While the title of this post sounds loaded with fun…it’s not…well…it’s just loaded I guess. It’s about surrender. Whoa! Come back! I lost you there for a second didn’t I? Surrender is a tough thing. For me at least.
I’ve been reading Absolute Surrender by Andrew Murray lately. First let me tell you that it’s one of those books that I have to read each sentence twice to make sure I understood what I read. And second I should probably confess that I’m only in the second chapter, but it has me doing some serious thinking. I was so blessed this weekend to have some time for a mini retreat. I told Kerry that I felt like God wanted me to get alone with him, and well…that’s tough to do with 4 little boys. (The post about mommies getting up early for “alone time with God” comes later). So he kept an eye on the kiddos while I went for a cup of coffee and took my Bible and journal to a little coffee shop that was almost deserted. Yes!
I’ve had a lot on my mind lately. While we’re not in a place where I can be home full time yet, I find myself balancing work and life at home. It’s something I know lots of moms struggle with. Some by choice and some by necessity. We are continually praying that God will make a way for me to stay home full time soon. It’s where my heart is. Which brings me back to surrender. I’m going to be totally transparent here…I struggle to fully embrace what God has called me to be as a wife and mother. I want to, but my human-ness pulls me in another direction.
First of all…I like praise. I like to be told job well done, I like to feel useful and know that people rely on me to get the job done. I like to feel invaluable. I like to blame it on the fact that I’m a first born and I got praised for just about everything I did when I was a kid…but in reality it’s my sinful nature. Ouch. When I go back and read that last paragraph it sure sounds self serving doesn’t it? Well guess what? It is. Now don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing with being told you’ve done a good job or wanting to do a good job. But when that praise becomes your motivation for doing something…you’ve got a problem. (I should say I’ve got a problem).
As I sat there sipping my coffee and thinking about my need for praise it hit me…I can’t rely on me, I can’t worship myself or expect others to. Call me a slow learner. I will fail to live up to mine (and other’s) expectations every single time. If I judge myself by human standards when will I be good enough, smart enough or giving enough? The world doesn’t value me like God does. In fact, they’ll keep taking what I can give without regard to me as a person. But how do I let that go? Wanna hear something really convicting? Galations 1:10…10For am I now seeking the favor of men, or of God? Or am I striving to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a bond-servant of Christ.
Serve God not man (and not myself). My actions, thoughts, and words should point to God and not to me. Embrace what God has called me to be as a wife and mother. So I’ve begun studying just what that is. What I’m to do scripturally. I’ve heard it all before, but have never really taken the time to study it for myself.
I plan to share my thoughts here and with you in the hopes that we can be on this journey together and that I can learn from you and you from me…both of us learning from God. I will be brutally honest and transparent (something else I struggle with) so be gentle. 🙂