One year–not forgotten

I have written this post and re-written this post several times in my mind. Sometimes I find myself at a complete loss for words and sometimes I could write a book. I don’t want to forget…
A year ago today I had a baby, Knox Cornelius. I was 16 weeks pregnant when he was born and that day was one of the most difficult days of my life. And that single event seemed to have kick off one of the most trying years we as a family has ever experienced.
I will never forget what it was like to see the sonogram confirming our fear that he was gone. I can still vividly see what that screen looked like with an empty silent chest. It is all still very vivid and very real. There isn’t a day that has gone by that I haven’t thought of Knox, how that pregnancy ended and the fears that came along with losing a baby.
God used the experience of losing not one, but two, babies in the last year to teach me a lot…to grow and stretch me…something that is never easy or comfortable.
As I sit here writing this I am 23 weeks pregnant with my third baby in a year. I thought I would be writing this post with a new baby in my arms…she was due November 15 but that pregnancy ended as well in May, on his due date. The trauma of so much loss in a year has had a profound effect on me and how I’ve viewed and navigated this pregnancy. Kerry asked me the other night if I still thought about and feared losing this baby. Through tears and held back sobs I answered “Every day”.
Yet I know that God is in control, I know that He has a purpose for what ever the outcome will be and it is so hard not to be afraid. I trust that God will provide what I need every moment. God helped me navigate the anger (and I was angry!) and worry that followed in the days and weeks after Knox died. He continues to guide me through the anxiety that comes with being pregnant again after loss.
I have learned much in the year that has passed. I have made connections with people and have been able to offer support to people I wouldn’t have without Knox. We have been able to teach our sons the gift of life and how important babies are. We have had conversations we would have missed, they understand why we grieve our babies and that we anticipate seeing them again in Heaven. We were also reminded how deeply we were cared for and I learned to let others take care of me (something that was incredibly humbling and difficult to embrace).
Most of all though, I have learned to rely on God more fully. It has been reinforced that I am so not in control. My job isn’t to direct the events of my life, but to be obedient to what and where God has called me to be. He has used this time to strengthen my trust in Him and to remind me that comfort comes from Him…not doctors, hospitals, money or even health.
In losing Knox, God prepared me and built in me the faith that I would need to navigate the coming year… yet another loss that was to come in May, quitting my job to stay home, moving to a new community and the transition that comes with that and a new pregnancy (that seems to be going beautifully).
I do wonder what life would be like had he lived, I wonder what he will look like when we are reunited and I wonder what else I have to learn yet as part of losing a child (I am continually learning about this territory I find myself in). I wonder still, what the purpose has been…if it was just to grow me or if there is more. I can’t say that I’m “thankful” in the typical way, because I’m not thankful I lost a baby or that I had to learn the lessons I did…but I am thankful for what God has done in my life despite (and because of) the hurt.

2 thoughts on “One year–not forgotten”

  1. I know how you feel. I, too, have lost two babies; one at 11 weeks and one at 15 weeks. Both had apparently died quite early, as all that was left was a placenta, no baby to be seen. It makes it very hard during the next pregnancies, because you are constantly thinking about the baby and wondering, “Will this one make it?” It’s a time to learn more about faith! The first one we lost was between our fourth and fifth; then we had another between the fifth and sixth and have since had our seventh child (sixth boy). Until I can regularly feel movement, I have a hard time believing the baby is alive! (We don’t do scans.) God bless you, and give you peace.

  2. Isn’t it amazing how God can use even the worst of experiences to bring us closer to Him? I lost our baby in May at 14 weeks, so I can relate to you well. My “due date” was November 30th, just 3 days ago. We have four healthy children, and they still talk about the baby that God took home. I don’t have to understand it, because I know that God always does what is right, and everything He does is good. That’s such a comforting piece of knowledge! I hope that my attitude toward our loss can help lead others to Christ. That would be the greatest thing. For someone who generally asks “why does God let bad things happen to good people?” to see my acceptance of my loss, my faith in God’s benevolence, and to realize that there are no “good people”, but that God’s great mercy and grace allows so many good things to happen to all people, regardless of how undeserving we are. Just think– your loss might not be a lesson just for you, but for countless others whom you meet throughout the rest of your life, who may be profoundly affected by your testimony of faith!

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