15 weeks and flashbacks

I am 15 weeks today. Another milestone. Another week of giving my fears to God. And a week that brought the unexpected too.
I started having flashbacks this week of the days Knox and Lily were born. While the days they were born were horrible emotionally for me, their actual births weren’t really that bad. But this week I found myself not sleeping well because I would wake, dreaming that I was back in my hospital bed giving birth to Lily or Knox. I would wake up crying feeling that same deep sadness, that same desperation and emptiness. It would take me forever to go back to sleep and I laid there holding my now growing belly praying for this little one. Begging God to spare the life of this baby, asking Him to not make me go through this again.
But then it started happening when I was awake. Most of the time when I was alone but sometime while I was sitting at the table with my family. I would be right there. Back in bed. Reliving it all again.
I wondered often if I was going crazy. If these flashbacks meant something was wrong. Or if it was just me worrying because of where I am in my pregnancy. They have slowed down a bit now though,with lots of prayer and support from those around me. 
I was surprised. Caught off guard. I grieve the loss of my children but I thought I had made more peace with their births than this. Another facet to the grieving process I suppose.
The boys could hardly wait for today to come. They knew I was 15 weeks today and that meant that we could listen forbthe baby. (We only listen once a week).
I debated internally about listening with all of them. What would happen if we didn’t hear it? How would they take it?  How would I? But I didn’t want them to know my worry.  I wanted them to know my hope. My trust in our God. So we listened together as a family.
And praise the Lord we heard the heartbeat again today. We are thankful. And hopeful that once again God will see fit to grant us another week of healthy pregnancy and healthy baby. We pray daily, for this little one.
It is still a moment by moment struggle against fear and doubt. I am thankful for the support of my husband and my boys. I am thankful for prayers from friends and those following our  journey. I am thankful for the blessing of a new life and the ability to carry this baby for another day.

3 thoughts on “15 weeks and flashbacks”

  1. Constant flashbacks leaving you unable to function normally? Sounds like PTSD. Basically, the memories are triggering your stress/adrenal response.
    It took some serious therapy to get rid of mine–EMDR is a tried-and-true drug-free way to address this. Not sure if there’s anyone who does this in the Middle-of-Nowhere, Kansas, though.

  2. Dear Erin: Grief is never the way people expect it to be. For awhile now I have been as grief stricken over losing Mel as I was at this time last year, and I can’t believe I’m back in that place again. I had always heard that there were like seven steps in grieving, but no one had ever told me that you through these processes over and over again, and that you could feel as bad as you did when you were in “the moment” the first or second time. I still have to take one day at a time and sometimes even one moment at a time, to get me through one more day of sometimes exquisitely painful memories and feelings of loss of the life I will never get back. I think it’s only normal that you are “reliving” Lily and Knox’s lives at this time, given your current pregnancy, but I also think that you will find times when for no reason you are reliving your time with them. I pray every day for your little one and for the ones already here, and for you and Kerry.

  3. Erin,
    I happened upon your blog from Picket Fence…I am praying for you today. The Lord surprised us with spontaneous triplets last fall and I remember the intense fear that worked its way into my heart on a regular basis. It was hard taking my thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ. And while I have not experienced the overwhelming pain of losing children, I will be praying that the Lord keeps this baby safe and protected in your womb until your due date. You have a beautiful family!
    God bless!
    Jennifer

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