1%

Our baby has a 1% chance of survival in utero. If she makes it to birth, her prognosis is actually fairly decent with good medical care (for things like hypertension, hormone replacement and osteoporosis as she gets older).
It’s amazing how much that 1% means, and how much it changes perspective.
When I had a home birth after 3 c-sections almost 2 years ago, there was just under a 1% chance that my uterus would rupture. I was comfortable with those odds. I didn’t think the 1% would apply to me, we were in the 99%.
When we elected to have the CVS test last week, there was just under a 1% chance that the procedure would cause the baby to die. We were okay with those odds, especially after we saw the position of the placenta and the baby. We were in the 99%.
We got the phone call yesterday that our baby has Turner syndrome. She is missing all or part of a sex chromosome. We were told 99% of babies with Turner syndrome die before they reach term, most of them die by 26 weeks gestation. We are praying for the 1%.
I am a bit fearful though. What if I prepare for the 99% and she is in the 1%, what if I spend my whole pregnancy expecting her to die and she doesn’t? Will I still bond with her? On the other hand…what if I prepare for the 1% and she is the 99%? I’m not sure I can handle that sinking feeling emotionally and that shock that would come. The thing is, we don’t know.
It’s all about perspective isn’t it…that 1%? The 1% is easy to push aside when we’re hoping for the 99%, but for us…I am begging, clinging and praying for the 1%.

For those who have been asking you can specifically pray for the following:

Pray for a live term birth for our baby (we want to be the 1%).
Pray for a healthy heart for our baby.
Pray for peace for me as I am struggling right now to make sense of this all.
Pray for wisdom for our doctors.

Psalm 31:22-24

22 As for me, I said in my alarm,

“I am cut off from before Your eyes”;

Nevertheless You heard the voice of my supplications

When I cried to You.

23 O love the Lord, all you His godly ones!

The Lord preserves the faithful

And fully recompenses the proud doer.

24 Be strong and let your heart take courage,

All you who hope in the Lord.

 

4 thoughts on “1%”

  1. Erin: You are already bonding with your little girl. She is literally surrounded in utero by all the love you, Kerry and the boys have about a new baby sister. Right now she is feeling only the perfect kind of love given freely by God because she is perfectly created in His image and for His glory. Right now this very minute she is growing still and has not known any heartache. She just knows love with every breath, word whispered, words prayed, feeling your hands on your tummy. 1% is everything when that is what you have. We can read and research all we want to when a doctor gives us a diagnosis, but God is still working on this beautiful Creation of His, an extension of the love of you and Kerry and the love you have for your boys.
    Even though, when Mel was sent home with hospice I knew what the doctors’ prognosis was, but I refused to let anyone even speak those words in our home while Mel was alive. I knew that until Mel took his last breath God still had a chance to heal him. Then I had to start to accept that Mel received God’s ultimate healing. I still don’t understand, I still don’t like, there are some days I still feel like I am dying without Mel here with me, I cannot look into the future beyond a week or so because then I get scared because I remember all over again Mel will not be with me on that journey.
    The hardest thing, I believe, as Christians that we have to do is know that God knows all the hurt, anger and betrayal that we feel when we receive news that changes our entire lives in just an instant. It doesn’t mean that we don’t trust God, it doesn’t mean we don’t love God; it just means that we are the human beings He created with the emotions that He gives us.
    In my mind’s eye, as I have been praying since yesterday and most of the night (I am still an insomniac) I see a beautiful blonde haired, blued eyed baby girl in your arms that you are just delighting in. This can and will happen for you. You will love her, and she will know that you do.

    1. My first prayer when I woke up today was that God would give me wisdom and words to say to comfort Erin and Kerry, to be used by Him to heal or soothe their hurting hearts. As I read what you wrote, I praise Him that he used you, Patti to do this. Thank-you for your words of encouragement and compassion.

  2. What beautiful words in Patti’s reply to this post! GOD’s way is always perfect, even if it is not OUR way! Praying for HIS way to be in the 1% for your little girl!!

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