It’s been tough for me to not throw a temper tantrum, and honestly I have. I’ve been near in tears numerous times. I’ve struggled against spewing dreadful things at my family so instead I’ve been quiet and sullen. Short with my words for fear anger and disappointment would spill over or worse yet…I’d end up in a puddle if years like a two year old.
Sometimes dreams are fun, sometimes they happen, and sometimes they don’t happen. For me, today it’s a bitter pill to swallow. And I am disappointed.
 

Dream Big

Since we have no idea what we’re going to be doing or where we’re going to be going in the next few months, I dream a lot. It’s kind of fun to dream about what we’d like to be doing someday. I don’t know if it’s God’s will for us to do these things, but they’re things I think I’d really enjoy. Here’s my list…
* Live out in the sticks, off grid. I would love to live way out yonder, with solar energy, my own well and be as self sustaining as possible. The idea of ┬áraising our own food and living as independently as possible is exciting to me. I’m talking big garden, lots of animals, goats, chickens, a cow or two, possibly a pig, definitely dogs and cats running around outside. If I could justify a horse I would, but since we don’t milk them and eating them is a bit taboo, Kerry is going to be a tough sell on that one. I know it would be tough and a lot of work, but I think it would be rewarding. The fresh air would do everyone good. It would help us appreciate the effort it takes to grow food, appreciate hard work and the role that each family member plays in making the home work. I would, of course, need internet access a girl has to blog afterall.

* Live in an old farmhouse. I grew up in an older farm house and I thought it was great. I like the character of older homes. The craftsmanship in old farms is so incredible compared to the cookie cutter houses we see being built today. In order for it to really work though, Kerry says it would have to be energy efficient. I’m good with that as long as it still looks and feels like an old farmhouse.
* The boys say they’d like to live in the country. They want to have chickens and rabbits. We recently visited our farm supply store here in Pueblo and the boys saw the little bunnies and chickens for sale. They fell in love. I’m good with the chickens for sure, we go through 5 dozen eggs every 4 weeks or so. I’m not so sure about the rabbits. We have more than our share here and I have no desire to encourage them. It’s a must that they be allowed to shoot guns where ever we end up. They also want to be able to hunt and fish. Otto has been talking about when he’ll be old enough to have a .22 rifle. Ummm after you’ve taken hunter’s safety and even then…it might be a bit.

In a nutshell, we want to get to the simple life. We’re not overly involved in a lot of stuff, but we’re always busy. We feel like we’re constantly going and we would like to get away from that. I’m hoping that quitting my job will allow me to help slow the pace down here at home, regardless of where we end up. We long to be able to spend more time together as family, learning together, playing together and just being together.
Notice I didn’t say anything about a job other than working for our family. Partly because we don’t have a clue what we’ll end up doing. And truth be told, my full time “job” (as of two weeks from now) will be stay at home mom. I can’t wait. So yeah, if we’re going to be changing what we’re doing…we might as well change it big time, and besides it’s fun to dream. So dream big.